Sending Angry Emails Just Makes You Angrier 161
An anonymous reader writes: Sending a blistering email can be cathartic. People consistently report feeling better after venting, and doing so over email is no exception. But researchers find those who vent their anger tend to only become angrier and more aggressive, and doing so in an impersonal way like email only makes it worse. "E-venting is particularly risky, experts say. We think it's private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we're in our pajamas. We have our phones with us all the time so we often e-vent before we've had a chance to calm down. A rant put out via the Internet is a click away from being shared." Combine this with how we typically sound angrier in print, and can't see feedback from our targets, it can lead to more volatile situations than we intended.
HOW DARE YOU! (Score:5, Funny)
sincerely
Dude~
You, sir.... (Score:1)
...shall be receiving a MOST strongly worded response shortly.
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Its the angry responses I get that make me angry. Some people just dont know when to shut up and be abused.
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Indeed. The whole thrust of this story is that you shouldn't tit-for-tat. Fuck that. Online anger is a good thing. I think the researchers are humorless fucks who can't take a joke, and are way too thin-skinned. Oh noes, words on the internet hurt me!
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I have a suggestion. You should send them an email and tell them what you really think.
Re:HOW DARE YOU! (Score:5, Insightful)
I find writing angry emails to be cathartic.
Sending them, and then getting responses back that escalate the situation, is not.
E-Vent (Score:5, Interesting)
An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Interesting)
This has legitimately worked for me on several occasions.
Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Insightful)
An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
After sending some Career-Limiting-Emails in my time, I have had to learn this trick, too. It really does help. And help you to keep your job!
Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Interesting)
An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
Yup. This is a good strategy.
One minor point, REMOVE the email addresses from the "to" and "Cc" lines and then save it as a draft. That prevents accidental sending later (even months later.)
Most of the time, it's hard to get email messages right in tone, meaning and intent without a rant in it. Likewise, don't be stupid, that stuff hangs around forever and will be used against you more effectively than the rant could ever be...
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I have forgotten that before. It makes for an awkward (and job changing) conversation.
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One minor point, REMOVE the email addresses from the "to" and "Cc" lines and then save it as a draft. That prevents accidental sending later (even months later.)
Yes -- this is essential. Or send it to yourself.
Most of the time, it's hard to get email messages right in tone, meaning and intent without a rant in it. Likewise, don't be stupid, that stuff hangs around forever and will be used against you more effectively than the rant could ever be...
I'd go so far as to say that rants in e-mail are NEVER very effective. Well, that's true at least for rants actually directed at the recipient. It may be at least therapeutic sometimes to rant to a 3rd party (though that is also often not a good idea in a professional context, lest your rant ever get back to the person you're ranting about).
Anyhow, there's just no good reason to rant AT someone over e-mail. E-mail is impersonal and too prone to misinter
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An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
I've actually done that a number of times with posts here on slashdot. I've had, like almost anyone else, extremely rude or ignorant (IMO) responses before, and my first impulse is to write a long post detailing exactly why they're wrong (i.e. "Someone is WRONG on the internet!") or some snarky response. After writing all that out, I then belatedly realize that the best way to deal with a troll or idiot (again, IMO) is to ignore them, and I end up closing the browser without posting.
If I do respond, I oft
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I have sent off an irate email that resulted in my being told my company would, "Never work for the State of Washington again!" I replied saying that I agreed entirely. As far as I know, they still have not ever consulted in Washington since - in any city nor for the State nor any facility situated in Washington. I sold and retired. I think my angry email was justified.
Many times, however, I will have a rant typed out here (or at other sites) and will meander off or stop and think about it and never send it
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Ayup. I'll occasionally pen angry e-mails or e-mails that take on a frustrated tone, only to scrap them and try again. There have been times it's taken three, four, even five iterations before I get something I'm content to send, but I've never once regretted it afterwards, so it's always been worth the delay.
At least for me, it's not so much about venting or having cathartic experience, so much as it is just a matter of analyzing and working through the source of the aggravation. The act of putting it into
Introspection is an art, it takes practice. (Score:2)
The trick is to manage your anger long enough to realise you are ranting, to do that you need to deliberately switch your brain from rant mode to introspection mode. Suggestions such as posting a dra
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An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis
Problem is that catharsis is a literary and theater concept -- not one rooted in science or human psychology.
Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Funny)
Every time I send an angry email to myself, I get pissed off.
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At lunch, a man complains to his co-workers that all he ever gets in his lunch box are PB&J sandwiches. They say: "Why don't you get your wife to make you a ham sandwich?". He replies: "No, I couldn't do that. I pack my lunch myself".
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An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis
Problem is that catharsis is a literary and theater concept -- not one rooted in science or human psychology.
I wish I had mod-points. What most of the slashdotter's are missing is that writing the email is just another form of ruminating. Even if you don't send it, all you've done is spend more time being angry and possibly engaging in a bunch of confirmation bias fueled "research" to justify your position. After reinforcing your beliefs you're just more primed to get triggered again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The whole "emotion as pressure to be released" belief is complete bunk [youarenotsosmart.com]
.
Re:E-Vent (Score:5, Insightful)
An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
I don't believe that kind of catharsis actually exists. People conflate the relief from the momentary impulse to do something with relief from the underlying anger. They're not the same thing. I think writing the angry email reviewing all the reasons the other guy is a contemptible, bad person is actually practicing being angry at him. And anything you practice comes more and more naturally with time.
Let's say someone cuts you off while you're driving, and lets say you start venting at the other driver -- maybe you chase him for a bit, yelling at him. Does that, in your experience, actually make you calmer and more rational toward the other driver? *I* think you're actually prolonging the fear and anger of a momentary encounter that would be best put behind you. It also reinforces the underlying irrational assumptions that turn ordinarily rational people into aggressive, reactive drivers. What you *should* do when you get cut off is immediately remind yourself that everybody, even good, considerate drivers, have bad days. All it takes is a single instant where your attention lapses -- and that happens to everyone occasionally, even you. And even if the other guy's a bad driver, by the time you realized what happened the encounter was already over. Chances are you'll never encounter that guy again.
In other words deal with the fallacious belief that very momentary negative interaction calls for immediate and aggressive response. Then you can make a rational decision about what the optimal response would be. You can't reason with an angry person, and when that angry person is you you can't reason, period.
So I'd change the old trick to this: write a conciliatory email and then sleep on it before sending the real one. The reason for not sending the conciliatory email right away is that you don't want to do anything irreversible under the influence of strong emotion. Once you've dealt with the anger you can do a better job of being reasonably assertive; you don't have to let people walk all over you buy you do need some perspective when pushing back.
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No mod points, just want to call this interesting.
Some of the best people I know (best, as in "least stressed out" and "happy most of the time") are the ones who I describe not so much as "don't give a fuck", but more likely "wouldn't know what to do with it if they had a fuck to give".
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"Just Makes You" (Score:1)
Bad grammar MAKES ME ANGRY!
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Sorry to reply to my own post, but I wrote it before the article header was corrected. For the record, the article's original title was "Sending Angry Emails Just Make You Angrier".
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Same as off line (Score:2)
Venting of - ANY kind - tends to reinforce the issue, not make you feel less angry.
Some people even now state that bottling them up is better. But most state that discussing the issue calmly, preferably with someone whose job it is to keep you calm, works best.
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Politely remove his teeth with an elbow strike?
Re:Same as off line (Score:4, Funny)
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I would argue that rage-energy is no more useful than venting.
I don't know, it works for me lol. I try to calm down before actually doing anything, though.
Re:Same as off line (Score:4, Funny)
Punching pillows doesn't work because pillows feel no pain. The psychological satisfaction from violent expressions of anger stems primarily from the fact that you are inflicting suffering upon the object of your anger.
That's why the best anger-management strategy involves careful planning, a good mask, rubber gloves, and a solid alibi.
Re:Same as off line (Score:4, Funny)
Some people even now state that bottling them up is better.
Sounds like one of my favorite Marge Simpson quotes, from the Episode "Moaning Lisa":
"It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow."
Write it out (Score:2)
never send it. if it makes you feel better, start it in email, but don't put a subject or even an address in any of the fields. write it out, save it in drafts and wait 24-48 hours, re-read it. don't send it. but to be safe, use your favorite text editor instead of an accidental email going out
don't use facebook/twitter or anything else were posting is literally a click away.
Some people don't know when to give up... (Score:2)
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Personally, I would be happy to know that certain former housemates of mine were still so pissed off that they were still writing me angry emails. I would skim them and ignore them and laugh that those fuckers are still suffering, because for the bullshit they inflicted on me for all those years, they'd fucking deserve it.
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Play Frozen's Let It Go song for h(im/er). :P
One of the oldest rules of email... (Score:1)
Flame in haste, repent at leisure.
Anger is for cows. (Score:3, Funny)
You are all angry cows. Angry cows say moo-grr. MOOOOO-GRRRR! MOOOOOO-GRRRRR! Moo-grr angry cows MOOO-GRRR. Moo-grrr say the angry cows. YOU ANGRY COWS!!
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That sounds like a lot of bull...
Abraham Lincoln (Score:5, Informative)
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Lincoln was also known for saying "I don't like that man, I must get to know him better."
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Lincoln was also known for saying, "I'm Abraham Lincoln! The stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun!"
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Lincoln used to write harsh letters to people who deserved it-- like his sluggish generals-- then place them in his desk for a day before sending them. He almost never sent them.
He probably should have to a few of them. The union's generalship was extremely bad at the start of the war. You think General Tso is chicken? General McClellan is chickener, might even be chickenest. He got the battle plans of the traitors mistakenly left behind in a camp site for the battle of Antietam. Still managed to rack up one of the highest casuality rates in the entire war.
Hooker and others were extremely bad. He was scrapping the bottom of the barrel when he picked Grant.
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Hooker and others were extremely bad. He was scrapping the bottom of the barrel when he picked Grant.
Not really the bottom of the barrel, just from a secondary front where he had been racking up success after success, invading Tennessee, isolating Texas, controlling the Mississippi, and pushing the enemy lines back.
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FWIW, my wife is descended from "Lighthorse" Harry Lee through Robert E. Lee's younger brother.
Grant was quite possibly the best general in the Civil War. He won a daring and very important victory at Vicksburg, then executed a strategy of holding the main Confederate forces with Meade and the Army of the Potomac while Sherman tore the guts out of the Confederacy. (Grant never commanded the Army of the Potomac, but he was Meade's superior and traveled with him.)
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According to this website:
http://www.geni.com/blog/look-whos-related-george-washington-and-all-the-presidents-325451.html [geni.com]
if you're related to any of the people who have been elected President, then you're somehow related to the rest of them. Note the word elected, as the only President that has not somehow been linked to George Washington is Gerald Ford.
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I have a third-hand report, with no reason to think the person who passed it on to me was lying, that W was intelligent and articulate and a good conversationalist on the golf course.
You've now got a fourth-hand report of this.
But verbal abuse works on the phone (Score:2)
I think this is a wider issue than just email (Score:2)
We all know angry people, and I don't think many of us intentionally want to be that way. It takes some discipline to change and is an ongoing effort.
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While true I believe it is true in the short term ignoring it does not make the issue go away. If it is recurring issue then it is much better the long run to express your feelings, and sometimes that feeling is anger.
Of course there are limits, you need to find a middle ground (don't go beating anyone up). Letting people walk all over you does lead to a happy life either.
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If your favorite sports team, political regime, tribal affiliation or operating system is badmouthed I think the most healthy response is to simply ignore
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It should be an individual choice. Lots of times it's fun and therapeutic for me to come up with creative insults. I'm laughing after I post it, not angry. I can see how some PC researcher who doesn't know me might think I'm getting angrier and angrier though. But that just says more about them than about me.
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If you are honking your horn or waving a finger then no, you will not get much in the way of results. I do beg to differ about the firearm. If you are waving about a firearm in public (or in private, in some situations) then you may very well get meaningful results. They may not be the results you were hoping for but they will be results. They may even be resolutions. There are not so very many places left that you can wildly wave around a firearm and expect people to just ignore your behavior. We can discu
There is one advantage to this... (Score:2)
You are not within arms reach when the person receiving your angry assault is reacting to what you wrote, so you are unlikely to be physically assaulted...
On the other hand, you won't be there to see them react to all those stinging statements you made, nor can you stick out your tongue and go "Nana Nanna Na a" when you see their brow wrinkled in anger...
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That reminds me of the adage... Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that? Well, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
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I like that one... Thanks..
To Paraphrase Orwell (Score:1)
The object of love is love. The object of hate is hate. The object of anger is anger.
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More importantly: the object should agree with the subject.
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Subjects should not necessarily agree with objects. This country was founded by subjects who did not agree.
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The object of trolling with an angry post is to provoke an inappropriate response. The object of posting angrily on the internet is, most often, humor.
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The results were really bad. I came to the sad conclusion that there are quite a few people with not much self-respect, who just look for any excuse to blow everything out of proportion and evade all responsibility for their actions (e.g., "why are you screaming to me?", "because you screamed to me before", "I don't care! You cannot scream to me!").
I agree with your general sentiment, though I think the problem may not always be "people with not much self-respect." I think it's really hard to calibrate tone in an impersonal medium like e-mail. You may think you're discussing something in a calm, logical way -- but to the other person whom you're criticizing, all they see is a point-by-point attack on their work. All it takes is a couple little places where the meaning could be misconstrued, and suddenly they can become very defensive.
In these cas
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Yes, but ultimately that's their problem. Unless they are your boss, of course, in which case it's your problem AND the companies problem.
Whilst it's true that writing an email and then trashing it, or waiting a day
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When everybody is yelling then nobody is listening. I refuse to even attempt to communicate with someone who is being loud unless they are being loud so that they can be heard above the din of the music or reasonable. Sadly, that took me a long time to learn.
On the other hand, when I do get angry (and I do) then it gets blown off pretty quickly. If it does not then I do not get loud. I get quiet. My voice lowers, is quieter, and is metered. I.. do... not... want... to... have... to... say... this... a... se
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No... (Score:2)
The issue was that his angry rant against his boss was seen by his boss. The "error" is in venting in places where you'll get in trouble for it.
And this notion that venting makes you angrier? What? All evidence points to the contrary.
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There is no anger. He's calling me angry as an insult. He's an AC troll. He's clearly been e-stalking me on the site and likes to make little snipe comments at me in most threads.
To be angry, I'd have to be afraid. You don't get anger without the fright/flight response getting triggered and flipping to fight.
Anger is an institutional emotion used to transition the defensive posture of fear into an aggressive offensive posture in anger. Anger is generally a response to an attack or damage or a threat.
If you'
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Commenting on your delusion to someone else I respect... which is not you... is not a sign of anger, little one.
Your attempt to claim it is especially in that context where it is especially absurd merely underscores my point about your actual motivations.
I pegged you perfectly from the start. You're entirely transparent to me. I've dealt with enough trolls to know you better than you know yourself.
https://youtu.be/z2mXrndt1ZI?t... [youtu.be]
You are pathetic. ;)
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So, you're falling back on the old Troll response that ANYONE that responds to your stupid ass must be angry?
Dumb dumb dumb.
As to 3 am... I don't keep a regular schedule... and if I'm up eating cherrios and shit talking on the internet... why does that confer anger?
You don't really know what anger is in the first place. Given that you don't understand what a thing is you can't say that I am or am not it.
It would be like saying something is an apple when you don't know what an apple is... its sort of fundame
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So, you're falling back on the old Troll response that ANYONE that responds to your stupid ass must be angry?
So what you are telling us is that you are not really angry. It's just that all your posts look exactly like what an angry person writes?
I mean seriously Karmashock, I've read your posts for a while now, and I'm serious when I say that you come across as a person who just might go postal some day.
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Not really, it just means I don't keep 9-5 hours. And you over estimate how much time I spend on this.
What I do generally is read all your comments, respond to them... generally takes about 10 minutes to respond to about 10 comments unless I go into detail with something. Then I check for new articles and make comments on those if I want to... but I can't just press submit when they're through. I have to wait. So while doing other things i check back and press 'send'... I do that at work a lot. On a break I
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I think we may have a cultural issue then. In my culture people call other people dog shit without needing to be angry or out of control.
You might be presuming your cultural norms and projecting them on me. I suppose you might be thinking that I am restrained by cultural taboos that require me to be polite to people. And if I am impolite it means that I am so emotionally out of control that I can't control myself.
What you do not understand is that I am not trying to control myself. I call people shitheads w
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I know they think citing anger is an insult because they cite it in a derogatory context.
It would be how you'd know the difference between someone saying someone is short is an insult versus saying someone is short simply as an observation.
As to fallacies, outright false. By the context, the assertion where there is no hostility to even misrepresent, and the constant repetition by critical elements we can see it is not meant merely as an observation but is intended as a negative quality they are assigning t
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You are clouding the issue now.
I am schooled in rhetoric... these stalling tactics designed to reach a stalemate are of no interest.
You can either address my argument or I will be able to claim your concession on each evaded point by default.
I anticipate your will not change your tactics and will attempt to defend the evasion. If you do this... I'll simply stop talking to you in this thread accepting your concession by default.
You will argue against this... but so too does a stuck pig struggle. You will res
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I don't see the reply as being immature.
Again, you're projecting your culture on me. You think I am breaking one of YOUR cultural taboos by swearing. And in your mind the only way I could be doing that is if I were so emotionally distressed that I can't control myself.
What I just told you is that I'm not trying to control myself. There's no need for an emotion to break through a taboo... I don't believe in the taboo in the first place and especially not in the context of an internet forum.
If I see a fucktar
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No... I don't see what swearing has to do with emotions. As I made clear, you're projecting your cultural taboos into situations they don't have to exist in.
Are you saying that anyone that calls another person a "cocktoddler" is inherently angry? That's obviously fallacious.
As to your belief that I am irrational because I am responding to a troll that has no intellectual integrity... which really all you admitted in the above post... you're presuming to know my motives. You don't know my motives and thus ca
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Login to your real account instead of your sockpuppet AC nonsense and I'll extend the benefit of the doubt again. Its still checkmate in 3 moves but I'm prepared to go through the exercise if you respond under your real account.
If for whatever reason you don't do that... then I have no incentive to pretend this isn't over. Your argument rests on the notion that when I call someone a moron, I must be angry.
The position is idiotic and anyone that isn't an idiot knows its indefensible. I don't think you're tha
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AC trolls and sockpuppets are the issue. If it is clear you're neither then I'll engage. You're upset because I don't talk to anymore about anything but your lack of logging on or your trolling or your sockpuppeting.
Tough. You e-stalk me from thread to thread begging me to talk to you about something. I've made it clear, I'm done with you. You can either log in or eat every last dick on earth.
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No, that was a minor point in a larger argument. You're attempting to cloud and gaslight me. This only works if my personal memory is poor. It is good enough to remember what we were talking about initially.
You kept saying "U MAD BRO"?... and I responded to you with cold logic.
Trolls don't know how to deal with that. They can't deal with people that have stronger intellects than emotions. Your behavior works on children and the immature. Not on people that are mentally adult.
You lost every point. All of the
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The lie you're referring to is responding to your troll comments. I've explained that.
As to submission to emotions that is merely your admission to being a troll. You're basically just saying "U MAD BRO" over and over again. The simple fact that you do that is an admission of trolling.
As to the rest... You've been excluded from any serious discussion I've had on this forum for ages now. So... its mission accomplished from my perspective. All you do is whine and pathetically attempt to insert yourself into s
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hey bingo, I'll admit that I responded to a sockpuppet troll AC if you'll admit that you are a sockpuppet troll AC.
And you admit that my change in policy has shut you out of serious discussions with me since I implemented it.
Do that and I'll admit to going back on what I said I would do.
As to carrying on with any serious discussion... you are conflating answering you at all with anything with actually engaging with you in a substantive way.
If you don't log in... the instant I detect YOU. And there are not d
No surpise if you have read Bushman et al (Score:2)
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I wonder if "hitting your pillow" is a euphemism. It sounds like something you'd look up on Urban Dictionary.
"So Bob from Accounting's boss walked in on him in the men's room, and he was, you know, hitting the pillow.
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It's funny how many articles come up that say most research is flawed and unrepeatable, and slashdotters jump all over themselves agreeing; but when a research study supports your personal biased opinion, you're the first to cite it as the ultimate proof that you are right!
Recovery (Score:4, Interesting)
Recovering angry e-mailer here. I used to do this all the time, particularly when I got upset at a loved one. It's easier for me to organize and lay out my thoughts coherently in writing than verbally. Unfortunately, I've often done more damage than good by hitting send, but I have a patient and loving GF who has, over time, convinced me NOT to hit Send, and just read them to her in person. That's given me the instant feedback they talk about in the article, and I can tell when I've gone too far, or when something I've said has been misinterpreted. And of course, I can omit things that I would never say to her face, because I recognize that they're just person attacks that are hurtful and harmful.
I hate admitting when I'm wrong, but I forwarded this article to her so she could feel vindicated by science. She deserves it.
Anyway, enough sincerity.. how 'bout them local sports teams?
What about posting on Slashdot? (Score:2)
I guess the article is wrong. I feel better already.
Wait, what? (Score:2)
We think it's private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we're in our pajamas.
Huh? I zoned out for a moment there. What's this story about?!
Count to a thousand first (Score:2)
Outlook can be set to delay [office.com] outgoing emails.
The sent message sits in the Outbox until the configured delay elapses, after which Outlook automatically sends it. I've found it handy for recalling a sent email and reviewing it, making minor edits, or moving it back into Drafts and reworking it before resending it out.
That is what the research says ... (Score:2)
... it is definitely not what our culture says though. So let's ignore it.
Anger is like steam, and must be "vented". You can see how well that has worked; how calm and peaceful we've become since the 60s when we discovered the steam like properties of anger.
OBEY! (Score:2)
OBEY!
Practicing anger (Score:3)
Newton Hightower's book Anger Busters contains a great overview of anger management techniques that work and anger management techniques that don't work. Venting doesn't work. It just reinforces the neural pathways that are involved in anger. Sure you feel great, but it makes it harder to avoid the angry outburst next time, when you might really need to. Meanwhile, if you had prevented yourself from expressing anger, you could have instead been training your brain to devote its efforts to problem solving, instead.
I did a lot of anger management work a few years ago and as a result I discovered solutions to lots of my problems. As a result I'm much much happier with every aspect of my life, because I've been able to actually fix the problems that were frustrating me.
Slashdot (Score:2)
I don't send a lot of angry emails but I'm pretty sure that angry Slashdot comments do the same thing.
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Careful now, you're creating a "volatile situation"! Oh won't somebody please think of the children?!?!??
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It's like how Trump calls himself a "whiner" and is proud of it. Fuck your PC crap you asshole righty.
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I've just done the same on a lot of comments in this story, and I feel awesome! I'm laughing.