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Sending Angry Emails Just Makes You Angrier 161

An anonymous reader writes: Sending a blistering email can be cathartic. People consistently report feeling better after venting, and doing so over email is no exception. But researchers find those who vent their anger tend to only become angrier and more aggressive, and doing so in an impersonal way like email only makes it worse. "E-venting is particularly risky, experts say. We think it's private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we're in our pajamas. We have our phones with us all the time so we often e-vent before we've had a chance to calm down. A rant put out via the Internet is a click away from being shared." Combine this with how we typically sound angrier in print, and can't see feedback from our targets, it can lead to more volatile situations than we intended.
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Sending Angry Emails Just Makes You Angrier

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  • by ganjadude ( 952775 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:00PM (#50296105) Homepage
    try and tell ME that Ill be more angry after writing angry emails. I oughta come over there right now and show you how angry I can get

    sincerely

    Dude~
  • E-Vent (Score:5, Interesting)

    by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:05PM (#50296151)

    An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).

    • Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Interesting)

      by Wain13001 ( 1119071 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:08PM (#50296175)

      This has legitimately worked for me on several occasions.

    • Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Insightful)

      by macs4all ( 973270 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:22PM (#50296287)

      An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).

      After sending some Career-Limiting-Emails in my time, I have had to learn this trick, too. It really does help. And help you to keep your job!

    • Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Interesting)

      by jafiwam ( 310805 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:24PM (#50296305) Homepage Journal

      An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).

      Yup. This is a good strategy.

      One minor point, REMOVE the email addresses from the "to" and "Cc" lines and then save it as a draft. That prevents accidental sending later (even months later.)

      Most of the time, it's hard to get email messages right in tone, meaning and intent without a rant in it. Likewise, don't be stupid, that stuff hangs around forever and will be used against you more effectively than the rant could ever be...

      • I have forgotten that before. It makes for an awkward (and job changing) conversation.

      • One minor point, REMOVE the email addresses from the "to" and "Cc" lines and then save it as a draft. That prevents accidental sending later (even months later.)

        Yes -- this is essential. Or send it to yourself.

        Most of the time, it's hard to get email messages right in tone, meaning and intent without a rant in it. Likewise, don't be stupid, that stuff hangs around forever and will be used against you more effectively than the rant could ever be...

        I'd go so far as to say that rants in e-mail are NEVER very effective. Well, that's true at least for rants actually directed at the recipient. It may be at least therapeutic sometimes to rant to a 3rd party (though that is also often not a good idea in a professional context, lest your rant ever get back to the person you're ranting about).

        Anyhow, there's just no good reason to rant AT someone over e-mail. E-mail is impersonal and too prone to misinter

    • An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).

      I've actually done that a number of times with posts here on slashdot. I've had, like almost anyone else, extremely rude or ignorant (IMO) responses before, and my first impulse is to write a long post detailing exactly why they're wrong (i.e. "Someone is WRONG on the internet!") or some snarky response. After writing all that out, I then belatedly realize that the best way to deal with a troll or idiot (again, IMO) is to ignore them, and I end up closing the browser without posting.

      If I do respond, I oft

      • by KGIII ( 973947 )

        I have sent off an irate email that resulted in my being told my company would, "Never work for the State of Washington again!" I replied saying that I agreed entirely. As far as I know, they still have not ever consulted in Washington since - in any city nor for the State nor any facility situated in Washington. I sold and retired. I think my angry email was justified.

        Many times, however, I will have a rant typed out here (or at other sites) and will meander off or stop and think about it and never send it

    • Ayup. I'll occasionally pen angry e-mails or e-mails that take on a frustrated tone, only to scrap them and try again. There have been times it's taken three, four, even five iterations before I get something I'm content to send, but I've never once regretted it afterwards, so it's always been worth the delay.

      At least for me, it's not so much about venting or having cathartic experience, so much as it is just a matter of analyzing and working through the source of the aggravation. The act of putting it into

      • I tend to do the same thing when distressed, I spend hours crafting a rant and then throw it away, it's always about personal relationships, I don't do personal rants at work and never have, I don't socialise much with workmates outside the office, and I'm very careful to attack their ideas, not their person.

        The trick is to manage your anger long enough to realise you are ranting, to do that you need to deliberately switch your brain from rant mode to introspection mode. Suggestions such as posting a dra
    • by ljw1004 ( 764174 )

      An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis

      Problem is that catharsis is a literary and theater concept -- not one rooted in science or human psychology.

      • Re:E-Vent (Score:4, Funny)

        by The Real Dr John ( 716876 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @05:43PM (#50297003) Homepage

        Every time I send an angry email to myself, I get pissed off.

        • At lunch, a man complains to his co-workers that all he ever gets in his lunch box are PB&J sandwiches. They say: "Why don't you get your wife to make you a ham sandwich?". He replies: "No, I couldn't do that. I pack my lunch myself".

      • by bledri ( 1283728 )

        An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis

        Problem is that catharsis is a literary and theater concept -- not one rooted in science or human psychology.

        I wish I had mod-points. What most of the slashdotter's are missing is that writing the email is just another form of ruminating. Even if you don't send it, all you've done is spend more time being angry and possibly engaging in a bunch of confirmation bias fueled "research" to justify your position. After reinforcing your beliefs you're just more primed to get triggered again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

        The whole "emotion as pressure to be released" belief is complete bunk [youarenotsosmart.com]

        .

    • Re:E-Vent (Score:5, Insightful)

      by hey! ( 33014 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @07:46PM (#50297743) Homepage Journal

      An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).

      I don't believe that kind of catharsis actually exists. People conflate the relief from the momentary impulse to do something with relief from the underlying anger. They're not the same thing. I think writing the angry email reviewing all the reasons the other guy is a contemptible, bad person is actually practicing being angry at him. And anything you practice comes more and more naturally with time.

      Let's say someone cuts you off while you're driving, and lets say you start venting at the other driver -- maybe you chase him for a bit, yelling at him. Does that, in your experience, actually make you calmer and more rational toward the other driver? *I* think you're actually prolonging the fear and anger of a momentary encounter that would be best put behind you. It also reinforces the underlying irrational assumptions that turn ordinarily rational people into aggressive, reactive drivers. What you *should* do when you get cut off is immediately remind yourself that everybody, even good, considerate drivers, have bad days. All it takes is a single instant where your attention lapses -- and that happens to everyone occasionally, even you. And even if the other guy's a bad driver, by the time you realized what happened the encounter was already over. Chances are you'll never encounter that guy again.

      In other words deal with the fallacious belief that very momentary negative interaction calls for immediate and aggressive response. Then you can make a rational decision about what the optimal response would be. You can't reason with an angry person, and when that angry person is you you can't reason, period.

      So I'd change the old trick to this: write a conciliatory email and then sleep on it before sending the real one. The reason for not sending the conciliatory email right away is that you don't want to do anything irreversible under the influence of strong emotion. Once you've dealt with the anger you can do a better job of being reasonably assertive; you don't have to let people walk all over you buy you do need some perspective when pushing back.

      • No mod points, just want to call this interesting.

        Some of the best people I know (best, as in "least stressed out" and "happy most of the time") are the ones who I describe not so much as "don't give a fuck", but more likely "wouldn't know what to do with it if they had a fuck to give".

    • When I think I'm writing one of these I cc DONT_SEND. Then if I send it I get an 'invalid recipient' error and I get to think about it some more.
  • Bad grammar MAKES ME ANGRY!

  • There used to be a popular psychiatric idea that people needed to vent their anger. People were told to yell or even hit pillows. This was pretty much proven wrong.

    Venting of - ANY kind - tends to reinforce the issue, not make you feel less angry.

    Some people even now state that bottling them up is better. But most state that discussing the issue calmly, preferably with someone whose job it is to keep you calm, works best.

    • Yeah, the best thing to do is to turn the energy of your rage towards solving the problem that caused it in the first place. If your coworker is chewing loudly in the cubicle next to you, then you need to talk to him, or you're going to keep getting angry over and over and over. If your boss is lousy and making you angry, then you need to improve your communication with him, or find a new job.
    • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:20PM (#50296271)

      Punching pillows doesn't work because pillows feel no pain. The psychological satisfaction from violent expressions of anger stems primarily from the fact that you are inflicting suffering upon the object of your anger.

      That's why the best anger-management strategy involves careful planning, a good mask, rubber gloves, and a solid alibi.

    • by macs4all ( 973270 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:33PM (#50296365)

      Some people even now state that bottling them up is better.

      Sounds like one of my favorite Marge Simpson quotes, from the Episode "Moaning Lisa":

      "It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow."

  • by Anonymous Coward

    never send it. if it makes you feel better, start it in email, but don't put a subject or even an address in any of the fields. write it out, save it in drafts and wait 24-48 hours, re-read it. don't send it. but to be safe, use your favorite text editor instead of an accidental email going out

    don't use facebook/twitter or anything else were posting is literally a click away.

  • A former roommate still replies to the emails that I wrote 15 years ago, still angry and unwilling to let go of the past.
    • If that's the only type of email you get from this person, add their email address to your killfile and never see their ranting again.
      • Personally, I would be happy to know that certain former housemates of mine were still so pissed off that they were still writing me angry emails. I would skim them and ignore them and laugh that those fuckers are still suffering, because for the bullshit they inflicted on me for all those years, they'd fucking deserve it.

      • Silicon Valley is a very small world. I still run into him from time to time. He's always polite in person, but never asks why I don't respond to his emails. It's easier to shake my head and delete the email.
    • by antdude ( 79039 )

      Play Frozen's Let It Go song for h(im/er). :P

  • Flame in haste, repent at leisure.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:14PM (#50296217)

    You are all angry cows. Angry cows say moo-grr. MOOOOO-GRRRR! MOOOOOO-GRRRRR! Moo-grr angry cows MOOO-GRRR. Moo-grrr say the angry cows. YOU ANGRY COWS!!

  • Abraham Lincoln (Score:5, Informative)

    by operagost ( 62405 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @04:16PM (#50296237) Homepage Journal
    Lincoln used to write harsh letters to people who deserved it-- like his sluggish generals-- then place them in his desk for a day before sending them. He almost never sent them.
    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward

      Lincoln was also known for saying "I don't like that man, I must get to know him better."

    • Lincoln used to write harsh letters to people who deserved it-- like his sluggish generals-- then place them in his desk for a day before sending them. He almost never sent them.

      He probably should have to a few of them. The union's generalship was extremely bad at the start of the war. You think General Tso is chicken? General McClellan is chickener, might even be chickenest. He got the battle plans of the traitors mistakenly left behind in a camp site for the battle of Antietam. Still managed to rack up one of the highest casuality rates in the entire war.

      Hooker and others were extremely bad. He was scrapping the bottom of the barrel when he picked Grant.

      • Hooker and others were extremely bad. He was scrapping the bottom of the barrel when he picked Grant.

        Not really the bottom of the barrel, just from a secondary front where he had been racking up success after success, invading Tennessee, isolating Texas, controlling the Mississippi, and pushing the enemy lines back.

  • I've found that when I'm horribly verbally abusive to telemarketers they actually take me off of their calling list. For that to work one has to make it very personal to the individual on the other end of the line. Be careful though, do not stray into threat territory. It actually works best when one suggests an action for them to perform upon themselves, the more vulgar, the better. The goal is to put the call center operator out-of-sorts. They're used to people being rude, but if one is vulgar in a w
  • I find that focusing on anger leads to more anger, and just about anything else is better. You can try to ignore it, figure out a solution or workaround, try to discuss it calmly, talk to a third party to get an outside perspective, sleep on it, etc.

    We all know angry people, and I don't think many of us intentionally want to be that way. It takes some discipline to change and is an ongoing effort.
    • While true I believe it is true in the short term ignoring it does not make the issue go away. If it is recurring issue then it is much better the long run to express your feelings, and sometimes that feeling is anger.

      Of course there are limits, you need to find a middle ground (don't go beating anyone up). Letting people walk all over you does lead to a happy life either.

      • I think in many cases ignoring is a very healthy response. For example, we are subjected to insults throughout our lives. Maybe someone cuts us off in traffic, or some paperwork gets fouled up and needs to be done again. Nothing is gained by angrily honking your horn or waving a finger or a gun. Nothing is gained by screaming at your insurance provider.

        If your favorite sports team, political regime, tribal affiliation or operating system is badmouthed I think the most healthy response is to simply ignore
        • It should be an individual choice. Lots of times it's fun and therapeutic for me to come up with creative insults. I'm laughing after I post it, not angry. I can see how some PC researcher who doesn't know me might think I'm getting angrier and angrier though. But that just says more about them than about me.

        • by KGIII ( 973947 )

          If you are honking your horn or waving a finger then no, you will not get much in the way of results. I do beg to differ about the firearm. If you are waving about a firearm in public (or in private, in some situations) then you may very well get meaningful results. They may not be the results you were hoping for but they will be results. They may even be resolutions. There are not so very many places left that you can wildly wave around a firearm and expect people to just ignore your behavior. We can discu

  • You are not within arms reach when the person receiving your angry assault is reacting to what you wrote, so you are unlikely to be physically assaulted...

    On the other hand, you won't be there to see them react to all those stinging statements you made, nor can you stick out your tongue and go "Nana Nanna Na a" when you see their brow wrinkled in anger...

    • by KGIII ( 973947 )

      That reminds me of the adage... Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that? Well, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

  • The object of love is love. The object of hate is hate. The object of anger is anger.

  • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

    Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • The results were really bad. I came to the sad conclusion that there are quite a few people with not much self-respect, who just look for any excuse to blow everything out of proportion and evade all responsibility for their actions (e.g., "why are you screaming to me?", "because you screamed to me before", "I don't care! You cannot scream to me!").

      I agree with your general sentiment, though I think the problem may not always be "people with not much self-respect." I think it's really hard to calibrate tone in an impersonal medium like e-mail. You may think you're discussing something in a calm, logical way -- but to the other person whom you're criticizing, all they see is a point-by-point attack on their work. All it takes is a couple little places where the meaning could be misconstrued, and suddenly they can become very defensive.

      In these cas

      • You may think you're discussing something in a calm, logical way -- but to the other person whom you're criticizing, all they see is a point-by-point attack on their work. All it takes is a couple little places where the meaning could be misconstrued, and suddenly they can become very defensive.

        Yes, but ultimately that's their problem. Unless they are your boss, of course, in which case it's your problem AND the companies problem.

        Whilst it's true that writing an email and then trashing it, or waiting a day

    • by KGIII ( 973947 )

      When everybody is yelling then nobody is listening. I refuse to even attempt to communicate with someone who is being loud unless they are being loud so that they can be heard above the din of the music or reasonable. Sadly, that took me a long time to learn.

      On the other hand, when I do get angry (and I do) then it gets blown off pretty quickly. If it does not then I do not get loud. I get quiet. My voice lowers, is quieter, and is metered. I.. do... not... want... to... have... to... say... this... a... se

  • The issue was that his angry rant against his boss was seen by his boss. The "error" is in venting in places where you'll get in trouble for it.

    And this notion that venting makes you angrier? What? All evidence points to the contrary.

  • http://www-personal.umich.edu/... [umich.edu] http://www-personal.umich.edu/... [umich.edu] Yet there are still pop-psychologists who recommend hitting your pillow...
    • there are still pop-psychologists who recommend hitting your pillow...

      I wonder if "hitting your pillow" is a euphemism. It sounds like something you'd look up on Urban Dictionary.

      "So Bob from Accounting's boss walked in on him in the men's room, and he was, you know, hitting the pillow.

    • It's funny how many articles come up that say most research is flawed and unrepeatable, and slashdotters jump all over themselves agreeing; but when a research study supports your personal biased opinion, you're the first to cite it as the ultimate proof that you are right!

  • Recovery (Score:4, Interesting)

    by StikyPad ( 445176 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @05:13PM (#50296729) Homepage

    Recovering angry e-mailer here. I used to do this all the time, particularly when I got upset at a loved one. It's easier for me to organize and lay out my thoughts coherently in writing than verbally. Unfortunately, I've often done more damage than good by hitting send, but I have a patient and loving GF who has, over time, convinced me NOT to hit Send, and just read them to her in person. That's given me the instant feedback they talk about in the article, and I can tell when I've gone too far, or when something I've said has been misinterpreted. And of course, I can omit things that I would never say to her face, because I recognize that they're just person attacks that are hurtful and harmful.

    I hate admitting when I'm wrong, but I forwarded this article to her so she could feel vindicated by science. She deserves it.

    Anyway, enough sincerity.. how 'bout them local sports teams?

  • Does that count as ANGRY EMAIL??? I THINK IT SHOULD!, DAMMIT!!!!!

    I guess the article is wrong. I feel better already.

  • We think it's private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we're in our pajamas.

    Huh? I zoned out for a moment there. What's this story about?!

  • Outlook can be set to delay [office.com] outgoing emails.

    The sent message sits in the Outbox until the configured delay elapses, after which Outlook automatically sends it. I've found it handy for recalling a sent email and reviewing it, making minor edits, or moving it back into Drafts and reworking it before resending it out.

  • ... it is definitely not what our culture says though. So let's ignore it.

    Anger is like steam, and must be "vented". You can see how well that has worked; how calm and peaceful we've become since the 60s when we discovered the steam like properties of anger.

  • OBEY!

  • by jdavidb ( 449077 ) on Tuesday August 11, 2015 @10:02PM (#50298409) Homepage Journal

    Newton Hightower's book Anger Busters contains a great overview of anger management techniques that work and anger management techniques that don't work. Venting doesn't work. It just reinforces the neural pathways that are involved in anger. Sure you feel great, but it makes it harder to avoid the angry outburst next time, when you might really need to. Meanwhile, if you had prevented yourself from expressing anger, you could have instead been training your brain to devote its efforts to problem solving, instead.

    I did a lot of anger management work a few years ago and as a result I discovered solutions to lots of my problems. As a result I'm much much happier with every aspect of my life, because I've been able to actually fix the problems that were frustrating me.

  • I don't send a lot of angry emails but I'm pretty sure that angry Slashdot comments do the same thing.

Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem. -- P.D. Ouspensky

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