Researchers Discover How To Make the Perfect Phone Call

Having made amazing discoveries such as how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, linking heavy caffeine use to sleeplessness, and figuring out where all the teaspoons have gone, science has made the greatest breakthrough yet. They have uncovered the secrets of making the perfect phone call. The perfect phone call clocks in at a mere 9 minutes and 36 seconds, easily 11 minutes shorter than any conversation I've ever had with my mom. Unlike a call to mom, the perfect phone call is almost devoid of any gossip about her divorced neighbor and her heavily tattooed daughter. Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex. What's left of your 9 mins 36 secs is a free for all.

WTF samzenpus?

[Somegeek]

This is not science.
This is not "stuff that matters"
This is not "news for nerds"

Why the hell are you posting this crap?

Re:

[danieltdp]

I can't tell you why, but it is by far the most useless news I've seen posted around here. Its not good enough even to idle session!

Re:

[pjotrb123]

The perfect phone call would tell me my salary has been doubled, or my work hours have been cut in half. Or both

Re:WTF samzenpus?

[TheLazySci-FiAuthor]

This is not science.
This is not "stuff that matters"
This is not "news for nerds"

Why the hell are you posting this crap?

You should call samzenpus up and have a good 9 minute 36 second disucssion about this.

Re:WTF samzenpus?

[DaveV1.0]

I doubt it would be a perfect phone call due to the 9 minutes of reaming.

Re:

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:

[zygotic mitosis]

Yeah. TFA says that the research was done by experts at the British telecom "Post Office". Summary claims 'science'. I disagree.

Re:WTF samzenpus?

[hansamurai]

Idle was created for this very reason... yet it's polluting science.slashdot.org

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

> Why the hell are you posting this crap?

They needed someplace to show off all of Shampoo's inventions.

Re:

[sumdumass]

Then needed one more excuse to use the Bush with the phone upside down picture before having to switch to the Obama one. [snopes.com]

Re:

[againjj]

This [telegraph.co.uk] makes it sound a little less inane. However, it was apparently a survey conducted online. [royalmailgroup.com] So, it is pretty bad.

Silly me

[shaitand]

In my world, a perfect phone call wouldn't involve my mother at all.

Re:

[danieltdp]

I my world, a perfect phone call wouldn't involve a phone at all!

Re:

[SQLGuru]

In my world, the only reason to have a phone is for accoustic coupling......who needs to talk when you have a TTY terminal.

Layne

Re:

[Manfre]

In some one's world, a perfect phone call would involve your mom.

Re:Silly me

[Stewie241]

Would seem silly to use the phone to make a call from the basement to upstairs.

Re:

[Joe Snipe]

I had a perfect call with your mom last night.

Re:

[rob1980]

The only way it could have been made more perfect would be if you didn't have to dial a 900 number to get to the GP's mom!

Re:

[jonadab]

Yeah, well, in my world, the phrase "phone call" usually goes into the same sentence with words like "interruption", "annoyance", and "accursed", and phrases such as "modern work environment", "noise pollution", and "Scott Adams".

Somewhere, in a completely unrelated sentence, which probably takes place in an idyllic setting, one might find the word "perfect", sitting alongside such words as "quiet" and "peaceful" and "relaxing". In this context, one supposes that it's probably snowing gently, a dry powder

Re:

[shaitand]

In my world the perfect phone call would probably involve news about some blow, four playmates, and a large case small unmarked bills. YMMV.

Rather

[2names]

Just send an SMS.

Re:

[mmu_man]

SMS are dangerous, just ask the french president ;)

Why doesnt the BBC use slashcode in forums

[coastwalker]

If only they could discover how to make the perfect first post.

No Phone call is the perfect phone call

[andy19]

I'd rather just not be on the phone at all.

Daughter?

[Anonymous Coward]

Is the heavily tattooed daughter single?

Re:Daughter?

[infonography]

Is the heavily tattooed daughter single?

that is surprisingly the most relevant post to Slashdot so far.

"Perfect?" Standards?

[philspear]

Has "perfect" taken on a new meaning? The summary didn't explain, and neither did the freaking article as to what they mean by "perfect" or "ideal." Is this merely what the researchers themselves prefered? "9:36 is the ideal time, because that's exactly how long it takes me to walk from my lab to my house."

NOT SCIENCE DAMNIT!!

Re:

[zobier]

More importantly, can we please get samzenpus's mom's neighbor's daughter's phone number?

Re:

[Tastecicles]

that would bite if "she" turned out to be a four month old "he".

Re:

[PingPongBoy]

I would imagine perfect is another word for optimal. There are many things in your life that can be affected by a phone call. Take that impact on average, considering all the phone calls that you are typically making, and the perfect phone call becomes the objective phone call, the kind of call that you want to make every time, the Holy Grail of phone calls.

Even more perfect...

[teabag_46]

My idea of the perfect phone call, is the one I miss!

Perfect phone call

[Profane MuthaFucka]

"Profane Muthafucka, It's for you"

"Tell them I'm on the toilet and if it's important they can send me an email."

My perfect phone call

[syousef]

- 5-8 hours long

- Speaking to a member of the opposite sex who I am romantically interested in

- May or may not be G-rated in parts

- Costs under $2

- (Definitely not a phone sex line - never called one of those)

Re:

[syousef]

You have NO idea what you're missing.

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Hey guys!! Come look at this. There's a girl on /.

http://slashdot.org/~syousef

Re:

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call

[Joe The Dragon]

And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call.

Re:

[farnsaw]

Actually, the king of all calls is the FAKE Prison / jail call to your parents... when you are 16... and out with their car!

Now what

[electricbern]

Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex

I am currently doing your heavily tattooed daughter, who I've meet at work, under pouring rain. There, covered, family, work, current affairs, weather and opposite sex. Should I hang up or use the 9 minutes 36 seconds on the details?

Lost Teaspoons

[MozeeToby]

I just read the lost teaspoons article and I have to admit it was actually kind of interesting and funny. If they had been able to draw any real conclusions it's almost IgNobel worthy. My favorite part came at the end, when they surveyed the people they had been researching. Of the people that responded to the survey, "Thirty six (38%) were male, 57 were female (61%), and one was undecided."

divorced neighbor and heavily tattooed daughter ..

[Spectre]

Do you have the phone number for the heavily tattooed daughter?

I might like to give her a perfect phone call ...

Most imperfect phone call?

[Anonymous Coward]

When you dial a phone-sex line and talk for 9 minutes and 36 seconds before realizing the person at the other end is actually your mom...

Phones = Super Satan

[SirusTV]

The only perfect phone call is the one that never takes place. I keep my cell phone on me at all times .... strictly for the internet. If someone calls me they better be on fire. There is no other logical reason that someone would make me get on a phone than if they were on fire and I was the last person on earth, and only I could put them out.

for chicks, maybe

[boristdog]

That may be a perfect phone call for chicks, but 9:36 is WAY too freaking long for guys.

Perfect guy phone call:
*ring*
Guy 1: Hello.
Guy 2: Hey man, I'll meet you at the *bar/your place/bowling alley/casino/strip club/etc.* in 30 minutes.
Guy 1: Cool.
*click*

Re:

[2short]

With the advent of caller ID and a sufficiently consistent agenda, one friend and I went a year or so having the same conversation once a week:

*ring*
Guy 1: Go.
*click*

I had to call him back if I wanted to say anything different.

Re:

[Russellkhan]

Why not just text it?

Re:

[2short]

This was before "texting"; we thought it was awfully new-fangled that caller id let us drop the "Hello", cutting our word count in half. So yeah, I'm old.

Re:

[pdboddy]

Is it? When you take into consideration the time it takes to punch in a ten digit phone number, wait for the phone to be answered, then speak... I've already sent a text saying change of plans... :P The phone conversation is only faster when you're having one of those 9 minute, 36 seconds long conversations..

Re:

[iastor]

That's great! I'm learning all of my social skills from GTA 4, too :)

In a similar breakthrough

[Forzan]

In a similar breakthrough, scientists discovered the perfect Slashdot post consists of twenty-five words and contains a slight jab at the validity of the article.

Re: Hofstadter would be proud!

[TaoPhoenix]

His post contains 25 words and a slight jab at the article.

Re:

[Fnord666]

In a similar breakthrough, scientists discovered the perfect Slashdot post consists of twenty-five words and contains a slight jab at the validity of the article.

The perfect post also has to contain two speling errers and a grammatical error. And an unrelated car analogy, which the parent post does not.

Possibly research was involved

[Forzan]

The research probably involved a large set of subjects volunteering to have their phone calls recorded. After each call, they could fill out a form or send a text message rating how satisfied they were with that call.

It's not too hard to imagine this being actual research, rather than immediately considering it subjective junk science -- but I agree that the article is crap for not giving any details. Is there a newsier, nerdier article available?

no editors today

[frovingslosh]

I see the editors took the day off.

The leader of the Free World

[mrob1]

The president is holding the telephone upside down.

Re:

[md65536]

FAKE!!!!

This is an obvious photoshop job. You can tell its fake because the shadow's are all wrong.

This is from a scene in the movie Never Back Down where the prez calls to give props to Max and Baja.

In Soviet Russia, 1-900 Call pays YOU.

[tetsu96]

Suddenly Soviet Russia sounds nice.

My perfect phone call...

[philci52]

To person of attractive opposite sex:
Me: How about a movie, some drinks and a game of strip poker
Her: I'll be right over.
Click.

Another BS "formula" story

[Daniel Rutter]

These "scientists have discovered the formula for" sorts of stories make (actual) scientists look like nutty boffins who make no real contribution to the world. (Actually, the word "boffin" is, in the Commonwealth, a pretty good marker for BS science stories.)

Newspaper science reporting is bad enough already. Do we really need this pure liquid crap flowing through Slashdot too?

(Ben "Bad Science" Goldacre has had rather a lot to say [google.com] about these sorts of stories, and the whores who create them, over the years

opposite sex?

[famebait]

24 seconds talking about the opposite sex.

I'm gay, you insensitive clod.

Oh, wait.
No I'm not.

Relevance question

[Arancaytar]

Why is this summary illustrated by George W. Bush with a telephone?