The Funniest Joke in the World 209
Tackhead writes: "In another example of life imitating Monty Python, this article on nature.com says that the British Association for the Advancement of Science has created Laugh Lab, a project designed to find the funniest joke in the world. Weaponization possibilities are not discussed. Yet."
Of course, (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Of course, (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Of course, (Score:1)
Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
died laughing and it was lost again.
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:2, Informative)
In one of their skits ("couple in a Bavarian restaurant") they speak genuine German, and I was very surprised because John Cleese had nearly perfect pronounciation of every single word, it's only the melody that's a little odd. I always thought the Brits couldn't do that..
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:2, Informative)
Here [guerilla-films.com]
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Too bad you have to fax the order form, as soon as they add a way to order online (or I get near a fax machine..) I have to get this tape.
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Here's the greatest joke my Dad ever told me:
DAD: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
SON: I don't know.
DAD: Because he was dead.
He has a strange sense of humor...
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
The final joke is to be told at least 10 minutes after the fourth monkey one, & goes like this:
Why did the postman fall of his bike?
Because he got hit on the head by 4 monkeys.
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:2)
Stapled to the 1st monkey.
Why did the 3rd monkey etc.
Peer pressure
---------
What's the difference between a duck?
It has one foot the same
---------
I've got this great joke! Ask me if my name is Sam. Go on, ask me!
Is your name Sam?
No. (Delivered deadpan. Alternatively use facial expression to imply asker is a mental defective)
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:3, Informative)
Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die
Flipperwaldt gersput!
dave "and now for comething completely different"
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Translation:
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful!
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
Re:Monty Python already did this. (Score:1)
doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:1)
But i bet one of the lawyer jokes will be rated the best, unless ofcourse they sue the lab before that claiming emotional damage etc
Re:doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:1)
Don't you realize your sig is funny?
Re:doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:1)
Jesus, it's a joke. It's funny. Laugh.
Either you are taking things WAY too seriously, or there's some subtle humour in your post I've missed.
Oh no, we're surrounded by SlashDot!
Re:doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:1)
This is true, which is why I prefer the musician jokes. Like these:
Two drummers walk into a bar. Funny, you'd think the second one would have seen it coming.
What do you call an accordian player with a pager?
An optimist. (Note: Almost any instrument can be subsituted for accordian in this one)
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.
How do you keep two piccolos in tune?
Shoot one of them.
It's 2:45am and I can't think of any more off the top of my head so yes, I know I missed a bunch.
Musician jokes (Score:1)
How do you know a drummer's at the door?
The knocking keeps getting faster.
How do you know a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
Etc...
Re:Musician jokes (Score:1)
The viola burns longer.
Re:doesn't it vary from person to person (Score:2)
doesn't it vary from person to person
Da. Could be sayink "Different Jokes for Different Folks".
Well, I thought it was funny.
Michael
Laugh Lab (Score:1)
Liberace(rip)
The converse is The Three Stooges
This "project" is sure to be up near the top.
But.... (Score:1)
*ducks*
There were two peanuts walking down the road. (Score:4, Funny)
Peanut.
Re:There were two peanuts walking down the road. (Score:1)
stupidest joke (Score:1)
Oh yeah that'll speed it up 3 times
My entry for the stupidest joke !!!!
Classic Polish (Score:1, Troll)
He has a seat at the bar. He orders a drink and start's shootin' the wind with the gentleman next to them. Jokes are exchanged and finally the guy says.. " i have the funniest joke for you"
Other man:
"oh yeah? Let's hear it"
Joe:
"Alright, but I wanna make sure that you aren't offended by Polish jokes"
a cross look appears on the other guy's face, his tone changes and he says to Joe:
"Lookie here mister, I'm polish and I'm proud of it. Also, you should know, the bartender? He's polish too. And the bouncer over there? He too is polish... So do you still wanna tell your joke??"
Joe thinks about it, then replies:
"Nah, on second though I better not, I wouldn't want to explain it three times"
Re:Classic Polish (Score:1)
Q: What is the integral round Western Europe?
A: Zero. All the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
(Actually there are some poles in western Europe but they're all removable)
When scientists analyse humour... (Score:3, Funny)
Why is a wife like an umbrella?
Because some days you want to take a cab.
Hmmmm.
The funniest joke (Score:1, Funny)
Use of resources? (Score:3, Funny)
The search for a sense of humour continues...
The WORST Joke In The World: The Purple Wombat (Score:2, Funny)
[Begin]
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
What's the moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.
Re:The WORST Joke In The World: The Purple Wombat (Score:1)
Ayup. (Score:1)
Heard it before, and it may not be the worst joke, but it's the worst one I've ever heard.
That's a pretty good telling of it, though.
Re:The WORST Joke In The World: The Purple Wombat (Score:1)
Eventually bordom and frustration set it and the teller is asked if there is actually and end to this joke.
The reply? "Of course not. It's a serial"
Violence then usually ensues...
Gaaak! (Score:1)
"Look! A talking dog!"
Now that they have LaughLab ... (Score:2, Funny)
A truly scientific study... (Score:1)
"Laugh Lab is part of Science Year and is the largest scientific study ever into humour... Each month we will announce the top jokes. Then, in September 2002, we will reveal which of your entries got the highest "Laughometer" ratings and crown it the Nation's funniest joke!"
Rudolph in Moscow (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Rudolph in Moscow (Score:2)
In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sees she's agitated and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.
"That's outrageous!" says the man. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be insulting passengers."
"You 're right!" the woman says. "I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," says the man. "Here, I'll hold your monkey."
boewulf (Score:1, Troll)
Here's one! (Score:4, Funny)
A farmer had a problem. His rooster was growing old and didn't do his responsibilities as well as in his young days. So the farmer went and bought a new rooster to fill in.
The new rooster went all cocky to the old one and said: "Ok old timer. I'm the man in this house, so you'd better get your feathers out of here."
The old one didn't feel like giving up that easily so he challenged the new rooster for a race: "Let's run 20 laps around the henhouse. The faster wins and the loser leaves."
As the new rooster was confident of his speed, the two went outside and a hen gave them the start signal.
The old rooster sprinted and got ahead with the new rooster tightly after him.
The old rooster was leading after 1st lap.
The old rooster was still ahead after the 2nd lap.
On the 3rd lap there was a loud BANG and the new rooster flew against the henhouse wall in a big clowd of feathers. The farmer lowered his shotgun and muttered: "That'll be the last gay rooster in this house."
Kind of related: (Score:3)
World's shortest joke? (Score:1)
Re:World's shortest joke? (Score:1)
I was driving down the street the other day and turned into a driveway!
Double ouch.
Re:World's shortest joke? (Score:1)
A seal walks into a club.
Those who don't know, study. (Score:3, Interesting)
Jay Leno (a comedian in the U.S.) makes $40,000 for perhaps 90 minutes of comedy. And Jay Leno is not very funny.
Obviously, if those studying the "science" of comedy knew anything about it, they would be out doing it, and not hanging around in a musty university drawing professor pay.
Re:Those who don't know, study. (Score:1)
Hasn't this been done already? (Score:1)
The World's Funniest Joke [everything2.com]
The World's Sickest Joke Ever [everything2.com]
Be advised though; that latter one is bad.
Hey, don't laugh! (Score:1)
This reminds me of a Scientific American article from many years ago about why people like music. The essence was that our enjoyment of music might be connected to fractal patterns in the music, in our nervous systems, and in subtle mathematical properties of changes we observe in the world around us. It seemed to suggest that the patterns in the music might map onto specific thought patterns -- love, fear, a sunny day, etc. This mapping could be what we are actually enjoying when we enjoy the music, and could explain why large numbers of people often react the same way to a given piece of music. I remember being excited by the idea that the encoding of thoughts might be based more on mathematics than on individual physiology, which would bode well for the future of direct mind-to-mind communication.
So what these British guys are doing with humor is quite intriguing. Although it might seem silly on the surface, it could lead to a greater understanding of how we are wired, which would be a good thing.
Ah, but what are the machine names ? (Score:1)
mike.laughlabs.co.uk ?
michelle.laughlabs.co.uk ?
After all, computers analysing humor have been talked about before -in this book [colorado.edu]
Here goes.... (Score:2)
Man: "Doctor, I've got a really sore throat".
Doctor: "OK, say 'Ahhh'"
Man: "Why?"
Doctor: "My dog died last night."
An average joke? Blah! (Score:2, Insightful)
In other words, a mildly amusing, but pretty lame joke.
Something like Cosby.
No, this is the funniest joke in the world! (Score:1)
The first says: "Hey, pass me the shampoo".
The second answers: "What, Do you think I'm a typewriter?!"
While we're posting jokes... (Score:1)
"Bubba, everyone here and in England seem to know you so well, what gives?"
"Oh, I'm just popular, that's all."
It seemed like a odd explanation, but Jacob let it drop. The next day, they visited Germany. Again, everybody was saying hello to Bubba, and Jacob just couldn't understand, so he mentioned to Bubba again.
"Bubba, come on man, what gives? People in three different nations are calling out to you."
"They just know me, that's all. I'm very well networked."
Once again, Jacob let it drop at that.
On the next day, they went through Italy. And wouldn't you know it, everyone called out to Bubba by name. Jacob couldn't stand it any longer.
"Bubba, what is going on?"
"Nothing, they just know me, that's all. Everybody does."
"Everybody? No way."
"Yes Jacob, everybody. Look, tomorrow, we're going to visit the Vatican, right? I'll get myself a private audience with the Pope to prove it."
They made a small wager, and set out to the Vatican the next day. Then, Bubba disappeared for awhile. Later on, the Pope gave an appearance to the crowd that day, and at his right side, was none other than Bubba. Jacob was completely mystified. He picked up a conversation with the man next to him. "I can't believe it! Everywhere I go he knows everybody! And now he is standing up there!" Jacob cried up to the man. To which, the man replied, "You mean the man standing next to Bubba?"
Breaks UN Treaty... (Score:1)
I guess Bush is shoving it to the international community yet again...
Dear Mr. Architect, (Score:2)
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my wobbly 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be chosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
Re:Dear Mr. Architect, (Score:1)
At least it very accurately describes the way actual customers behave like in software industry.
One more...for the lab (Score:1)
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
I did almost the same thing (Score:1)
so we would corner someone, then tell a really stupid joke like
"Did you here what crossed the road"?
"POTATO"!
and then laugh really hard.
and about 3/4 of the time, we would get the cornered guy to laugh
the idea is the joke (Score:1)
Re: (Score:1, Funny)
A Meta Joke (Score:1)
The first attempts to complete the task, but fails in a manner completely characteristic of the stereotype of his minority group.
The second says, "No, no, you have it entirely wrong," and he attempts to complete the menial task. He, however fails in a manner highly analogous to the failure of the first person, but in a manner characteristic of *HIS* minority group.
The third says, "You both have it ALL wrong." He then attempts the menial task and fails spectacularly, in a manner completely different from the first two, but in a manner that reinforces a commonly held stereotype about his minority group!
Feel free to emit a response (laugh or groan) as your particular sense of humor and minority sensitivities allow.
Re:A Meta Joke (Score:1)
I'm offended that you assume that all minorities trying to do menial tasks are MEN!
:)
The funniest joke in the world (Score:2, Funny)
So he said to his wife, "Pack me some lunch".
So she packed him some lunch, and he went off to the railway station.
He ate his lunch, and then he fell asleep, and missed his train.
He was daft.
C-Strike-Jokes (Score:1)
Recursive Joking (Score:1)
ObAsimov (Score:2)
Re:ObAsimov (Score:1)
How many Software Engineers ? (Score:3, Funny)
Q) How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A) None, it's a harware problem!
I worked on this project. (Score:4, Funny)
It was quite a project and actually quite enlightening. It's amazing to hear all the jokes you once heard that made fun of people from Arkansas, being retold about people from Newfoundland or wherever.
Once we got the data consolidated, we were able categorize them and set a primary key for each joke. This was particularly effective because the jokes could be then referred to (and even enjoyed) merely by referring to the primary key. (And any variant information.)
For example, "6653 - Newfie" would take the base text,
6653 - "Why did the $Disparaged_ethnic_groupmember put tinfoil on his nose?"
and insert the variant information.
After work, we'd head to the pub and hoist a few pints, retelling our favorites, only needing to use the number.
"37684!" someone would shout and the rest of the group would laugh.
"238!" and people would be rolling on the floor...
One night, Dr. Wiseman stands up and says "6245!"
Dead silence. Thinking, he again tries. "6245?"
Again, dead silence.
Dejected, he sat down and stared into his Guinness and mutters: "I never *could* tell a joke..."
;-)
(Sorry, I couldn't resist. )
Jim
Re:I worked on this project. (Score:1)
"they'd never heard that one before"
Re:I worked on this project. (Score:2)
The next night Dr. Wiseman tried again: "-126!"
There was complete silence, then the crowd laughed and cheered until tears ran down their faces.
They'd never heard that one before.
Cultural differences... (Score:1)
Personally I'm from The Netherlands, and I tend not to appreciate the dutch humor very much. As a former UK citizen, English humor still has my personal preferences.
Not only the country you live in but also the culture found in your proffession is of significant influence to your sense of humor. For example, ICT-proffessionals have different humor than lawyers, policemen and housewives (may it be obvious that gender determines your sense of humor too).
I'm very curious, also a bit sceptical about the feasibility of this "project".
Re:Cultural differences... (Score:1, Interesting)
Two Words (Score:2)
have we learned nothing from USENET history?
ddm, feeling older than he should and surprised that no one's referenced it yet
P.S. Don't go modding me down if you don't get the reference.
The Funniest Song In The World (Score:1)
I don't know the funniest joke in the world but this has got to be the funniest song [theworstoftheworst.com] in the world. My apologies for forever damaging you psyche in advance.
Collaborative Filtering (Score:2)
- You are exposed to fifteen different jokes, which you have to rate according to how funny you find them
- Then your humour profile is compared to all the other profiles, they have
- Based on the matches, they will show the jokes, which best suit your sense of humour.
This seems like a much more likely way of finding the funniest joke in the world, because here you can find the funniest joke in the world according to your taste.
Give it a shot. You dont have to fill in a working email address to get it to work.
This is the funniest joke: (Score:2, Funny)
There were 3 race horses, Ernie, Bill, and Ted. The three of them enjoyed racing eachother and generally won and lost to eachother equally.
Every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. They would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.
One season, Bill wasn't doing so well. He rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. One night, at the bar, he talked with Ernie and Ted about it.
"You know guys, I just can't figure it out." He said. "Everything's fine at home, the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits, nothing could be better. Maybe I'm just getting old. If things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."
The bartender, a big llama named Floyd, overheard the conversation. He looked around, to make sure no body else was listening, then said, "Hey bud, I got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." He reached under the bar and pulled out an un-labeled bottle of beer. "Here, drink this. I guarantee, you'll start winning again. Come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. If it doesn't work, I'll give you double your money back!"
Bill looked at Ernie and Ted, who only shrugged, then drank contents of the bottle.
"Oh, just one thing" The llama said, "It'll make your ass itch, but, that's okay, it's just a side-effect. Don't worry about it."
The three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.
Over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and Bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. His racing times did improve! He was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with Ernie and Ted. Bill was ecstatic, and thanked the Llama profusely.
"Hey, my pleasure" Said the llama.
A few weeks passed by, and Ernie started slowing down. After losing 3 races in a row one day, he sobbed to himself, "I just don't get it. My life couldn't be better. I can't believe I'm getting old! They'll send me to the glue factory if I don't get back in the groove!"
That evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer.
"Okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch, but don't pay it no mind. It's just a harmless side effect."
"No Problem. It'll be worth it to get back in the groove." Ernie said.
A few days went by. Ernie's ass did indeed itch, and after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ted.
At the bar one evening, Ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.
"I just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" Ernie said. "You're sitting on a gold mine there!"
The llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.
A few more weeks pass, and Ted starts slowing down, losing races. He too realizes that he'll be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improve.
"Say," He said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "I think I need to try that mystery beer too. They'll ship me off to the glue factory if I don't start winning again."
"No problem." The llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "Here. Come back every night, and I guarantee, you'll be back in top form again, or I'll give you double your money back."
Over the course of the next few weeks, Ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ernie. He pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "You know, my ass itches a lot, it's almost unbearable. But I can't thank you enough. They would have killed me by now if it weren't for you. Anything you want, let me know and I'll see what I can do."
"No problem," said the llama, "I make this beer at home using an ancient Inca recipe. It's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."
"I swear," Ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."
"Well, now that you mention it..." the llama began saying.
Right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. He was obviously depressed.
"Barkeep, give me something strong. I'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe." The greyhound said.
Ted looked at the greyhound, then to Bill and Ernie, and said "Hey look! A talking dog!"
what a waste of time (Score:2, Offtopic)
What do u get when you put an exam in the freezer? (Score:1)
A testicle!
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? (Score:2)
How did Helen Keller burn her ear? (Score:2)
Why did Helen Keller have yellow socks? (Score:2)
Infinite Jest (Score:2)
This was also the subject of a very long and (mostly) serious novel called "Infinite Jest" about a movie that was so entertaining that anyone who watched it would just continue to watch it over and over again until they died of starvation.
Howevere, we are never told that the movie is specifically funny, as much as it is entertaining.
Heinlein's take on humor (Score:1)
Modular Joke, Canonical Version (Score:3, Funny)
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Inter-
MOO!
Re:Modular Joke, Variant Version (Score:2)
Who's there?
Interrupting Slashdot.
Inter-
FP [goatse.cx]!
Best Bar joke ever (Score:3, Funny)
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
The funniest joke in the world. . . (Score:1)
Language (Score:2)
Here's how to tell a joke.... (Score:1)
Time passes and it's about 12:30 when Billy gets up to get a drink of water. While he's trucking down the hall he passes his parents open bedroom door, where he sees his folks going to town.
After watching the action for a minute Billy pipes up and says "Hey Pop!, What are ya doing?". The father without missing a beat replies "Don't worry son, we're just making you a little sister".
Billy snaps back with "Ok, but do me a favor and turn her over, I'd rather have *a PUPPY*!"
Weaponisation possibilities discussed... (Score:2)
Original story by Kuttner, not M. Python (Score:2)
The Python sketch is reasonably close to the original story, as I recall, except for trivial details. E.g. I remember that part of it had to do with a German marching song, which was harmless in English but drove soldiers mad in German, which went in part "Left! Right! Left his wife and seventeen children with nothing but gingerbread left! Right! Left....etc". Thus the story title.
Kuttner is always worth reading, and often very funny. I think some of his stuff is still in print. (Hmm, was Kuttner a pseudonym? I can't recall.)
Professional Wild-Eyed Visionary
Two jokes guaranteed not to make it (Score:3, Funny)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
*ducks rotting vegetables*
(I think we need a -1, Not Funny moderation...)
Psi Effects (Score:2)
Click the link.
The End of Humor (Score:2, Informative)