Simple and effective, the cornerstones of invention.

Day 1: The barrel roll.

It's just a little water damage.

Election officials in northern Chicago want to know why voter registration material was sent to Princess, a dead goldfish. "I am just stunned at the level of people compromising the integrity of the voting process," said Lake County Clerk Willard Helander, a Republican, who said she has spotted problems with nearly 1,000 voter registrations this year. Beth Nudelman, who owned Princess, said the fish may have got on a mailing list because the family once filled in her name when they got a second phone line for a computer. When will we recognize a goldfish's right to vote?

A British psychologist, Richard Wiseman, claims to have created the most relaxing room in the world. The room has soft matting, the scent of lavender, diffuse green light and gentle music. Every week stressed out people can come and decompress in the room while professor Wiseman makes modifications according to their suggestions. I did a bit of research in this area myself in college, and have a few suggestions: Poof chair, good speakers, The Cowboy Junkies, a purple lava lamp, blackberry tea, and a smoking device. That should do it.

Iranian Officials have detained two suspected "spy pigeons" near a uranium enrichment facility. One of the pigeons was caught near a rosewater production plant in the city of Kashan in Isfahan province, according to a report in the reformist Etemad Melli newspaper. "Early this month, a black pigeon was caught bearing a blue-coated metal ring, with invisible strings," an unnamed source says. Last year the Iranians arrested 14 squirrels for espionage. No, that is not a joke.

In a story straight from the stereotype news generator, 89-year-old Edna Jester is facing theft charges because she refuses to give a child back a football that ended up in her yard. Police say there had been an ongoing dispute over the football and a child's parent called to report that Jester kept the ball after it landed in her yard again. "I'm 89 years old and I want a little peace of mind," Jester said. "This is my life here in this chair, looking out that door, and all I see is playing the ball down and all over and all over. If it doesn't come in my yard, OK, but if it comes in my yard, I'm going to get it. No trespassing."

From the author of "How To Stand Like This" and "How To Sleep Like This."

If you leave a cartridge under your pillow, he'll leave you a grenade.

They each come with their very own special name, birth certificate, and adoption papers.

Creativity is least likely to strike in the afternoon, according to a survey that suggests office workers have little chance of solving problems after lunch. A poll of 1,426 people showed that a quarter of us stay up late when seeking inspiration. Taking a shower or just sitting in the bathroom proved to be a popular way of getting the creative juices flowing. The survey found that 10:04pm was the most creative time, while 4:33pm was the least. I'll think of something funny to write here later.

In an attempt to be on the cutting edge of the absurd, the Swiss government has added an amendment to their plant rights law. It is now illegal to humiliate a plant. "Where does it stop?" asks Yves Poirier, a molecular biologist at the laboratory of plant biotechnology at the University of Lausanne. "Should we now defend the dignity of microbes and viruses?" If the Swiss have their way, nobody will be eating twice-shamed potatoes at my house anymore.

You really do read it for the articles in this case.

This event will not be on the test.

Governor Palin would be proud.

In a small study conducted at the University of Illinois medical school, doctors and students maintained close to the ideal number of chest compressions doing CPR while listening to the Bee Gees hit, "Stayin' Alive." At 103 beats per minute, the old disco song has almost the perfect rhythm to help keep accurate time while doing chest compressions. The study showed the song helped people who already know how to do CPR, and the results were promising enough to warrant larger, more definitive studies with real patients or untrained people. I wonder what intrinsic power is contained in "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"

Because ponies are for wimps.

He killed at the Garden

A master of disguise.

If your significant other complains that you play too much World of Warcraft, just show them this article about a user named "Prepared." He plays an amazing 36 World of Warcraft accounts on 11 different computers at the same time. He is his own raid group. "It costs me exactly $5711 in subscription costs per year with 36 accounts on the 6 month pay schedule," he writes. "Not bad considering I'm looking at it like it's a hobby and there are more expensive hobbies out there than World of Warcraft."