Study Finds People Enjoy Deep Conversations With Strangers (phys.org) 71
People benefit from deep and meaningful conversations that help us forge connections with one another, but we often stick to small talk with strangers because we underestimate how much others are interested in our lives and wrongly believe that deeper conversations will be more awkward and less enjoyable than they actually are, according to research published by the American Psychological Association. Phys.Org reports: If connecting with others in deep and meaningful ways increases well-being, then why aren't people doing it more often in daily life? To answer that question, [researchers] designed a series of twelve experiments with more than 1,800 total participants. The researchers asked pairs of people -- mainly strangers -- to discuss either relatively deep or shallow topics. In some experiments, people received shallow or deep questions to discuss. Shallow questions included typical small-talk topics, such as, "What is the best TV show you've seen in the last month? Tell your partner about it" or "What do you think about the weather today?" while deep questions elicited more personal and intimate information, such as, "Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?" or "If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?" In other experiments, people generated their own deep and shallow conversation topics.
Before the conversations, participants predicted how awkward they thought the conversations would be, how connected they thought they would feel to their conversation partner and how much they would enjoy the conversation. Afterward, they rated how awkward the conversations actually were, how connected they actually felt and how much enjoyment they actually experienced. Overall, the researchers found that both deep and shallow conversations felt less awkward and led to greater feelings of connectedness and enjoyment than the participants had expected. That effect tended to be stronger for deep conversations. Participants who discussed the deep questions overestimated how awkward the conversation would be significantly more than those who discussed shallow questions. Deep conversations were also more enjoyable and led to a stronger sense of connection.
Before the conversations, participants predicted how awkward they thought the conversations would be, how connected they thought they would feel to their conversation partner and how much they would enjoy the conversation. Afterward, they rated how awkward the conversations actually were, how connected they actually felt and how much enjoyment they actually experienced. Overall, the researchers found that both deep and shallow conversations felt less awkward and led to greater feelings of connectedness and enjoyment than the participants had expected. That effect tended to be stronger for deep conversations. Participants who discussed the deep questions overestimated how awkward the conversation would be significantly more than those who discussed shallow questions. Deep conversations were also more enjoyable and led to a stronger sense of connection.
Long-haul flights (Score:5, Interesting)
I've had this experience on long-haul flights when traveling alone for work. If I happen to be sitting with someone else doing the exact same thing, the results have often been quite interesting conversations. Topics have varied from IT to cosmology to Chinese vs. European politics in the 15th century. It's always nice to meet folks you'd rarely talk at all otherwise. Applies to ships or any mode of transportation that takes a while to reach destination - I remember taking a ferry from Osaka (Japan) to Kyushu.and spent quite a long time talking to this nice older woman about ocean myths and northern lights...
In my current work, I rarely make long flights alone. Flying is tedious and uncomfortable, but that's one of the aspects I do miss. With short-haul ( 2 hours) this does not really happen. And also, if you are traveling with a family or friends you kinda focus on them instead of random strangers.
Re: (Score:1)
I can agree, provided the flights are business class. In sardine class, I already am bothered enough by my neighbors existence that I really want to strike up a conversation with them.
Re: (Score:2)
I don't deserve it unless I pay for it.
I never really got that "I deserve it" thing. You don't deserve jack shit. You can earn something, or something can be handed to you for one reason or another. But where does that "deserve" thing come in?
Re: (Score:3)
Re:Long-haul flights (Score:5, Interesting)
As a long time software developer, I've developed a knack for getting people to tell me about their jobs. I usually don't initiate conversations on a plane, but if someone engages in small talk and the talk turns to work, pretty soon I'll find myself in "help the client define his problem" mode. It's like a deep conversational rut worn by decades of asking probing questions.
Re: (Score:1)
On an overnight from Glasgow to London, the seating pod of 6 people engaged in shallow conversation about the weather, news and such until people started to doze off. Throughout the night, I woke periodically to find different combinations of 2 people awake and engaging in far more personal subjects, usually about things I never would have guessed they shared interests in.
On a Brussels to Amsterdam, an English-speaking Dutch woman and I chat
Breaking the ice (Score:1)
I have to suspect that part of the result comes from both participants having been told what to discuss, to establish common knowledge of what kind of conversation to expect.
Without that, unilaterally deciding to go "deep" with a stranger is violating a social norm (perhaps to a reduced extent if you start by saying "I know it's weird but I think deep conversations are better", but still even then). Which in turn probably makes you seem unpredictable, puts people on edge, and makes them question your moti
Re: Breaking the ice (Score:5, Interesting)
The trick is segwaying into them. You don't just jump out and start talking about biological immortality, the conversation starts organically maybe about research into gene therapy uses for aging but of course this first requires the common ground of knowing the other person is interested in following such research, maybe they are a doctor.
As the other poster pointed, you could talk about sea myths because you are on a ferry.
I personally have always been less ashamed to feel awkward, so I often have many of these in depth conversations with friends. Some examples include discussing sexuality with with my Chinese colleagues (I mention Chinese because I work in China and many such discussions would approach sexual harassment laws in America), discussing religious interpretations with atheists, explaining Kundalini in terms of anatomy as something not mystical but perfectly biological, and much more.
Re: Breaking the ice (Score:5, Funny)
"Segwaying" into them? If you can get a Segway into business class on any domestic flight, I'll be very impressed. Perhaps you meant "segue" ?
I'd note that correcting a stranger's grammar is a very quick way to end such a conversation.
Re: (Score:2)
I was worried I didn't have the proper spelling of this word. Cheers mate.
Re: (Score:2)
The company is ending production of the original 2-wheeled version, so like many English words, the name has been fairly short-lived.
Re: Breaking the ice (Score:5, Interesting)
Some examples include discussing sexuality with with my Chinese colleagues (I mention Chinese because I work in China and many such discussions would approach sexual harassment laws in America), discussing religious interpretations with atheists, explaining Kundalini in terms of anatomy as something not mystical but perfectly biological, and much more.
Yes, I think that the USA is regressing toward a weird sort of sexual apartheid, and it's dangerous to go far beyond "Hello".
Here's one for you speaking of deep conversations that are awkward with Americans, but not with people from other countries. About 9 years ago, I was at an event, a weekend long setup, operation, and teardown of electronic equipment.
I was introduced to an African guy, an engineer from Europe, and we hit it off well. At dinner, he and I were enjoying fried chicken and watermelon (I guess you can see where this is going) We were demolishing it. At one point he noted just how good it was. I started laughing, and he asked me what was funny.
So speaking of deep conversations, I shared with him an in depth explanation of race relations and how some people of African descent in the US are embarrassed to admit liking Fried Chicken and watermelon.
His reply to all that was "But who doesn't like Fried Chicken and Watermelon?" I noted "Very few people, not a favorite of the chickens though." then we went back to demolishing the food.
Weird story, but true.
Re: (Score:2)
Racism is a really complex one but I myself have experienced similar things. In America, I commonly had best friends who were African American but now living here, most of these good friends are actually Africans. They seem to focus more on blatant racism because they can experience this more, though South Africans are a bit different based in the fact it's a more western culture. In general though the rift between African Americans and most Americans is pretty large -- involving many issues of equality wit
Re: (Score:3)
Yes, I think that the USA is regressing toward a weird sort of sexual apartheid, and it's dangerous to go far beyond "Hello".
As some one who has gone from having panic attacks at the thought of socializing with a stranger to some one who has been able to move beyond that and now thoroughly enjoys conversation I get so puzzled over people who feel censored or under attack socially today. The first thing that pops into my head on hearing this is "what on earth are you doing that's upsetting people?" because I don't find what you describe at all.
You then go on to site a completely harmless conversation that I could see myself having
Re: (Score:2)
As some one who has gone from having panic attacks at the thought of socializing with a stranger to some one who has been able to move beyond that and now thoroughly enjoys conversation I get so puzzled over people who feel censored or under attack socially today
A matter of degree. I'm thoroughly socialized. I speak and make presentations to large numbers of people several times monthly. I'm definitely not shy. And it depends on where you are where people can decide that prudence is a smart move. In a University environment, our sexual harassment counselor told us that telling a woman that you liked her earrings was sexual harassment. And that anything any woman considered was sexual harassment was in fact sexual harassment. Somehow, some way, simple conversation
Re: (Score:2)
In a University environment, our sexual harassment counselor told us that telling a woman that you liked her earrings was sexual harassment. And that anything any woman considered was sexual harassment was in fact sexual harassment. Somehow, some way, simple conversation became an expression that you wanted to have sex with her.
I'm not trying to be mean, but that sounds like something an autistic person would say. You understand the literal meaning of what the counselor was saying while entirely missing the point.
I see - you were there and took a different meaning from her saying Telling a woman her earrings look nice is sexual harassment.
There is no absolutely literal meaning that ever was taken from her statement. What her statement meant was: complimenting a woman on any physical aspect is sexual harassment. That you got hung up on an earrings only translation is kinda funny, truth be told.
Accusing me of being autistic, then that? - I have to find it pretty amusing that you, instead of understanding that
Re: (Score:2)
In a University environment, our sexual harassment counselor told us that telling a woman that you liked her earrings was sexual harassment.
I do the extra special long harassment training every other year as required for "manager types" in California and I can assure you that a singular comment about earrings looking nice with no other baggage is not sexual harassment. The trainings literally go out of their way to assure you that life is not that kind of mine field. I am absolutely certain of this as I just did my mandatory training a month ago. Maybe whatever state you live in is some how significantly different than mine but I doubt it.
I just understand that they have a power that can destroy my career. Just as I understand that jumping off a cliff is probably not good for me. So no point in it. It's an utterly simple risk versus reward analysis, and my career is very important to me.
It's
Re: (Score:2)
In a University environment, our sexual harassment counselor told us that telling a woman that you liked her earrings was sexual harassment.
I do the extra special long harassment training every other year as required for "manager types" in California and I can assure you that a singular comment about earrings looking nice with no other baggage is not sexual harassment. The trainings literally go out of their way to assure you that life is not that kind of mine field. I am absolutely certain of this as I just did my mandatory training a month ago. Maybe whatever state you live in is some how significantly different than mine but I doubt it.
If i might give a little background. In the 1980's we had our first sexual harassment counseling and meetings. Although is seems like a comedy movie setup, the indoctrination was planned and executed by none other than the college Women's studies people- this was before the name change to Gender studies.
And it was seriously obvious that these ladies hated men. No other way to put it. They also inflicted a lot of damage. Normal guys just leaned way out and reduced interactions with women at work to the mi
Re: (Score:2)
If i might give a little background.
Well no it doesnt really because you just gave me an anecdotal example which only informs me of your personal experience. In my own personal experience in the 90's my sexual harassment courses were not done by women's studies department's at colleges, they were lower budget versions from the state of what we have now.
Don't mean to be too critical but people citing anecdotal evidence like it's more meaningful then it is is a pet peeve of mine :)
Re: (Score:2)
If i might give a little background.
Well no it doesnt really because you just gave me an anecdotal example which only informs me of your personal experience. In my own personal experience in the 90's my sexual harassment courses were not done by women's studies department's at colleges, they were lower budget versions from the state of what we have now.
Don't mean to be too critical but people citing anecdotal evidence like it's more meaningful then it is is a pet peeve of mine :)
I wasn't givinng you evidence of any sort - As I noted in the first sentence - I was giving you a little background.
You also gave me a little background - which you have to admit, is every bit as anecdotal as mine. I have no issue with people giving some background.
I believe you when you say: " In my own personal experience in the 90's my sexual harassment courses were not done by women's studies department's at colleges, they were lower budget versions from the state of what we have now."in which yo
Re: (Score:2)
I wasn't givinng you evidence of any sort - As I noted in the first sentence - I was giving you a little background.
All I'm reading in that statement is "I wasn't giving evidence of something because I've found a different word to use that in this context seems to mean the same thing" I mean, what was the point of explaining this "background" to me if it wasn't to make some sort of broader point?
You also gave me a little background - which you have to admit, is every bit as anecdotal as mine. I have no issue with people giving some background.
If that's your take from my last post then you missed the point. The point was that experiences vary and I showed that by pointing you to a contrary anecdotal experience. I literally used anecdotal evidence to show why using anec
Re: (Score:2)
Thoroughly aware of all those issues. Never had a problem with black folks because of them and I would never turn down good fried chicken and watermelon. I've eaten both with most ethnicities including black folks with zero negative issues.
As the parent poster pointed out to the African co-worker, just about everyone likes fried chicken and watermelon.
Re: (Score:1)
Anyways, I also tend to agree with skam240. Perhaps you are perceiving situations as more "dangerous" and awkward than they really are, or
Re: (Score:2)
Anyways, I also tend to agree with skam240. Perhaps you are perceiving situations as more "dangerous" and awkward than they really are, or that you are navigating them unskillfully. I don't mean that as a criticism, just to suggest the possibility that there is room to enjoy easier connections with others. All the best!
As a science oriented person, I'm always ready to entertain that I can be wrong.
Depending on one's environment, a person can end up with differing opinions. I'll just note that the academic environment is perhaps a bit toxic for males. But it's where I am.
If I were a one off, I could say it's a data point of one. But many men I work with share my thoughts. As well, the preponderance of female to male enrollment is interesting https://www.independent.co.uk/... [independent.co.uk] It's 60 percent women, 40 percent males in
Re: (Score:1)
1) It sounds like you are concerned with the rise of female power, and with it feminist sexism, in academia (and perhaps society in general). From my perspective on the fringe of academia, I can't disagree with your observations. My sense is that men will have to weather it with grace, like many women did in the 'good ole days,' until the pendulum swings the other way again. Or, maybe humanity will gain the wisdom to transcend sexism, but I'm not holding my breath.
Re: (Score:2)
You raise some interesting topics! 1) It sounds like you are concerned with the rise of female power, and with it feminist sexism, in academia (and perhaps society in general).
Not female power. All women should do whatever it is they want to do.
Now feminist sexism on the other hand - Well, if male sexism is bad - then it seems a little odd that misandry is not bad.
From my perspective on the fringe of academia, I can't disagree with your observations. My sense is that men will have to weather it with grace, like many women did in the 'good ole days,' until the pendulum swings the other way again.
Weathering it with grace requires two things from men. Either being submissive, or leaving women to themselves.
And I don't know any women who like submissive men and especially the so called emotionally open men man that most claim they want.
I do know one marriage where the guy turned out to be very emotional a
Re: (Score:1)
Re: (Score:3)
I love exactly this in the edge surfing, starting occasional conversation with the stranger of interest. They rarely back-off, quite often we either exchange interesting things to know neutrally, or establish intimate bond, yet temporary and light to depart from. That's utmost beauty of occasional communication.
Given example topics of "deep conversation" surprised me, being superficial and shallow. I would prefer something simpler, but possible to discuss in more sincere and natural manner, which would be d
Re:Breaking the ice (Score:5, Interesting)
Without that, unilaterally deciding to go "deep" with a stranger is violating a social norm (perhaps to a reduced extent if you start by saying "I know it's weird but I think deep conversations are better", but still even then). Which in turn probably makes you seem unpredictable, puts people on edge, and makes them question your motives.
We have changed over the years, and the proper social norm today is to not speak to strangers at all.
Late 90's, I was on a redeye flight from coast to coast. A woman was in the seat beside me, and what was normally an annoying trip became a joy as we chatted almost the entire 6 hour flight.
In 2021 USA, and our present social structure, I would avoid any conversation whatsoever.
SOME people do (Score:2)
Shut up.
Re: (Score:1)
No. PEOPLE do.
No idea what ruined you.
Pick-up gold (Score:2)
Re: (Score:2, Interesting)
And this is how a psychopath approaches getting a date.
I don't know who you learned from, but they forgot to tell you that if you do it this way, you're not gonna look like a hot date but like somebody who *acts* like he wants to *look* like he's a hot date.
And just about every woman with more than half a brain (aka every woman you actually want) will not only be able to tell, but find it very creepy (cause fake) too.
Don't do it. Be it.
Then you don't have to think about how you "play" the "act". And you don
Re: (Score:2)
You're making an assumption there.
Yeah, it's half the joy of a good date (Score:2)
Add sexual attraction, and you got a deal.
Re: (Score:2)
On a date? How do they talk with their mouth full?
Re: Yeah, it's half the joy of a good date (Score:2)
Re: (Score:2)
I never really got that. What's the big deal? By the time that becomes an issue, I couldn't already care less.
Re: (Score:2)
Can't spend mod point right now, but I agree with you on "depth" of examples, they are creepy.
How to strike a convo with a stranger in a study (Score:3)
"Hey hi! So what did they tell YOU to say?"
Self-selection problem (Score:1)
The act of choosing to take part in the survey is a selection on the same factor the survey intends to measure.
Like "How comfortable do you feel about taking written surveys?" Turns out very few answered "I always refuse".
Re: (Score:1)
gacattac observed:
The act of choosing to take part in the survey is a selection on the same factor the survey intends to measure.
Like "How comfortable do you feel about taking written surveys?" Turns out very few answered "I always refuse".
These were academic studies, so the study subjects undoubtedly were college students taking Psych 101. In every such class, participating in experiments is an academic requirement - refuse to participate, and you will fail the class, test scores notwithstanding.
Note that you don't have to participate in any particular experiment - you could decline to be part of one of these, for instance, but you must participate in one or two (the requisite number varies, depending on the school) experi
Not many opportunities (Score:2)
Not many good opportunities for this. But joining camping and 4wd clubs, you might get a few conversations around the campfire. A pity we live in our modern world where we are kind of cut off from society, and twitter is the exact opposite of deep and meaningful.
Slashexposition. (Score:2)
Ah yes. I look forward towards "deep" posts from Slashdotters. We'll be the best of buds in no time.
Re: (Score:2)
Re: (Score:2)
You should know that my team is blue, and if your team is a different color, we're going to have nothing to talk about.
I only talk to people with beliefs in the 380nm to 500nm range.
That explains a lot (Score:1)
Why wouldn't they? (Score:3)
Superficial conversations are usually quite scripted and therefore tedious. They might be polite but they are not by definition engaging.
The reason for that of course is having a 'deep conversation' with someone you know like a co-worker is risky you might find each other philosophies quite objectionable if you really explore a topic. So its always small talk. How's the new car, so glad to hear Timmy won his baseball game, blah blah..
A conversation about just about anything with some blokes at the bar is way more entertaining. You can actually have an interesting debate, where either side might learn something or be moved in some way- but the stakes can stay low - if you all find you can't get along you down you beer toss tener onto the bar top, excuse yourself and walk away.
Re: (Score:2)
.
And this here is the tragedy of the web and most political discourse as crystalline as anything.
One of the absolute joys of the early web was the seething tide of humanity on display, and interacting with that in an unfiltered way.
And now, as much a reflection of society, the web is largely locked down and corporatized, especially if you entertain modes of thought just as flights of fancy.
Oh the irony for one of the greatest communi
Psychological Association? (Score:2)
Would "a group of people who ask people to have deep conversations with strangers" describe members of said association?
(OK, it's psychologists, not psychiatrists; the same applies to the latter, with the rider "for money".)
I lived in tokyo. (Score:2)
It's incredible how interesting it is to get a completely different perspective by talking to people who you will never meet again.
I dont remember the persons but I remember the stories...
Omegle has known this for years (Score:1)
This is one of the most appealing parts of Omegle, is getting into conversations like this with people. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't the dudes jerking off on camera, instead it's deep conversations with a stranger that makes Omegle special and what keeps people coming back.
You hear that dudes jerking off on Omegle?! Find somewhere else to jerk off!
Re: (Score:2)
I love conversations with strangers (Score:5, Interesting)
Striking up a random conversation with a stranger is usually fun for me. Even if I disagree with something said, it is still interesting to see someone's perspective on something.
I work in a grocery store and am on the sales floor quite a bit. While most customers are in a hurry, many are not. Having been doing this for to long, I'm not bashful about saying good morning to everyone and asking people if they need any help. Often times, people will make a random remark about something and this is usually where you get these interesting, fun conversations.
I find the older the person is, the more likely you can start a conversation with them. In fact, the seniors are by far the best people to have random conversations with. Young people are definitely the most standoff-ish about talking to strangers unless they have face to face customer service experience. I chalk this up to life experience and personal confidence, as well as not being so worried about what other people think.
If you aren't scared of someone not liking you, striking up conversations with people is a blast and most the time, everyone leaves feeling better then before. If someone does not like you, that is their loss.
Nonsense (Score:1)
This is an example of why most psyche studies cannot be reproduced. Most strangers don't give 2 f's about you, maybe even less. Ok, under certain unusual circumstances they might be interested, but if you believe this, try your own experiments.
Re: (Score:2)
Over the years flying I have met some fascinating people, a few famous and many completely random. I think Sylvia Earle was the most interesting. Chatted with Jack Dorsey a little, but he was too focused on work, it was the early days of Twitter. I am introverted, but if there is anything I can think to say to someone to humanize them when flying I will try. Sometimes you end up talking for hours, sometimes it fizzles. Sometimes people offer you jobs, sometimes you end up hiring someone, but in general you
wow you needed a "study" for that? (Score:1)
maybe just try a little self-introspection instead.
Beneficial (Score:1)
"Educated... (Score:1)