New US Atomic Clock Goes Live 127
PaisteUser (810863) writes with news about a new, hyper-accurate atomic clock unveiled by the National Institute of Standards and Technology. "A new atomic clock, so accurate it will lose or gain only one second every 300 million years, was unveiled Thursday by the National Institute of Standards and Technology, a branch of the U.S. Department of Commerce. The NIST-F2 had been in development for about a decade and is three times more accurate than the F1, which has been in use since 1999. The institute will continue operating both clocks for now at its campus in Boulder, Colorado."
Ah another seemingly benign NIST approved standard (Score:4, Funny)
so the new clock is 3x as accurate as the old one? (Score:5, Funny)
Well, it's important to me to be accurate within one second every three hundred million years!
Not sure how I'd manage if my time was only accurate to one second in ONE hundred million years....
Re:How, exactly, do we know? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Ah another seemingly benign NIST approved stand (Score:5, Funny)
Is the new clock metric, or the old English units of measure?
A man with one atomic clock knows what time it is. (Score:5, Funny)
A man with two atomic clocks is never sure.
Re:so the new clock is 3x as accurate as the old o (Score:2, Funny)
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of timekeeping industry in this country. The Naval Institute was the time to keep. Then the other guy came out with accuracy of 1 part per few billion. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Atomic fucking clock. That's A for both atomic and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to went all nuclear on us. They've introduced accuracy of 1 second in 300 million years. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling 1 part per few billion and a fucking strip. Accuracy or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to 500 million.
Sure, we could go to 400 million next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the time-keeping game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Navy is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If accuracy of one second in 100 million years is good, and one in three million is better, obviously one in five million would make us the best fucking time keeping machine that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the clock making game by clinging to the pendulum industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, one in 500 million is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two hundred million years in there. I don't care how. Make the atoms so small they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the last 100 million years in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
You're taking the "safety" part of "nuclear safety" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make time keeping history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that one second in five hundred million years can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the one second in 500 million years becomes the standard in the U.S. of "this is how tell time from now on" A.
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Casio, working on fucking electrics. Wrist watches, my white ass!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in CERN's wake and make particle accelerators. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like CERN is the day I leave the atomic clock game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, telling time with anything less than 0.000000% accuracy is like trying to tell time from vcr display after a power outage" Or "Sure you'll still be late, but now you know exactly how late"
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which we are, always have been, and forever shall be, Amen. 1 second / 500 million years - sweet Jesus in heaven.
Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another ntp s