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Ask Slashdot: Geekiest Way To Cook a Turkey? 447

First time accepted submitter almostadnsguy writes "There seem to be a lot of ways to cook a turkey the geekiest ones are probably out of the realm of possibility for normal geeks. However, Within the limits of normal society (or outside if you wish) what is the geekiest way to do it? Do you use a special brine, cook it in an inventive way, or raise genetically modified turkeys with extra legs?"
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Ask Slashdot: Geekiest Way To Cook a Turkey?

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  • by tool462 ( 677306 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:51PM (#42062095)

    I would share my method, but it only works for a spherical turkey in a vacuum.

    • Would you at least tell us for the degenerate case of a point turkey in said vacuum and 0 gravity?

    • Very nice, but my method involves lasers and high explosives.

    • Encase in 1 ton of copper, dump LHC beams and turkey gets cooked by molten copper. Exceedingly rapid but has the disadvantage that apart from the difficulty in extracting the turkey from the copper it will also be slightly radioactive due to the activation by the beams.
    • by AK Marc ( 707885 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @11:22PM (#42063295)
      Frictionless spherical turkey. Cook it with blackbody radiation from a heat source. I tried using the friction from a hamster wheel to generate the heat, but the damn frictionless hamster wheel wouldn't generate enough heat. But once they ran fast enough, the hamsters would burst into flames and cook the turkey.
    • by msauve ( 701917 )
      Be sure to store your leftovers in a Klein bottle.
  • I don’t do anything geeky with the Christmas dinner (I’m Canadian, it’s our next turkey day). Wouldn’t even occur to me to try. I can’t even think of anything one could do that would qualify as geeky, but then I lack creativity.

    I have a really nifty electric carving knife but that’s about it.

  • Sagan Nailed it (Score:5, Insightful)

    by skyggen ( 888902 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:52PM (#42062103)
    The geekest turkey recipe first starts with creating the Universe.
    • by mark-t ( 151149 )
      That's not geeky. That's just from scratch. Some geeks might find doing thing scratch fun, but if that were a universal trait, I dare suggest that the sales of microwaveable Kraft Dinner would probably not be as good as they are.
    • by blade8086 ( 183911 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @10:37PM (#42062999)

      1 In the beginning God created the turkey and the cavity.

      2 And the cavity was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

      3 And God said, Let there be the oven on: and there was the oven on.

      4 And God saw the oven on, that it was good: and God divided the oven from the kitchen.

      5 And God called the oven Day, and the kitchen he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

      6 And God said, Let there be a stuffing in the midst of the breadcrumbs, and let it divide the breadcrumbs from the breadcrumbs.

      7 And God made the stuffing, and divided the breadcrumbs which were under the stuffing from the breadcrumbs which were above the stuffing: and it was so.

      8 And God called the stuffing Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

      9 And God said, Let the breadcrumbs under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the cranberries appear: and it was so.

      10 And God called the cranberries Earth; and the gathering together of the breadcrumbs called he Side dishes: and God saw that it was good.

      11 And God said, Let the cranberries bring forth relish, the herb yielding asparagus, and the fruit tree yielding pie after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

      12 And the stuffing brought forth relish, and herb yielding asparagus after his kind, and the tree yielding pie, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

      13 And the evening and the morning were the leftovers.

  • by australopithecus ( 215774 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:55PM (#42062131)
    Gather ten of your friends, remove all of your glasses, concentrate the rays of the sun, creating a spectacle oven. Voila.
  • Let Mom do it... (Score:5, Insightful)

    by H0p313ss ( 811249 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:55PM (#42062141)

    Really? What self respecting geek doesn't go home to be pampered by Mom?

  • I have one with a cable that goes out the oven door. It works great but I'd love a wireless one if someone can make heat tolerant electronics.
  • by retroworks ( 652802 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:57PM (#42062155) Homepage Journal
    Put it in the freezer, thaw and eat by yourself on Thursday, watching re-runs of Star Trek?
  • Bitcoins of course! (Score:5, Informative)

    by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @08:58PM (#42062167)
    This being slashdot, the correct answer is mine BitCoins. Place turkey in GPU exhaust, wait until golden brown, serve.
  • by Lord Lode ( 1290856 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:03PM (#42062223)

    Take the turkey.
    Pour a bit of the vodka on it.
    Drink a bit of the remaining vodka.
    Prepare to put the turkey in the oven.
    Pour some more vodka on it.
    Sip some more of the remaininng vodka.
    Put the burkey in the oben.
    Taek anohter brink of the vokda.
    Tuern om the onev at 200 degrees.
    Whihle waithtng for durkey the to beacome reday, fiinsh the rest of the btotle.
    Remuove teh rurheyk orfm eht oaven.
    Clal am aumbuleance to treat yoru bruns.

    • by c0lo ( 1497653 )

      Take the turkey. Pour a bit of the vodka on it. Drink a bit of the remaining vodka. Prepare to put the turkey in the oven. Pour some more vodka on it. Sip some more of the remaininng vodka. Put the burkey in the oben. Taek anohter brink of the vokda. Tuern om the onev at 200 degrees. Whihle waithtng for durkey the to beacome reday, fiinsh the rest of the btotle. Remuove teh rurheyk orfm eht oaven. Clal am aumbuleance to treat yoru bruns.

      I count at least two steps involving a terrible waste of vodka for no good reasons.
      Why do people feel the need to sin on festive occasions??

  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:03PM (#42062225)

    At least that's how I'd do it

  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:04PM (#42062241)

    I don't get it.

    Are you cooking the turkey to eat it? Because if you are, there's only a handful of time tested methods to do so (in the oven, on the BBQ, sometimes deep-fried in a giant vat of cooking oil or grease). I've watched a lot of cooking shows on TV and I'm by no means an "expert" on this stuff, but every time I see someone working with turkey the formula is always the same- apply heat until cooked, add something else, then consume.

    So I'm really not sure what "within the limits of normal society (or outside if you wish)" means. Are you looking for an answer like "I hoist my turkeys 200ft into the air, then shoot at them with improvised rifles fashioned from recycled microwave magnetrons and a focusing coil/antenna I built in my garage"? Or are you looking for an advanced culinary technique that few people use, but can otherwise yield amazing results? That "or outside if you wish" really gets me, because I'm sure there's a civilization somewhere out there in space who cooks their turkeys by loading them into a trebuchet, setting them on fire, then launching them into a volcano where a lone volunteer must venture to retrieve the cooked bird after a set amount of time as some sort of ritual/right of passage. That's outside normal society, right?

    I'm trying really hard not to say "just fucking google it", but that's the best advice I can offer. Just. Fucking. Google. It. I'm not even sure why you think most Slashdot folks would know how to cook a turkey- unless you want them to venture out of the basement and go ask their moms.

    • by shaitand ( 626655 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @10:01PM (#42062745) Journal

      "Or are you looking for an advanced culinary technique that few people use"

      I'd guess this. Food geekery is a valid form of geekery in itself. But you are right, it's a damn turkey.

      I guess if I were really going to geek out I'd have to start with a brine Alton Brown style. Then I'd have to Sous Vide the turkey. Most people think you need a machine to do this but you can use a large pot and a candy thermometer to Sous Vide. Sous Vide is just a water bath and will get the entire turkey, dark and white, thin and thick, to exactly the correct and uniform temperature. For those not familiar you actually vac seal the food in Sous Vide so there is no exchange between the food and water, just heat.

      Shortly before serving I'd heat peanut oil and cook three pounds of bacon pieces. Then I'd put the still hot turkey into the hot oil for a short time, not to cook it further but merely to brown and crisp up the skin.

      • by adolf ( 21054 )

        Shortly before serving I'd heat peanut oil and cook three pounds of bacon pieces. Then I'd put the still hot turkey into the hot oil for a short time, not to cook it further but merely to brown and crisp up the skin.

        I want to watch you try to brown a whole proper Thanksgiving turkey in a few fluid ounces of pork fat. I want to do this so badly that I am willing to pay you to watch your attempt.

        Where do I sign up?

    • by EdwinFreed ( 1084059 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @10:51PM (#42063119)
      Someone else mentioned sous vide cooking - there are a bunch of sous vide turkey recipes. Another is smoking. I sometimes serve a smoked turkey with a pecan sauce. Very nice combination. If I'm going all out there are pastry-enclosed cinnamon apples with a dab of whipped cream infused with Earl Gray tea for dessert.

      But the geekiest turkey I ever made was from a recipe I saw on TV (which I just looked for but cannot find). The stuffing had over 10 ingredients, which of course took a long time to do. Once the bird is stuffed, you make up a paste of turmeric and some other stuff and slather it all over. Put it in the oven at 500 degrees, wait for the paste to dry, then apply more paste. Keep doing this until the bird is completely enclosed in a thick hard layer. Then let it cook until it's completely black. You then crack it open and serve. The result was excellent, but was way too much trouble to do again.
  • Mom! HEY MOM! Bring me some turkey down here! MOM!!!!!

  • Does a pretty good job on the turkey but totally fucks up the stuffing.

  • Wrap your turkey in C-4 and implode the turkey. The geeky part is getting a perfect implosion so shaping the explosives will take some computer modeling and getting the right detonators is tricky to achieve implosion.
  • Chemistry (Score:2, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward

    Cooking involves complex chemistry and physics. Learning to cook consistently good food is a very difficult, geeky achievement.

  • by wierd_w ( 1375923 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:13PM (#42062325)

    I can't vouch for the edibility of the finished product, but....

    Take 1 frozen turkey, and remove plastic wrapping.

    Place on a ceramic or glass pedistal.

    Plug in your 5000v induction heater [wikipedia.org] charge controller.

    Wrap a coil of 10 gauge or thicker copper wire around a large stockpot to a height suitable for the intended purpose. Remove from stockpot, and attach coil to the charge controller.

    Carefully lower the coil over and around the frozen turkey, taking care to assure that the coil does not short, and does not touch the turkey.

    Turn the charge controller on, and observe carefully. A mysterious orange glow eminating from the frozen turkey is normal. It may be necessary to throttle back the voltage of the induction coil to avoid incineration of the turkey. Using a frozen turkey improves chances of first time success.

    Keep children, pets, and the elderly away from the induction heater at all times, and always wear appropriate protective clothing and safety goggles.

    • I am missing something here. Induction heats metal so it’s great for getting a fry pan hot in a hurry. But unless the Turkey is made out of metal, I don’t see much happening here.

      • Re: (Score:2, Flamebait)

        by wierd_w ( 1375923 )

        A common misconception. You an induction heat a solid block of ice.

        http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=aLwaPP9cxT4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DaLwaPP9cxT4 [youtube.com]

        That turkey is science's bitch.

  • I thought turkeys could fly..........

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg [youtube.com]

    • I'm not sure what is the current champion, but probably the most infamous ones were the Prescott P4 and the Nvidia Geforce 5800 AKA Dustbuster
  • by titanium93 ( 839011 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:14PM (#42062337)
    Walk over to the replicator and say "White meat Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes w/gravy & gelled cranberry sauce" Oh and 'Earl Grey Tea please'
  • I've learned two big things over the years, both from Alton Brown, the geek god of cooking:

    - A brine beats injections. I used to inject, now I brine. I don't use his brine recipe though. Mine has the usual salt and sugar, but I also use broth, some apple juice, a cayenne-based pepper sauce (Frank's, Louisiana, etc.), butter and herbs (mostly sage of course). I warm it enough to dissolve everything and get the flavors mingling, chill it, and brine the turkey fully submerged, breast-down overnight. I'm a

    • he is the best -his road trip show and his mc ing of Iron Chef are both great and he has written some really scientific cookbooks:



      the second one gets into the the tricky art of baking, where due to chemistry and physics it really does matter what your ingredient ratios, temp, etc are

      -I'm just sayin'
    • You want geeky? Try frying a turkey with Alton Brown's Turkey Frying Derrick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KwGs-Lism4 [youtube.com] (see about the 13 minute mark)

  • Strapped to a ship's radar, or with C4.
  • NASA has it covered (Score:4, Informative)

    by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:27PM (#42062425)

    If these aren't the geekiest ways to cook a a turkey, I don't know what is:

  • May have to do it a number of times. I once did something like this on a ocean liner back in 1970s with an apple. It was at nighttime and being a teenager I found the whole vessel activities boring. Spent a lot of time outside on the deck, the portion above the bridge and above that was the antenna mast with a rotating dish (classic oval about 5 ft wide). I threw the apple into its beam and (I didn't catch it, hit the floor) when retrieved it was warm. Was going to do it again but some passenger stopped me.

  • Microwave it. You only get geek points for this if you actually understand how your microwave oven works, at a very detailed level both in theory and in hardware. Super bonus points if you microwave your turkey from across the yard using a magnetron and parabolic reflector.
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goWuvXz1qC4 [youtube.com]

    Yes, they cook a turkey with flashlights in 2.5 hours. 6 flashlights. (not Fleshlights!).


  • by poity ( 465672 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:35PM (#42062499)

    Because I imagine "geeky" can mean much more than that. A history buff who researches the traditional cooking methods and ingredients used by the pilgrims, and then sets out to replicate it with a wild turkey that he shoots and cleans would be doing it in a geeky way. A gardening buff who dries his own herbs and spices, and makes his stuffing from scratch with the leftover rosemary bread he baked last week would be doing it in a geeky way. And, of course, the science buff who levitates his turkey with magnets and blasts it with a high powered directed energy canon (dialed down for juiciness) would also be doing it in a geeky way.

    Honestly though I'd rather prefer the garden geek's turkey, though it may be too late to plant your herbs now.

  • Set your phaser to just below "heat a rock". Shouldn't take that long. Skin comes out really crispy, too.
  • Nvidia GPU...
  • Turducken....

  • Fully cooked in about 2 seconds.
  • by dlmarti ( 7677 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:42PM (#42062575) Homepage
    This beats all.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjrI91J6jOw [youtube.com]
  • by tehniobium ( 1042240 ) <lukasNO@SPAMimf.au.dk> on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:43PM (#42062581)

    Vi Hart (previously featured on /.) has posted a geeky turkey video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjrI91J6jOwm [youtube.com], which I found rather amusing!

  • OT (Score:3, Interesting)

    by Alien Being ( 18488 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:49PM (#42062637)

    Now you may all ask yourself what any of this has to do with turkey, and you'd be right for asking. I wish there was a simple answer but, friends, it ain't simple. It's Thanksgiving.

    Alice's Restaurant
    By Arlo Guthrie

    This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
    restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
    that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's

    You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
    You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
    Walk right in it's around the back
    Just a half a mile from the railroad track
    You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

    Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
    Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
    restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
    church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
    Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
    room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
    seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
    have to take out their garbage for a long time.

    We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
    a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
    we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
    microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
    on toward the city dump.

    Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
    dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
    closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
    into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

    We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
    side road there was a fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
    cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
    is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
    decided to throw ours down.

    That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
    dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
    next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
    we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
    garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
    I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
    under that garbage."

    After speaking to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the telephone we
    finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
    and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
    police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
    shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
    police officer's station.

    Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
    the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
    being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
    we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
    and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
    which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
    there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
    both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
    can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
    Get in the back of the patrol car."

    And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
    quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
    Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this happened here, they got three stop

  • by Shag ( 3737 )

    I'm sure a co-worker's method of cooking other meats [dolphinbayhilo.com] could be adapted to a turkey...

  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:56PM (#42062703)

    As bored biomed-technicians in a USAF hospital, we found that on Thanksgiving, we had only frozen turkeys, as no-one had seen the need to thaw them (sigh).

    Well, realizing we could reprogram a Steris steam-sterilizer to reach 300 degrees Farenheit, we cooked the turkeys in a sterilizer.

    The most juicy, moist (soggy) turkey you will have ever tasted, and it takes about 90 minutes to cook *FROM FROZEN*

  • by grnbrg ( 140964 ) <slashdotNO@SPAMgrnbrg.org> on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @09:59PM (#42062727)

    The first method came about from reading that one of the reasons that it is recommended that stuffing not be cooked in the turkey is that if the stuffing is cooked to a safe temperature, the meat is badly overcooked. My solution to this? Cook the turkey (following the usual oven method) with a heat exchanger to help cook the stuffing from the inside. 8 inches of 1" copper pipe, capped at both ends and 10 feet or so of 1/4" copper tubing tightly coiled into a 2-3" coil, and soldered into holes in one of the caps on the larger pipe, and the whole thing filled with water.

    The large pipe was inside the turkey, the coil outside and exposed to the ambient oven temperature. The idea was that the oven would heat the water in the coil, and convection would circulate it into the turkey, cooking the stuffing from the inside. It seemed to actually work, too. The downside is the risk that one of the solder joints would fail after the water had heated up to ~300+ F. While that didn't happen the one time I tried it, the risk lead to the device forever after being referred to as "The Turkey Rocket". PS: Don't try this for your first dinner where you're inviting your parents and your girlfriends parents over. You might not survive. :)

    Method #2 is a more recent method -- Sous vide cooking. You can't do a whole turkey, and skin of any kind is a bit of a lost cause, but skinless turkey breasts or drumsticks cooked at ~140F for 10 to 12 hours are amazing. More moist and tender than brined, and no risk of being too salty. And with wires everywhere, and an electronically controlled thermometer and heater, cooking doesn't get any geekier.


    PS: If you're oven cooking, look up brining. It's easy, and makes a huge difference.

  • by TheGratefulNet ( 143330 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @10:17PM (#42062865)

    some preprocessing:

    - download latest linux kernel source
    - make [x]config

    then in parallel:

    - make bzImage modules install
    - drive to boston market and buy a cooked turkey

    when you return from the long take-out line at the restaurant, the kernel build will probably be done.

    then, in parallel:

    - reboot to new kernel
    - consume turkey and its various 'modules'

  • I'm pretty sure... (Score:4, Informative)

    by twistedsymphony ( 956982 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @10:30PM (#42062947) Homepage
    this is the geekiest way to cook a turkey [youtube.com]

    There are also geeky ways to prepare the whole thanksgiving dinner
  • by loose electron ( 699583 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @11:15PM (#42063249) Homepage

    Nobody has ever used a Solar Oven before?

    http://www.amazon.com/Sun-Oven-GLOBAL-SUN-OVEN/dp/B00286KQ1W [amazon.com]

    Might need 2 days to get it done.

  • by martinX ( 672498 ) on Wednesday November 21, 2012 @11:53PM (#42063475)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40 [youtube.com]

    William Shatner & State Farm® present "Eat, Fry, Love," a turkey fryer fire cautionary tale

  • by okmijnuhb ( 575581 ) on Thursday November 22, 2012 @12:15AM (#42063579)
    Get a Weber Smokey Mountain BBQ Smoker or equivalent to smoke the turkey. That's not the geeky part.
    Add an ATC (automatic temperature control). This will allow you to set it for precise, unattended low and slow cooking.
    Better still, get one with wifi and an internet server like the Stoker Power Draft from rocksbarbque.com. (no affiliation, but I do own one).
    You can check and adjust your meat and fire temperatures from inside your home on wifi or remotely via the internet on your smartphone or computer.
    It can even email you, or serve twitter updates. Run it with dyndns.org, and give your buddies a simple URL to monitor your cook as well.
    Then install Stokerlog to your system, so that you can graph meat and fire temperatures and share temperature graphs with your geeky buddies on the bbq forums.
    Use a digital camera and take pictures of the smoke ring (smoke penetration) on a slice of meat. Share it on your favorite photo sharing site.
    Lastly, get farkles like an instant read thermometer, (I like the Thermapen), and measure the precise temperature of the meat everywhere on the bird.
    The satisfaction, apart from the eating, is taking a stone age process; barbeque; and bringing it into the internet age.
    I don't know if you could get geekier than that...
  • by Reeses ( 5069 ) on Thursday November 22, 2012 @01:12AM (#42063849)

    First you get a beowulf cluster of turkeys.

    Then you place a naked and petrified Natalie Portman above the turkeys, and you pour hot grits all over her, letting the grits fall on the turkeys, slow cooking them with their transferred heat.

    If you find the turkey's aren't cooking fast enough, you add the sonic energy from screaming, "OMG ponies!" to the process, hopefully speeding it up an uncountable number of femtoseconds.

    When Netcraft confirms that all other forms of turkey cooking are dying, you dispense the entire Beowulf cluster of turkeys into a series of (feeding) tubes.

    Before eating, you praise technology by reading the latest F*cking Article on Slashdot, and ban any insensitive clods to the neighbors.

    Then you eat the turkeys before they can move to Soviet Russia and eat you.

"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one." -- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN