Dark Matter Filament Finally Found 190
An anonymous reader writes "Everyone is talking about the recent Higgs boson announcement by the scientists at CERN, but another significant scientific discovery was revealed this week as well. In a study published online in the journal Nature on Wednesday, scientists show that they have successfully found the first dark matter filament."
Futurama fans already know... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:so .. (Score:4, Funny)
so .. what colour are they ?
African American.
These people are just not up on the classics. (Score:5, Funny)
Dark Matter was proven decades ago as this following article demonstrates.
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark
right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a
much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker
and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored.
Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
Re:These people are just not up on the classics. (Score:5, Funny)
I don't know if I believe you about the dark suckers, but I know how to prove that Dark Matter exists - just redirect one of the mars probes to go visit this dark matter filament and bring back a sample. The Curiosity Rover already has a drill, which would aid in extracting the matter. It should be a simple matter of stellar mathematics (provided that we're willing to wait a bit longer) to set it on a course to the filament. On the way there the rover can be reprogrammed to autonomously land and extract the matter. Since it will be a bit further from Earth than it was designed for, it might be out of radio contact so it will have to be self sufficient.
Easy-peasy, in a "few" years we could be examining samples from this dark filament here on earth.
Easy, the sampled it (Score:5, Funny)
And it turned out that it was made of what we long suspected the mising mass of the universe wa composed of: AOL discs.
Re:Futurama fans already know... (Score:5, Funny)
Did you mean "poop"-culture?
Re:Futurama fans already know... (Score:5, Funny)
Did you mean "poop"-culture?
What a shitty post.
Re:Up next (Score:5, Funny)
Dark suckers. [msu.edu]
Our Universe Makes My Brain Hurt (Score:5, Funny)
Good for them (Score:4, Funny)
Now maybe they can help me find my keys.
Re:bleh (Score:5, Funny)
first post
Dark post; doesn't matter.
Re:so .. (Score:5, Funny)
"African American."
Umm... I'm not so sure such "dark" humor is quite appropriate.
Re:well that article sucks (Score:4, Funny)
Volkwagon? VOLKSWAGON?! REAL scientists use police telephone boxes to travel intergalactic distances! Everyone knows that! Only wizards and mad scientists fly by car.
Re:How do they know it's dark matter? (Score:3, Funny)
Astronomy is a somewhat shaky field - all theories are fundamentally untestable - all you can do is look out at the universe and try to find phenomena that seem to support or counter theory, but in doing so you're making numerous assumptions about what exactly you're looking at to begin with, and assuming it behaves in a manner consistent with other widely accepted but still fundamentally untestable theories. Now that technique is surprisingly effective, but it is vulnerable to flaws in analysis, especially when much analysis is based on something that is known to be inaccurate (Newtonian gravity) because the alternative is too computationally expensive to use.
Makes me feel better about studying Economics
Dark Matter Filament (Score:4, Funny)
Is it something like that thing in Star Trek Generations ?