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So You Think Physics is Funny? 926

mzs writes "I just found this article in PhysicsWorld by Robert P. Crease detailing some of the 'better' physics jokes that readers sent him in response to an earlier article. Read about why the elements of magnetic flux are hard to understand or about the sexual adventures of Alice and Bob in a bar. Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field. I will close with this gem from the article: 'What's new?' 'E over h.'"
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So You Think Physics is Funny?

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  • Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)

    by Neil Blender ( 555885 ) <> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:08PM (#7641411)
    Just not 'ha, ha' funny.
    • You just need to be faster than the speed of light in order to read the webpage. Slashdotting seems to defy all laws of physics!
    • by liquidpele ( 663430 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:37PM (#7641792) Journal

      ok, here ya go...

      Three Graduates are peeing in a bathroom.

      The UGA graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at UGA, they teach us to be clean".

      The Clemson graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at clemson they teach us how conserve resources".

      The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
      • by metlin ( 258108 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:48PM (#7642755) Journal
        Dude, at Tech we don't even get the time to piss, let alone piss on our hands.

        (disgruntled Tech student holding his pee)
      • by ceo ( 6176 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:19PM (#7643099)
        I've heard that one with Harvard and Yale students in place of UGA and GA Tech, and the third being a Princeton student who walks in, washes his hands and the goes to the urinal, saying "At Princeton, they teach us to wash our hands before handling a sacred object."
        • Re:Funny? Yes. (Score:4, Insightful)

          by Froze ( 398171 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:14PM (#7644405)
          while this is a humorous twist to an old joke, there is an element of truth here. Next you happen to use the bathroom with an experimental chemist, observe the first thing that they do is wash their hands. Becuase the last thing you want is something like highly concentrated acids|bases|toxic wastes doing their worst on the family jewels.
      • by YrWrstNtmr ( 564987 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:16PM (#7644416)
        The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".

        "And at the Air Force Academy, we didn't have to be taught not to pee on our hands."

        (Originally heard with Army, Navy, Marine, and USAF graduates)
      • by KaosConMan ( 579641 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:35PM (#7644549)
        A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
        One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
        In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
        "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
        "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
        "There's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused.
        "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
        "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
        "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
        "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
        Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
        "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
        After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
        While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
        "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
        "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
        Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
        No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
        "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
        When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
        "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
        He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean??" he replied, "? I can check from here?"
      • by fldvm ( 466714 ) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @01:21PM (#7648172) Homepage
        Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start gettinging a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodleing. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it.

        The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"

        "Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."

  • by rsilverman ( 266807 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641448)

    Q: What's purple and commutes?

    A: An Abelian grape.
  • by jdh-22 ( 636684 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641449)

    Wanted Dead or Alive.

  • Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641455)
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
  • Okay... (Score:5, Funny)

    by American AC in Paris ( 230456 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641460) Homepage
    Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field.

    Q: What did the webserver say to Slashdot?
    A: HRRRRRNNNnnnnnnghhhh......

    • 2 + 2 (Score:5, Funny)

      by QEDog ( 610238 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:03PM (#7642921)
      So the teacher assigns to Ada, Bob, Charles and Danna to go home and figure out what is 2 + 2.
      Ada, the daughter of a mathematitian, asks her dad. He responds: "Well, 1 + 1 = 2. 2+ 1 = 3. 3 + 1= 4, but it can be rewritten as 2 + 2, so 2 + 2 = 4"
      Bob asks his mom, who is an engineer. She takes out her HP calculator, punches in RPN the appropiate keys, and announces: "It is 4.000000000000"
      Charles asks his dad, the phycisist, and he responds: "Well, it is about pi on a zeroth order calculation"
      Finally, Danna ask his dad, who is an accountant: "Dad, how much is 2 + 2?" And he responds: "How much do you want it to be?"
    • by umofomia ( 639418 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:22PM (#7643124) Journal
      This joke was told by one of the subway conductors on the Green Line of the Boston T. He's quite a character. I'll try to retell it as best I can.

      "I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her."

      *Groans elicted from the crowd*

      "Hey, what do you expect? I'm a conductor."

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641468)
    The best physics humour ever
    Points of View: December 2003

    Robert P Crease selects the funniest jokes about physics and physicists from his readers' poll

    Three months ago I asked readers of Physics World to contribute samples of new physics jokes, fresh forms of physics wit, or cases of "found humour" in physics (see "So you think physics is funny?"). I received about 200 replies, including jokes in several languages, stories, Photoshop creations, video clips and links to science cartoon databases.

    I was also contacted by a representative of BBC Radio Five Live, who claimed to be interested in having me talk about physics humour late one night. My subsequent negative experience - I hope nobody was awake to hear it - illustrates an important lesson about science humour.

    Outsiders don't get it
    When I was first hooked up, the show's host Dotun Adebayo was finishing a segment on dirty bombs, treating the expert being interviewed with deference and respect. When that concluded, he said something like: "And now for something completely different!" That should have alerted me that I was bring set up.

    Adebayo retold some jokes from my column in Physics World - accompanied by a conspicuously too-loud laugh track - then asked me to explain the jokes. Stupidly, I complied. Too late, it dawned on me that while some aspects of science, such as safety and health, are sacred to outsiders, other parts are simply targets for ridicule. Professional humour is one. The point of the programme was to laugh, not at jokes, but at physicists for their supposedly mechanical and cerebral wit.

    The lesson was that I should have resisted. Being jousted, I should have jousted back - perhaps with the aid of a simple jest. "I can't explain these jokes to you, Dotun, they're only for smart people!" I should have said. "But try this one: did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere! Still with me, Dotun? Shall I slow down?" (Thanks to Larry Bays from the Los Alamos National Laboratory for that joke.)

    My Five Live experience reminded me of two other cases of comedians appropriating professional humour. One is a recent New Yorker article in which Woody Allen couches everyday anxiety-provoking experiences (being late for work, trying to seduce someone) in language borrowed from physics. A typical sentence runs: "I could feel my coupling constant invade her weak field as I pressed my lips to her wet neutrinos." Allen lumbers across a whole page in this meant-to-be-cute vein. Don't abandon that film career, Woody.

    The other comedian to have tackled professional humour is Steve Martin, who tells his audience that he has worked up a joke about wrenches because a convention of plumbers is in town that night. The punchline, when it eventually comes, is: "It says sprocket, not socket!" When the supposedly expected guffaws fail to materialize, Martin feigns puzzlement. "Were those plumbers supposed to be here this show?" he asks. Now that brings laughs.

    These episodes illustrate a mixture of ways in which outsiders can appropriate the technical vocabulary of a profession for humorous purposes. Allen uses the poetic suggestiveness of technical terms (coupling, weak field and so on) for good-natured fun; his sentences do not make sense if you are an insider and go only by the words. Martin makes fun out of our not being insiders and not understanding the words. Radio Five Live made fun of the insiders themselves: the fact that they do understand the words.

    Humour, anthropologists tell us, is a flexible tool for managing the social environment. It can be used to draw people in by sharing, to keep people away by intimidating, to build charisma, to impress, to entertain, to relieve tension, to test and challenge oneself and others. But it is an especially useful tool in science, and particularly physics, precisely because it engages, fosters and celebrates the same values that the field itself depends on - namely cleverness, play and
  • by pez ( 54 ) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641471) Journal
    Perhaps it's sad, but this is seriously the only joke I've ever made up in my life.

    Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One and a half.

    • by prgrmr ( 568806 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:20PM (#7641568) Journal
      Q: How many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      A: As many as they can fit inside
    • by Bohnanza ( 523456 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641621)
      I don't get it. Maybe because I'm stupid? Anyway, the only joke I ever made up was a light-bulb joke as well:

      Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      A: Two, the same number it takes to screw anywhere else.

      Sorry, I don't have any physics jokes. I'm a chemist.

    • Some of these nabbed from funny2 [], and some from the book Absolute Zero Gravity. Also recommend this site [], it has a great geeky interface, and a nice large database.

      How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please.

      How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.

      How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.

      How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.

      How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

      How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

      How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

      How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

      How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.

      How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

      How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

      How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

  • by Metallic Matty ( 579124 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641483)
    Physics can be very humorous, but only to those who actually understand the area that the joke is coming from.

    Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual.

    (PS, I am in no way trying to insult physicists, gamers or any other group. I am all of the above myself.)
  • by johnthorensen ( 539527 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641484)
    So there was an argument over what type of engineer God was, to have created man. Some suggested Electrical Engineer, given the complex neural network, others suggested Mechanical Engineer, given the amazing mechanics of the body. It was finally realized that he was a Civil Engineer, as only a Civ. E. would put an waste management facility in a recreational area.

    Q: What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
    A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build...targets :)

  • Already dead :P (Score:4, Informative)

    by dema ( 103780 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:15PM (#7641496) Homepage
    Google cache [] to the rescue!
  • by monadicIO ( 602882 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:16PM (#7641519)
    Q:Why did the universe get destroyed?

    A:Some strings weren't null terminated.

  • by bravehamster ( 44836 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:16PM (#7641521) Homepage Journal
    [red sign posted on my professors door]

    If this sign looks blue...SLOW DOWN

  • by Komi ( 89040 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641528) Homepage

    Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15?

    A: A simple pole in a complex plane.

    <ba dum ching>

  • by tcopeland ( 32225 ) * <.moc.dnalepoceelsamoht. .ta. .mot.> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641529) Homepage
    If this sticker is blue, you're going too fast.
  • IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by lordbios ( 729438 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:19PM (#7641553) Homepage
    A man is standing on a hilltop when a man riding in a hot air balloon starts to drift by. The man in the balloon asks "Do you know where I am?" The man on the ground replies "In a hot air balloon." The man in the balloon says "You must work in Information Technology. What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all" To which the man on the ground replies "You must be in Business Administration, because you are in the same mess you were in before, but now it is my fault!"
    • Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

      by Phreakiture ( 547094 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:44PM (#7641890) Homepage

      A helicopter is lost in a fog. The pilot observes he is near a tall building and so he yells to get the attention of someone.

      A person comes to the window and says, "Can I help you?"

      "Yes," says the pilot, "I'm lost! Where am I?"

      "You're in a helicopter!" says the man in the window.

      The pilot thanked him and turned a specific angle and flew an exact distance to the nearest airport.

      His passenger asked him how he knew where he was.

      "Well, the answer I got was 100% correct, and 100% useless, so I knew I was talking to Microsoft Technical Support."

    • Re:IT joke (Score:4, Funny)

      by mamba-mamba ( 445365 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:53PM (#7641998)
      You shortened it horribly. The version I heard was an engineer vs. business man joke and was more like this:

      A man is standing on a foggy hilltop when another man riding in a hot air baloon starts to drift by.

      "Can you tell me where I am?" asks the baloonist.

      "Yes, you are approximately 50 feet above a small hillock in the fog," replies the man on the hill.

      "You must be an engineer," comes the reply.

      "How did you know?" asks the man on the hill.

      "What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all," replied the baloonist.

      "You must be a business man," says the engineer.

      "How did you know?" asks the baloonist.

      The engineer pauses, briefly, then says "Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. And you're no worse off now than when we met, but now it's my fault."

    • Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

      by Moses Lawn ( 201138 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:36PM (#7642602)
      My favorite sub-version, which involves no balloons:

      A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.

      "Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".

      The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".

      The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.

      "Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".

      The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.

      "Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"

      "Sure", says the Dude, grinning.

      "You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"

      "Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"

      "Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
  • by isomeme ( 177414 ) <> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:20PM (#7641566) Homepage Journal
    A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please."

    The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them.

    The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!"

    (By the way, it goes without saying that the bar is in SoHo.)
  • I dunno (Score:4, Funny)

    by iamdrscience ( 541136 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641572) Homepage
    I always assumed that Bob and Alice were in a strictly distance relationship so I don't see how they would ever meet in a bar. I think the closest they would ever get to physically making love would be a double-encrypted phone sex conversation.

    So yeah, my Alice and Bob joke is this:
    What did Alice and Bob believe is the most important thing to remember when having sex? To always practice mathematically secure sex!
  • by PenrosePattern ( 460197 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641581) Homepage
    The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review.
    "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
    The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
  • by fluxrad ( 125130 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641592) Homepage
    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • by Sir Holo ( 531007 ) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:22PM (#7641594)

    Three (assume they're male) physics/engineering students are having a conversation.

    The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."

    His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"

    "Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."

  • by gentlemoose ( 313278 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:22PM (#7641597) Homepage
    What's Avocado's Number?

    A Guacamole. Bwaaaahahahahaaaaa. Heeheehee.

  • c/c++ joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by ikoleverhate ( 607286 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641612)
    Old programmers don't die, they're just cast into the void.
  • by rjelks ( 635588 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641613) Homepage
    Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
  • Work (Score:5, Funny)

    by b1t r0t ( 216468 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:24PM (#7641632)
    This is a set of equations I found scrawled on a chalkboard one day at college:

    WORK = F D

    F = M A

    WORK = M A D

  • by Unknown Kadath ( 685094 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:25PM (#7641643)
    ...and they mostly look at me funny.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

    A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.

  • by carl67lp ( 465321 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:28PM (#7641680) Journal
    I am still a declared physics and math major, even though I'm now CS. Anyhow, here's my favorite math joke:

    There was a man in a nuthouse who constantly scared off all the newcomers with a menacing smile and the dreadful-sounding phrase, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!"--invariably the newcomer would cower in the corner and stay far away from the man.

    However, one day another man came in and confronted the first man. Of course, the first began yelling at the newcomer, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!" But it had no effect on the newcomer. The man yelled "I differentiate you!" several times to no avail. Finally, he broke down in tears. "Why, why?!?" he asked.

    The second man stated simply, "I'm e^x."
  • Bar joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by lysander ( 31017 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:32PM (#7641723)
    Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.

    Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"

    And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it."

    And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

  • Mathematics (Score:4, Funny)

    by spoonboy42 ( 146048 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:35PM (#7641769)

    This one requires a little bit of visualization, so get out a pen and paper if necessary. Some friends and I once wrote the following on a chalkboard:

    integral e^x = f(un)

    The teacher, upon seeing this, showed his appreciation by adding a subscript ny to the right side of the equation.

    Now for another one of my personal favorites, told in the manner of an algebraic proof.

    1. Girls require time and money. Or, to say it another way, girls are the product of an investment of time and money:

    girls = time * money

    2. Time is money:

    time = money

    3. Therefore, by substitution:

    girls = (money)^2

    4. According to the new testament, money is the root of all evil:

    money = (all evil)^(1/2)

    5.Performing another subsitution:

    girls = all evil

  • by DenOfEarth ( 162699 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:38PM (#7641804) Homepage

    The wedding wasn't too great, but the reception was awesome.

    ba-dum ching

  • by Stephen ( 20676 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:39PM (#7641819) Homepage
    Q. There were two cats on a roof. Which one slid off first?
    A. The one with the lower mew.
  • by sakusha ( 441986 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:42PM (#7641863)
    I heard this funny story which was said to be a true incident. I like the subtle frame-of-reference joke.

    Norbert Weiner was driving along a country road, when he got involved in a one-car accident, he drove off the road head-on into a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they asked him what happened. He said,

    "I was driving along, the telephone poles were passing me in a regular order, when suddenly they swerved!"
  • by mcmonkey ( 96054 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:43PM (#7641875) Homepage
    Ruth Hamilton of The Yorkhill NHS Trust told an amusing variant in which a lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend. "A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career." "Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better: you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more." They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab!"

    Absurd! The accountant will say the wife-- she's tax deducible.

  • n-th joke (Score:4, Funny)

    by Sklivvz ( 167003 ) * < minus bsd> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641923) Homepage Journal
    Where do you extract Mercury from?

    Hg Wells

    (/me runs away)
  • by PopeJP3 ( 714468 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641928)
    A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, " Never." The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
  • by the phantom ( 107624 ) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:48PM (#7641938) Homepage
    A biologist, a physisist, and a mathematician are standing outside of a building. Two people walk in. After a few minutes, three people walk out.

    "Aha!" the biologist says, "they must be breeding!"

    "No, no," the physisist replies "this is could be bad. In order to preserve the laws of thermodynamics, someone else must go into the building."

    The mathematician replys "But if someone else goes into the building, it will be empty."

    An engineer, a physisist, and a mathematician, and a statisticain are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.

    A little while later, the trashcan in the physists room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physisist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.

    A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.

    Meanwhile, the statisticain is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples.

    neh, i tried...
  • CS Jokes (Score:5, Funny)

    by Alizarin Erythrosin ( 457981 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:50PM (#7641963)
    Hopefully I get these right. I have them saved in my away messages at home, let's see if I can remember them.

    Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"

    Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@( *#&@!(#^$*#$_(*@!&#*&@!$#"
    The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."
  • by gid-goo ( 52690 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:52PM (#7641987)
    Each has their apartment on fire:
    The engineer walks in, seeing the fire he runs and grabs the biggest container he can find, fills it full of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out but the room is flooded, the stereo and tv are ruined, the couch is trashed, everything is soaked.

    The physicist walks in to his own abode sees the fire, thinks a bit, does some calculations goes and grabs a container fills it with exactly 4.5 gallons of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out, there was just enough water to put out the fire and no more.

    The mathematician walks, looks at the fire, grabs a pencil and paper and starts jotting down equations. Looks at the fire again, looks at the sink and a tub, jots down some more equations. Finally he puts down the paper, scratches his chin and says "Definitely possible."
  • by thomkt ( 59664 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:01PM (#7642142)
    A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"

    So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.

    Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

    "That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."

    He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

    "OK, why not?" answers the young man.

    "That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."

    "That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"

    "There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
    about my business. Now give me back my dog."
    • by gbjbaanb ( 229885 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:38PM (#7642623)
      Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

      ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in oorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
  • by orichter ( 60340 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:50PM (#7644277)
    A physicist, a chemist, and an engineer are asked:
    Q: "What is the best way to determine the volume of a little red ball."
    A: Physicist: Measure the diameter, devide by two for radius and use the formula 4/3 * PI * radius ^ 3

    A: Chemist: Take a beaker, fill it with water. Dunk the ball in it, and measure the amount of water displaced.

    A: Engineer: It's easy, just pull out the "Little Red Ball" book and look it up.
  • by theCoder ( 23772 ) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:57PM (#7644676) Homepage Journal
    but maybe someone will see this and get a laugh...

    My physics teacher in high school told of the graffiti in the bathroom in the physics building at his alma mater. While the other bathrooms around the campus had the usual bathroom scrawlings, the physics bathrooms were clean, except for a single limeric:

    The once was a lady named Bright,
    Who could travel faster than light.
    She went out one day,
    In her usual way,
    And returned the previous night!

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.