A tuned and perfectly working piano abandoned in the woods has Harwich, Mass. police baffled. The piano was discovered Saturday by a woman walking along a path inside a conservation area. It took more than a half dozen men to haul it out of the woods and load it onto a truck. This is why it's best to pick a smaller instrument if you're going to run a bard. Almost every bard plays a lute for a reason. Police said they've notified other police departments in the area to see if anyone has reported a missing piano.

Has anyone seen the remote?

How bad could a little sand be?

A Spanish city has found an unusual place to generate renewable energy — solar panels in the cemetery. Santa Coloma de Gramanet has installed 462 solar panels over its multi-story mausoleums. The plan was met with some derision at first, but thanks to a successful marketing campaign, the solar cemetery has public support. It has been such a success that there are already plans to install more panels in an effort to triple the amount of power generated. The installation cost 720,000 euros (£608,000) but will keep about 62 tonnes of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere every year, said Esteve Serret, a director of Conste-Live Energy, the company that runs the cemetery and also works in renewable energy. I'm sure a solar powered zombie movie is already in the works.

Lawmakers in Papua, Indonesia have thrown their support behind a bill requiring some HIV/AIDS patients to be implanted with microchips in order to better monitor the disease. In addition, legislator John Manangsang said by implanting chips in "sexually aggressive" patients, authorities would be in a better position to identify, track and punish those who deliberately infect others. Health workers and rights activists sharply criticized the plan. It would make the dating scene a lot less scary if you could carry your AIDS chip reader into the club.

Ben Falkon writes "This article takes a look at the possibility of turning a set of laptops into a home theater system. Considering Nelson Chang and the team at HP have had success with running projector party, I don't see why this is not possible. The only problem that I can see is that laptop speakers tend to be weak — then again, modern laptops are gradually being fitted with powerful speakers in these days, so that does not bother me much. A comprehensive discussion follows at the end of the article."

A Colorado judge has come up with a way to ensure noise polluters learn their lesson. He forces them to listen to Barry Manilow. Four times a year, Judge Paul Sacco forces noise ordinance violators to sit in a room and listen to one hour of hits from Barry Manilow and Barney, the purple dinosaur. "These people should have to listen to music they don't like," Mr Sacco said.

In what is sure to be the basis for the greatest feel-good buddy movie of all time, Roger Haines and Tom Lee are planning to take off their clothes, and row 4,350 miles across the Indian Ocean in a self-built boat to raise cash for charity. The trip should take 2.6 million oar strokes, 105 days, 14 gallons of sunscreen, and 5 uncomfortable glances. The pair hopes to raise £100,000 for charity, as well as becoming the first duo to row across the Indian Ocean.

Even Nazis like cookies.

Why row when you can smoke?

A test on civic knowledge given to elected officials proved that they are slightly less knowledgeable than the uninformed people who voted them into office. Elected officials scored a 44 percent while ordinary citizens managed an amazing 49 percent on the 33 questions compiled by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute. "It is disturbing enough that the general public failed ISI's civic literacy test, but when you consider the even more dismal scores of elected officials, you have to be concerned," said Josiah Bunting, chairman of the National Civic Literacy Board at ISI. The three branches of government aren't the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria?

The Supreme Court of Canada decided to not hear an appeal from Canadian airlines on Thursday, effectively ruling obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one. The Canadian Transportation Agency had made a decision earlier that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare. The appeal had been launched by Air Canada, Air Canada Jazz and WestJet. Now they just have to work on more leg room for tall, fat people and complimentary pie.

He's got guts and guts is enough.

Honesty isn't always the best policy.

A 60-year-old British woman is suffering from a neurological defect that is sure to put her in the next version of "The Man who Mistook His Wife for a Hat." She is unable to recognize any voice she hears — any voice, that is, but Sean Connery's. Unless she sees the face of the person speaking, she has no idea who is talking to her, even her daughter and co-worker's voices are unrecognizable. Dr. Brad Duchaine at University College London, thinks she might have the first documented case of vocal prosopagnosia, a condition which makes it extremely difficult for people to recognize faces. "His accent is distinctive," Duchaine explained. "And she is a British woman in her sixties ... let's say it's probable he got her attention."

The Telegraph has put together a good list of the 30 greatest conspiracy theories of all time. All the old hits are there: the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Roswell, The Philadelphia Experiment, and the death of Elvis Presley. It also includes some relative newcomers such as claims that Diana, Princess of Wales, was murdered, Chemtrails, and "the AIDS virus was created in a laboratory." Put on your tinfoil hat and read them quickly before they take it down.

I have a recurring dream that is very similar to this, the only thing missing is Godzilla holding a copy of The Road Warrior and a dozen roses.

The creepiness of a clown is nothing compared to the horror of Rainbow Man. Good luck in therapy, kid.

An Australian man with his penis caught in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 km/h car chase. The police found him stopped in a no-stopping zone, and became worried he might have a weapon after noticing he was doing something with his hands in his lap. Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar. After a brief chase, the man was forcibly removed from his car and attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling." You have to admire his resolve. A search of the car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Having made amazing discoveries such as how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, linking heavy caffeine use to sleeplessness, and figuring out where all the teaspoons have gone, science has made the greatest breakthrough yet. They have uncovered the secrets of making the perfect phone call. The perfect phone call clocks in at a mere 9 minutes and 36 seconds, easily 11 minutes shorter than any conversation I've ever had with my mom. Unlike a call to mom, the perfect phone call is almost devoid of any gossip about her divorced neighbor and her heavily tattooed daughter. Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex. What's left of your 9 mins 36 secs is a free for all.