But she still loves you very much.

When you only have a 38% chance of being able to read, live in a country that has been in a civil war since 1990, and have a life expectancy of 47.8 years, a Dutch Prison might seem like paradise. Dutch legal experts are warning that some pirates are allowing themselves to be captured in order to take advantage of asylum laws. One recently captured pirate said, "Life is good here. I appeal to the government not to send me back to Somalia. The people who live here respect human rights. I wish to settle here." A defense attorney representing another pirate added, "My client feels safe here. His own village is dominated by poverty and sharia [Islamic law] but here he has good food and can play football and watch television. He thinks the lavatory in his cell is fantastic."

A group of resorts in Mexico are offering a unique incentive to tourists who have concerns about catching swine flu. The vacation properties are offering 3 free trips if you contract the flu when you visit. "The 'Flu Free Guarantee' represents our certainty that Mexico is a safe and healthy destination," said spokesman Alex Zozaya. Industry insiders say the campaign might lead to other disease based-discount plans such as a free dinner with every case of dysentery.

It's not easy to jump something that only goes 10 mph.

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt."

Unfortunately for the 73% of prospective new teachers who failed to pass the math section of the state elementary school teacher's licensing exam, Massachusetts does not grade on a curve. More than 600 applicants took the exam that tests knowledge of elementary school mathematics including geometry, statistics, and probability. Tom Scott, executive director of the Massachusetts Association of School Superintendents, says "The high failure rate puts a shining light on a deficiency in teacher-prep programs."

Not to be outdone by the raccoon guy, two Russian tourists decided to have a good time with a porcupine. The pair were vacationing in Florida when they got a hold of a book about weird US laws. After a few hours of reading and drinking, they found a Florida law that prohibited sex with porcupines. The two had quills removed from their manhoods the following morning and both underwent lengthy procedures upon their return home to treat the inflammation caused by their tryst.

This also works for relatives.

niktemadur writes "In an uncanny case of life-imitates-Monty-Python, the BBC reports of a North Carolina teenager who entered an internet cafe with a banana concealed under his T-shirt, said it was a gun and demanded money. The owner of the shop and its customers overcame the hapless thief and called for help. When the police arrived, witnesses reported that the teenager had eaten the banana in the interim. In addition to attempted armed robbery, officers joked they may also charge the 17-year-old with destroying evidence and took pictures of the banana peel instead. No mention in the article, however, on how patrons might have defended themselves against a pointed stick."

You haven't tried everything to get your kids to study until you've tried the Study Ball. The Study Ball is a 21-pound prison-style device that locks onto your child's leg and only unlocks after a predetermined amount of study time has passed. The homework manacles can't be locked for more than four hours, and come with a safety key. The product website states, "Quite often, students who are having problems concentrating tend to get up every ten minutes to watch TV, talk on the phone, take something out of the fridge, and a long list of other distractions. Were they to dedicate all this wasted time to studying, they would optimise their performance and have more free time available. Study Ball helps you study more and more efficiently." Stop Teasing Your Brother Pepper Spray coming soon.

If you happen to be one of the lucky 144,000 that make it through the pearly gates when the man comes around, you won't get a chance to send a message to any of your sinful friends and relatives. That is where Joshua Witter comes in. He sells cards for $5 that he will deliver to those left behind. About 70 people in the Orlando area have given him messages to deliver once the earth is transformed into a plague-ridden hellscape. "Anyway you look at it, I'm screwed. It's too late for me," said Witter, a 24-year-old computer software engineer.

A German travel agency is offering an alternative to ties and adulation for dads this Father's Day, with tank driving lessons. The lucky dads will get a short lesson in how to control a 14-ton vintage Soviet tank, followed by a supervised half-hour trip through a practice field. For an additional cost, dad will be able to plow over an old car, while wishing he could do the same to the wall of isolation that years of putting has job first has created around his family. "Tanks fascinate all boys, big and small. We offer trips in armored tanks, driving around Germany's biggest playground for men — it's an ideal gift for Father's Day," the company wrote in a press release.

3rd grade is not for the lighthearted.

PHPNerd writes "According to experts, the English language has entered a state of evolution that is progressing so rapidly that we are adding a new word to it every 98 minutes. This kind of language development hasn't been seen since the days of William Shakespeare. One of the biggest words in nerd culture today is "noob" which could end up being the 1,000,000th word added to the English language by the Global Language Monitor. From the article, 'The word "noob" has its heavy roots in gamer culture, which should be obvious since we're talking about it. It's also seen a lot of use among online communities to "welcome" fresh faces, and has become an accepted term of abuse for anybody who looks like they don't know what they're doing. The Global Language Monitor accepts words once they have been used 25,000 times by media outlets.'"

Jessica Mischner writes "If the mechanical energy generated by the movement of Tibet's spinning prayer wheels could be harnessed, we could potentially reduce the size of our current carbon footprint and supplement an inadequate and unreliable electrical grid for numerous individuals. The Prayer Wheel Energy Generator, designed by Taikkun Yang Li does just this by transforming all of those good vibes into electricity that could be used to provide reliable energy for daily needs such as evening lighting."

If you live in Madrid or Barcelona, you might not notice the air pollution due to your contact buzz according to a new study. The Superior Council of Scientific Investigations found the air in those cities to be laced with at least five drugs: amphetamines, opiates, cannabinoids, lysergic acid and most prominently cocaine. Researchers found cocaine in concentrations between 29 and 850 picogram per cubic meter of air. The group stresses that the air samples were taken in high drug areas and don't represent most of the air in the cities.

Father David Buckley, of the Our Lady Immaculate and St Philip Neri Catholic church, stopped watching Dogma long enough to unveil a Marcus Cornish bronze statue dubbed "Jesus in jeans." The seven-foot high statue depicts Christ in jeans and a button-down shirt, with neatly trimmed hair and beard, a man of the 21st century. The £35,000 sculpture was funded with money left by Winifred Gregory, a member of the church who died last year. Father Buckley said, "You are always looking for new ways to enrich people in the experience of Christianity and it is good people can be open-minded to appreciate it. On the continent you often encounter modern representations of Jesus but it is not so common over here. We wanted a figure of Christ not in suffering but dynamic and welcoming. We felt this design summed up the spirit and activity of Christ perfectly and I think it speaks for itself."

Everyone, just do what comes naturally.

eldavojohn writes "What do you do when a foreign species has been introduced to your land from another continent? Bring over the natural predator from the other continent. Scientists in Texas have introduced four kinds of phorid flies from South America to fight fire ants. These USDA approved flies dive bomb ants and lay an egg inside the ant. The maggot hatches and eats away juicy tender delicious ant brain until the ant is nothing more than a zombie that wanders around for two weeks before the head falls off and the ant dies. A couple of these flies will cause the ants to modify their behavior and this will be a very slow acting solution to curb the $1 billion in damage these ants do to Texas cattle ranches and — oddly enough — electrical equipment like circuit breakers. You may remember zombifying parasites hitting insects like cockroaches."

bokske writes "An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill. Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday, after the flagrant fumes prompted someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in. Just another day at the office."