Perhaps inspired by Van Halen, retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and pushed would-be jumper Chen Fuchao, off a bridge. Chinese media reports that traffic had been held up for five hours while police tried to talk the suicidal Chen away from the edge. After being pushed, Chen fell 8 meters onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion and was taken to the hospital with wrist and back injuries. Lian was held by police and had this to say, "I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests. They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Jonathan Lee Richards was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the person who has filed the most lawsuits in the history of mankind. After hearing of the honor, Mr. Richards, aka. "Johnny Sue-nami," promptly filed an injunction in federal court to stop the company from bestowing the coveted title upon him, claiming that the moniker would cause him imminent danger and bodily harm. He then sued a dog for barking, the sun for not shining long enough, and his neighbor just for snoring too loud.

Afterwards they returned to the hundred-shame wood.

Anon E. Muss writes "Just because you can put a camera somewhere doesn't mean you should. Apparently, the Department of Homeland Security doesn't grasp this concept. They've installed video cameras in urinals at Houston's Hobby Airport. At least they weren't sneaky about it — they posted a notice saying 'Automatic infrared flush sensors also provide video monitoring for security purposes.' (Insert bad joke about bashful bladder syndrome here)."

Mike writes "Paro is a therapeutic baby seal robot that is exploring new dimensions in animal therapy. Created to act as a companion for hospital patients and the elderly, the adorable baby harp seal bot aims to increase relaxation and decrease stress. Paro can sense and respond to its immediate environment through five integrated sensors that detect touch, light, sound, temperature, and posture, and it is even capable of learning and responding to a name."

An anonymous reader writes "An anonymous study of 2,000 British men and women concluded that out of all jobs, computer geeks make the best lovers. They were found to be the most selfless in bed, the most adventurous and more likely to use sex toys, wireless or otherwise."

digitalfever writes "A couple from New Zealand are being hunted down by Interpol after a banking error saw their account mistakenly credited with NZ $10 million (£3.8m/$6m). However, instead of notifying the bank of their new-found wealth, they simply took the money and ran."

bantu1 writes "Apparently, Helsinki has been reported as the Klingon-speaking capital of the world, with 1 in 1953 Helsinks able to speak the Trek-lovers' language. This all comes off the back of the recent 'slip' by Sophos in releasing their free Klingon Anti-Virus early."

coondoggie writes "Somewhere HAL is smiling. Reports out of Hoboken, NJ today say an automated parking garage robotic system went a little nutty this week, trapping a driver and his pooch inside. According to reports it's not the first time the system has had issues with its car constituents. According to the Jersey Journal, a Honda Civic was scraped along its right side when it became trapped on a pallet and sank two feet under the garage floor last spring."

Joseph Nativo, 47, is accused of taking 40-year-old Gennario Sibbio's dentures at gunpoint. Gennario says that Joseph, an ex-colleague, pulled a gun and took $1,200, two cell phones, a coat, a Bluetooth wireless device, and his dentures. Nativo says he took the dentures, but he didn't pull a gun and that Gennario isn't a colleague, but a former employee who stole from him. "He's not my partner. He's my employee," Nativo said, "I fired him, let him go. I paid for his new teeth to be put in... I told him to leave the company. I asked for my teeth back. He owes me over $27,000 from the company. I took his phones. I took his car. Everything that I gave him, I took it." Nativo was arrested and charged with first-degree robbery. The dentures I can understand, but the man's coat? That's cold.

The NIH plans to spend $178,000 to unlock the mystery of why drug-using prostitutes in Thailand are more likely to be infected with HIV. The study, "Substance Use and HIV Risk among Thai Women," will have researchers interview 60 sex workers to understand the factors that make the prostitutes prone to HIV infection. Watchdogs groups are calling the study a huge waste of American taxpayers' money. "This really is a complete waste of money and should not be funded by the taxpayer," said David Williams, vice president for policy at Citizens Against Government Waste. Other NIH studies that have come under scrutiny include investigations on why the obese are underrepresented in long distance running competitions and why the blind make extraordinarily poor search and rescue pilots.

But she still loves you very much.

When you only have a 38% chance of being able to read, live in a country that has been in a civil war since 1990, and have a life expectancy of 47.8 years, a Dutch Prison might seem like paradise. Dutch legal experts are warning that some pirates are allowing themselves to be captured in order to take advantage of asylum laws. One recently captured pirate said, "Life is good here. I appeal to the government not to send me back to Somalia. The people who live here respect human rights. I wish to settle here." A defense attorney representing another pirate added, "My client feels safe here. His own village is dominated by poverty and sharia [Islamic law] but here he has good food and can play football and watch television. He thinks the lavatory in his cell is fantastic."

A group of resorts in Mexico are offering a unique incentive to tourists who have concerns about catching swine flu. The vacation properties are offering 3 free trips if you contract the flu when you visit. "The 'Flu Free Guarantee' represents our certainty that Mexico is a safe and healthy destination," said spokesman Alex Zozaya. Industry insiders say the campaign might lead to other disease based-discount plans such as a free dinner with every case of dysentery.

It's not easy to jump something that only goes 10 mph.

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt."

Unfortunately for the 73% of prospective new teachers who failed to pass the math section of the state elementary school teacher's licensing exam, Massachusetts does not grade on a curve. More than 600 applicants took the exam that tests knowledge of elementary school mathematics including geometry, statistics, and probability. Tom Scott, executive director of the Massachusetts Association of School Superintendents, says "The high failure rate puts a shining light on a deficiency in teacher-prep programs."

Not to be outdone by the raccoon guy, two Russian tourists decided to have a good time with a porcupine. The pair were vacationing in Florida when they got a hold of a book about weird US laws. After a few hours of reading and drinking, they found a Florida law that prohibited sex with porcupines. The two had quills removed from their manhoods the following morning and both underwent lengthy procedures upon their return home to treat the inflammation caused by their tryst.

This also works for relatives.

niktemadur writes "In an uncanny case of life-imitates-Monty-Python, the BBC reports of a North Carolina teenager who entered an internet cafe with a banana concealed under his T-shirt, said it was a gun and demanded money. The owner of the shop and its customers overcame the hapless thief and called for help. When the police arrived, witnesses reported that the teenager had eaten the banana in the interim. In addition to attempted armed robbery, officers joked they may also charge the 17-year-old with destroying evidence and took pictures of the banana peel instead. No mention in the article, however, on how patrons might have defended themselves against a pointed stick."