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Science

Dark Matter Filament Finally Found 190

Posted by samzenpus
from the there-it-is dept.
An anonymous reader writes "Everyone is talking about the recent Higgs boson announcement by the scientists at CERN, but another significant scientific discovery was revealed this week as well. In a study published online in the journal Nature on Wednesday, scientists show that they have successfully found the first dark matter filament."
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Dark Matter Filament Finally Found

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  • by Yosho-sama (800703) <{moc.liamg} {ta} {NIN.ohsoY}> on Thursday July 05, 2012 @07:25PM (#40558949)
    Futurama fans already know that that filament is a result of Nibblonian diarrhea being ejected into space.
  • Re:so .. (Score:4, Funny)

    by Ranguvar (1924024) <ranguvar@archlinux.us> on Thursday July 05, 2012 @07:35PM (#40559011)

    so .. what colour are they ?

    African American.

  • by the eric conspiracy (20178) on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:02PM (#40559155)

    Dark Matter was proven decades ago as this following article demonstrates.

    Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

    For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

    The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark
    right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a
    much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
    has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

    Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
    of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
    the portable dark sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
    Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker
    and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored.
    Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
    solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

    In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

  • by hawguy (1600213) on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:18PM (#40559223)

    I don't know if I believe you about the dark suckers, but I know how to prove that Dark Matter exists - just redirect one of the mars probes to go visit this dark matter filament and bring back a sample. The Curiosity Rover already has a drill, which would aid in extracting the matter. It should be a simple matter of stellar mathematics (provided that we're willing to wait a bit longer) to set it on a course to the filament. On the way there the rover can be reprogrammed to autonomously land and extract the matter. Since it will be a bit further from Earth than it was designed for, it might be out of radio contact so it will have to be self sufficient.

    Easy-peasy, in a "few" years we could be examining samples from this dark filament here on earth.

  • by tlambert (566799) on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:18PM (#40559225)

    And it turned out that it was made of what we long suspected the mising mass of the universe wa composed of: AOL discs.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:19PM (#40559229)

    Did you mean "poop"-culture?

  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:37PM (#40559337)

    Did you mean "poop"-culture?

    What a shitty post.

  • Re:Up next (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday July 05, 2012 @08:38PM (#40559339)

    Dark suckers. [msu.edu]

  • by Greyfox (87712) on Thursday July 05, 2012 @09:57PM (#40559781) Homepage Journal
    It's like a sophomore project in universe design class. A way-too-slow hard-coded top speed, lots of localized buffer overflows without proper error handling or anything (Too much mass in one place should at LEAST throw an exception,) particles popping in and out of existence all the time, and the whole thing is held together by duck tape and dark matter. Honestly, I might give this universe a "C"... if I was feeling generous.
  • by PopeRatzo (965947) on Thursday July 05, 2012 @10:45PM (#40560095) Homepage Journal

    Dark Matter Filament Finally Found

    Now maybe they can help me find my keys.

  • Re:bleh (Score:5, Funny)

    by Sulphur (1548251) on Friday July 06, 2012 @12:06AM (#40560511)

    first post

    Dark post; doesn't matter.

  • Re:so .. (Score:5, Funny)

    by Jane Q. Public (1010737) on Friday July 06, 2012 @01:19AM (#40560771)

    "African American."

    Umm... I'm not so sure such "dark" humor is quite appropriate.

  • by jd (1658) <imipak@nOSPam.yahoo.com> on Friday July 06, 2012 @02:22AM (#40561081) Homepage Journal

    Volkwagon? VOLKSWAGON?! REAL scientists use police telephone boxes to travel intergalactic distances! Everyone knows that! Only wizards and mad scientists fly by car.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday July 06, 2012 @02:39AM (#40561151)

    Astronomy is a somewhat shaky field - all theories are fundamentally untestable - all you can do is look out at the universe and try to find phenomena that seem to support or counter theory, but in doing so you're making numerous assumptions about what exactly you're looking at to begin with, and assuming it behaves in a manner consistent with other widely accepted but still fundamentally untestable theories. Now that technique is surprisingly effective, but it is vulnerable to flaws in analysis, especially when much analysis is based on something that is known to be inaccurate (Newtonian gravity) because the alternative is too computationally expensive to use.

    Makes me feel better about studying Economics

  • by rossdee (243626) on Friday July 06, 2012 @07:43AM (#40562517)

    Is it something like that thing in Star Trek Generations ?

nohup rm -fr /&

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