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So You Think Physics is Funny? 926

Posted by michael
from the no-laughing-matter dept.
mzs writes "I just found this article in PhysicsWorld by Robert P. Crease detailing some of the 'better' physics jokes that readers sent him in response to an earlier article. Read about why the elements of magnetic flux are hard to understand or about the sexual adventures of Alice and Bob in a bar. Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field. I will close with this gem from the article: 'What's new?' 'E over h.'"
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So You Think Physics is Funny?

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  • Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)

    by Neil Blender (555885) <neilblender@gmail.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:08PM (#7641411)
    Just not 'ha, ha' funny.
  • by rsilverman (266807) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641448)

    Q: What's purple and commutes?

    A: An Abelian grape.
  • by jdh-22 (636684) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641449)


    Wanted Dead or Alive.

  • Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:11PM (#7641455)
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
  • Okay... (Score:5, Funny)

    by American AC in Paris (230456) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641460) Homepage
    Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field.

    Q: What did the webserver say to Slashdot?
    A: HRRRRRNNNnnnnnnghhhh......

  • by IdleTime (561841) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641464) Journal
    You just need to be faster than the speed of light in order to read the webpage. Slashdotting seems to defy all laws of physics!
  • by pez (54) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:12PM (#7641471) Homepage Journal
    Perhaps it's sad, but this is seriously the only joke I've ever made up in my life.

    Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One and a half.

  • by Metallic Matty (579124) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641483)
    Physics can be very humorous, but only to those who actually understand the area that the joke is coming from.

    Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual.

    (PS, I am in no way trying to insult physicists, gamers or any other group. I am all of the above myself.)
  • by johnthorensen (539527) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641484)
    So there was an argument over what type of engineer God was, to have created man. Some suggested Electrical Engineer, given the complex neural network, others suggested Mechanical Engineer, given the amazing mechanics of the body. It was finally realized that he was a Civil Engineer, as only a Civ. E. would put an waste management facility in a recreational area.


    Another...
    Q: What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
    A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build...targets :)

    -JT
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641486)
    "Conserve Energy, commute with an Hamiltonian!"

    if you get, you are a pretty geeky physics nerd.
  • Re:Protons (Score:4, Funny)

    by aborchers (471342) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:14PM (#7641491) Homepage Journal
    Sodium and Neon were walking down the street. Suddently, Sodium stops, looking around frantically.

    "What's wrong?", asks Neon.

    The nervous Sodium replies, "I think I just lost an electron!"

    Neon, concerned, asks, "Are you sure?"

    "Yep. I'm positive!", Sodium responds.

  • by monadicIO (602882) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:16PM (#7641519)
    Q:Why did the universe get destroyed?

    A:Some strings weren't null terminated.

  • by bravehamster (44836) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:16PM (#7641521) Homepage Journal
    [red sign posted on my professors door]

    If this sign looks blue...SLOW DOWN

  • by Komi (89040) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641528) Homepage

    Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15?

    A: A simple pole in a complex plane.

    <ba dum ching>

  • by tcopeland (32225) * <{moc.dnalepoceelsamoht} {ta} {mot}> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641529) Homepage
    If this sticker is blue, you're going too fast.
  • by Paradise Pete (33184) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641533) Journal
    and yet somehow this site is slashdotted. Go figure.

    Defies the notion that nobody reads the articles before posting, doesn't it?

  • by Afrosheen (42464) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:17PM (#7641534)
    Shouldn't that read...

    Wanted: Dead AND Alive.
  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by golo (95789) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:19PM (#7641550) Homepage Journal
    A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "for you, no charge."
  • by monadicIO (602882) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:19PM (#7641551)
    Unfortunately I can't remember enough to do it justice... Anyone?
    Yes, the examiner reading his answers got Bohr'ed to death.
  • IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by lordbios (729438) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:19PM (#7641553) Homepage
    A man is standing on a hilltop when a man riding in a hot air balloon starts to drift by. The man in the balloon asks "Do you know where I am?" The man on the ground replies "In a hot air balloon." The man in the balloon says "You must work in Information Technology. What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all" To which the man on the ground replies "You must be in Business Administration, because you are in the same mess you were in before, but now it is my fault!"
  • by isomeme (177414) <cdberry@gmail.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:20PM (#7641566) Homepage Journal
    A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please."

    The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them.

    The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!"

    (By the way, it goes without saying that the bar is in SoHo.)
  • by prgrmr (568806) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:20PM (#7641568) Journal
    Q: How many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



    A: As many as they can fit inside
  • I dunno (Score:4, Funny)

    by iamdrscience (541136) <(michaelmtripp) (at) (gmail.com)> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641572) Homepage
    I always assumed that Bob and Alice were in a strictly distance relationship so I don't see how they would ever meet in a bar. I think the closest they would ever get to physically making love would be a double-encrypted phone sex conversation.

    So yeah, my Alice and Bob joke is this:
    What did Alice and Bob believe is the most important thing to remember when having sex? To always practice mathematically secure sex!
  • by PenrosePattern (460197) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641581) Homepage
    The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review.
    "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
    The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
  • by f1ipf10p (676890) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641586)
    Daniel-son, X-on, X-off! X-on, X-off!
  • by gnu-generation-one (717590) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641588) Homepage
    Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

    When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

  • by adamy (78406) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641590) Homepage Journal
    Tie String to pen
    lower pen from top of building
    measure string.
  • by fluxrad (125130) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:21PM (#7641592) Homepage
    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • by Sir Holo (531007) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:22PM (#7641594)

    Three (assume they're male) physics/engineering students are having a conversation.

    The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."

    His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"

    "Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."

  • by gentlemoose (313278) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:22PM (#7641597) Homepage
    What's Avocado's Number?

    A Guacamole. Bwaaaahahahahaaaaa. Heeheehee.

    *sniffle*
  • by cps42 (102752) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:22PM (#7641601) Homepage

    When someone greets me with 'what's new?', I reply...

    Nu is the 13th letter of the Greek alphabet...

  • by EvilSporkMan (648878) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641608)
    How fast does the speed of light go? It'd make more sense if you had to be faster than light to read the page...
  • c/c++ joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by ikoleverhate (607286) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641612)
    Old programmers don't die, they're just cast into the void.
  • by rjelks (635588) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641613) Homepage
    Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
  • by mwillson (165675) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641618)
    Q. What goes "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
    A. A parity error
  • by Bohnanza (523456) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:23PM (#7641621)
    I don't get it. Maybe because I'm stupid? Anyway, the only joke I ever made up was a light-bulb joke as well:

    Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two, the same number it takes to screw anywhere else.

    Sorry, I don't have any physics jokes. I'm a chemist.

  • by Uma Thurman (623807) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:24PM (#7641630) Homepage Journal
    I really don't know.
  • Work (Score:5, Funny)

    by b1t r0t (216468) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:24PM (#7641632)
    This is a set of equations I found scrawled on a chalkboard one day at college:

    WORK = F D

    F = M A

    WORK = M A D

  • by Unknown Kadath (685094) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:25PM (#7641643)
    ...and they mostly look at me funny.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

    A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.

    -Carolyn
  • by DucatiBoy (680350) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:26PM (#7641656)
    I thought it was something more like.... Walk into the building, go to the superintendent and say "Hey, if you tell me how tall this building is, I will give you this lovely pen."
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:27PM (#7641669)
    I believe the instrument was a barometer. Here is the account I got off of http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/barometer.asp
    The joke works with a barometer because of the "correct answer" as seen in the story. And incidentally, it probably was not Niels Bohr of course.

    The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

    One student replied:

    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

    The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

    For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

    "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

    "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

    "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

    "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

    "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

    "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

    The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.
  • by gnu-generation-one (717590) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:27PM (#7641673) Homepage

    I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost...
  • by carl67lp (465321) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:28PM (#7641680) Journal
    I am still a declared physics and math major, even though I'm now CS. Anyhow, here's my favorite math joke:

    There was a man in a nuthouse who constantly scared off all the newcomers with a menacing smile and the dreadful-sounding phrase, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!"--invariably the newcomer would cower in the corner and stay far away from the man.

    However, one day another man came in and confronted the first man. Of course, the first began yelling at the newcomer, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!" But it had no effect on the newcomer. The man yelled "I differentiate you!" several times to no avail. Finally, he broke down in tears. "Why, why?!?" he asked.

    The second man stated simply, "I'm e^x."
  • by SeanAhern (25764) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:28PM (#7641688) Journal
    Someone once said that the point of higher education was so that you could understand more jokes.
  • Mr. Kepler (Score:3, Funny)

    by Allaran (557295) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:29PM (#7641695)

    Mr. Kepler: Hey there Earth! I heard you got a new job as a janitor. How's it goin'?

    Earth: *sigh* Mmmmm...ok, but my boss always makes me sweep out the same area!
  • by gnu-generation-one (717590) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:31PM (#7641713) Homepage

    Q: How far can you see on a clear day?

    A: 93 million miles...from here to the Sun.
  • Bar joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by lysander (31017) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:32PM (#7641723)
    Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.

    Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"

    And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it."

    And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:33PM (#7641734)
    Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
    A. Nothing.. You just cant cross a vector with a scalar.

    Cheers,
    Sumit Dhar [blogspot.com]
  • by geekwench (644364) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:33PM (#7641735)
    No... but it makes my mouth water. ;)
  • by The_Rippa (181699) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:33PM (#7641738)
    ...I don't get it
  • Re:Work (Score:2, Funny)

    by gnu-generation-one (717590) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:34PM (#7641747) Homepage

    ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

    A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
    plus three times the square root of four,
    divided by seven,
    plus five times eleven,
    equals nine squared and not a bit more.
  • by monadicIO (602882) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:34PM (#7641760)
    So how many friends do you still have left?
  • Mathematics (Score:4, Funny)

    by spoonboy42 (146048) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:35PM (#7641769)

    This one requires a little bit of visualization, so get out a pen and paper if necessary. Some friends and I once wrote the following on a chalkboard:

    integral e^x = f(un)

    The teacher, upon seeing this, showed his appreciation by adding a subscript ny to the right side of the equation.

    Now for another one of my personal favorites, told in the manner of an algebraic proof.

    1. Girls require time and money. Or, to say it another way, girls are the product of an investment of time and money:

    girls = time * money

    2. Time is money:

    time = money

    3. Therefore, by substitution:

    girls = (money)^2

    4. According to the new testament, money is the root of all evil:

    money = (all evil)^(1/2)

    5.Performing another subsitution:

    girls = all evil

  • Re:I dunno (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:36PM (#7641782)
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
  • by liquidpele (663430) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:37PM (#7641792) Journal

    ok, here ya go...

    Three Graduates are peeing in a bathroom.

    The UGA graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at UGA, they teach us to be clean".

    The Clemson graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at clemson they teach us how conserve resources".

    The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
  • by DenOfEarth (162699) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:38PM (#7641804) Homepage

    The wedding wasn't too great, but the reception was awesome.

    ba-dum ching

  • 1040 Quark (Score:2, Funny)

    by An dochasac (591582) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:38PM (#7641809)
    came up with this while reading Brian Greenes "Elegant Universe" while working on U.S. taxes:

    The Internal Revenue Service has a way of making addition,
    subtraction, multiplication and division seem like rocket science.
    CERN and Stephen Hawkings have collaborated to produce this simplified U.S. tax form.

    1040-QUARK
    1) Enter your Name 2) Enter the number of protons in your nucleus.

    3) Multiply the entry in Line 2 by the mass of an electron

    4) Check the box that indicates the number of dimensions in your
    universe. 0, 1, 11, 15, Infinite

    5) Enter the number planck-sized spheres will fit in this universe?
    (Use worksheet F-theta) Enter your answer in column 6
    NOTE: It may be useful to transform your universe into the mirror
    equivalent calubi-yau space in order to simplify calculations.

    6)

    6a) Add the result of 6a to the winding number of the strings in this
    calubi-yau space, subtract the number of holes in odd numbered
    dimensions.
    Enter your answer in column 7. (Use worksheet J-delta and/or a
    Super-Hadron collider)
    NOTE: Be careful, you can shoot your eye out with a super-hadron
    collider.

    8) Enter the value of payments you've made into social security.

    9) Use the lorentz social security contraction equation to figure out
    how much will remain by time you retire (1-1/SQRT(v^2/c^2) ) where c is
    the number of members of congress

    36) Add columns 1-6a divide your answer by the rest mass of a photon,
    this is how much you owe.

    37) Multiply your answer by the rest mass of a neutrino. This is how
    much you get back.
  • by StressGuy (472374) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:38PM (#7641810)
    engineering professor of mine:

    "The difference between aircraft structural engineering and civil engineering is that, in civil engineering, structures don't usually move unless there is a lawsuit involved."
    .
    .
    . ...well, I thought it was funny...
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:39PM (#7641812)
    An optimist says "the glass is half-full".
    A pessimist says "the glass is half-empty".
    An engineer says "you need a smaller glass".
  • by bfields (66644) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:39PM (#7641816) Homepage

    Q: What's purple, commutes, and is appreciated by only a select group?

    A: A finitely-venerated abelian group

    The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane".

  • by Stephen (20676) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:39PM (#7641819) Homepage
    Q. There were two cats on a roof. Which one slid off first?
    A. The one with the lower mew.
  • by dacarr (562277) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:39PM (#7641821) Homepage Journal
    There is also the "one question geek test". You explain to said geek suspect that you have spotted a VW Beetle (new or old, doesn't matter) whose license plate reads "FEATURE".

    Mind you, this only works in states where (license_plate_capacity >= (char characters[8]);.

    (Yes, I know, that's really bad code.)

  • Heisenberg (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:41PM (#7641847)
    How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.
  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by aborchers (471342) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:41PM (#7641850) Homepage Journal
    You forgot the pecking order of the sciences:

    Biologists answer only to Chemists.
    Chemists answer only to Physicists.
    Physicists answer only to Mathemeticians.
    Mathemeticians answer only to God.

  • by sakusha (441986) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:42PM (#7641863)
    I heard this funny story which was said to be a true incident. I like the subtle frame-of-reference joke.

    Norbert Weiner was driving along a country road, when he got involved in a one-car accident, he drove off the road head-on into a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they asked him what happened. He said,

    "I was driving along, the telephone poles were passing me in a regular order, when suddenly they swerved!"
  • Some of these nabbed from funny2 [funny2.com], and some from the book Absolute Zero Gravity. Also recommend this site [xs4all.nl], it has a great geeky interface, and a nice large database.

    How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please.

    How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.

    How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.

    How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.

    How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

    How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

    How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

    How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

    How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.

    How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

    How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

    How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

  • by mcmonkey (96054) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:43PM (#7641875) Homepage
    Ruth Hamilton of The Yorkhill NHS Trust told an amusing variant in which a lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend. "A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career." "Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better: you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more." They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab!"

    Absurd! The accountant will say the wife-- she's tax deducible.

  • by Manhigh (148034) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:44PM (#7641887)
    The first says "I'll have a martini"

    The second says "Darn I wanted a Martini too"

    - Credit my E&M Prof.
  • Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by Phreakiture (547094) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:44PM (#7641890) Homepage

    A helicopter is lost in a fog. The pilot observes he is near a tall building and so he yells to get the attention of someone.

    A person comes to the window and says, "Can I help you?"

    "Yes," says the pilot, "I'm lost! Where am I?"

    "You're in a helicopter!" says the man in the window.

    The pilot thanked him and turned a specific angle and flew an exact distance to the nearest airport.

    His passenger asked him how he knew where he was.

    "Well, the answer I got was 100% correct, and 100% useless, so I knew I was talking to Microsoft Technical Support."

  • by Hal-9001 (43188) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:44PM (#7641894) Homepage Journal
    A variant I saw in Tucson was a red bumper sticker that said "If this sticker looks blue, you're driving too fast!"
  • 2+2 (Score:2, Funny)

    by sharp-bang (311928) <sharp.bang.slashdot@ g m a i l.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:45PM (#7641900) Homepage
    An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sent into a room and told they can only come out when they can answer the question, "What is the sum of two and two?" The engineer comes out immediately and says, "It's 4 +/- 0.0003". The physicist comes out a few minutes later and says, "It's 4." The mathematician staggers out disheveled eight hours laters and announces breathlessly, "There is a solution!!"
  • Not quite (Score:5, Funny)

    by siskbc (598067) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:45PM (#7641903) Homepage
    Or neither dead NOR alive...

    Not really. Considering it in the superposition of states context from which the analogy derived, the particle (cat) does have a wavefunction, which must integrate to 1 over all space. That wavefunction/state can be a superposition of two well-defined states/functions, which in the cat context means it's dead and alive.

    To be more accurate, LifeState(Cat)=A*"alive"+(1-A)*"dead", where A is a real number between 0 and 1, and "alive" and "dead" are two valid, real-valued states/values, each of which derives from an operator "LifeState" and two respective "wavefunctions" that square-integrate to 1 over all space and together make up the composite wavefunction "Cat." So the cat's half-alive, half-dead.

    Wow, that was fun.

  • by Unknown Kadath (685094) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:45PM (#7641905)
    It would be |turkey|*|chicken|*sin(theta).

    I've been known to lead with that one from time to time...but I always use |mouse|*|elephant|*sin(theta). Sometimes I even use cos to see if they call me on it.

    Here's another math one:

    A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out.

    "Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced."

    "Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement."

    The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty."

    -Carolyn
  • by FroMan (111520) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:46PM (#7641909) Homepage Journal
    Funny, I would have assumed a biologist.
  • n-th joke (Score:4, Funny)

    by Sklivvz (167003) * <marco.cecconi@gmail.cELIOTom minus poet> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641923) Homepage Journal
    Where do you extract Mercury from?

    Hg Wells

    (/me runs away)
  • by coyote-san (38515) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641925)
    Digging in memory for joke from 20 years ago, updating it to include contemporary references...

    A plane full of tourists from eastern Europe is taking a sight-seeing tour over Los Angeles. The pilot announces that the Hollywood landmark sign is visible to the right and everyone rushes to that side of the plane.

    The plane swings wildly, but the pilot is able to recover and the plane flies on.

    Now the plane is passing the Disneyland to the right. Again everyone rushes to the right side of the plane and the plane swings wildly, but the pilot is able to recover.

    Unfortunately, the pilot announces when Michael Jackson's "Neverland Ranch" is visible to the right side of the plane. All of the parents grab their children and rush to the left side of the plane! The plane swings wildly, but this time the plane is unable to recover and the plane goes through progressively more violent isolations before plowing into the ground!

    The NTSB investigator assigned to the crash immediately dismisses it as pilot error. Everyone knows that complex systems are unstable with all of the Poles in the left half plane.

  • by PopeJP3 (714468) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641928)
    A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, " Never." The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
  • Re:Work (Score:2, Funny)

    by jdh-22 (636684) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:47PM (#7641929)
    I liked this one too:

    Girls are a product of money and time:
    GIRLS = MONEY x TIME

    Since time is money:
    MONEY = TIME
    Then:
    GIRLS = MONEY^2

    Since money is the root of all evil:
    MONEY = sqrt(evil)
    GIRLS = (sqrt(evil))^2
    ::GIRLS = EVIL

    The mathematical proof girls are evil!
  • by the phantom (107624) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:48PM (#7641938) Homepage
    A biologist, a physisist, and a mathematician are standing outside of a building. Two people walk in. After a few minutes, three people walk out.

    "Aha!" the biologist says, "they must be breeding!"

    "No, no," the physisist replies "this is could be bad. In order to preserve the laws of thermodynamics, someone else must go into the building."

    The mathematician replys "But if someone else goes into the building, it will be empty."

    --------------
    An engineer, a physisist, and a mathematician, and a statisticain are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.

    A little while later, the trashcan in the physists room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physisist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.

    A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.

    Meanwhile, the statisticain is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples.

    --------------
    neh, i tried...
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:48PM (#7641939)
    The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

    One student replied:

    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

    The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

    For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

    "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

    "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

    "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

    "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

    "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

    "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
  • by GregWebb (26123) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:48PM (#7641942)
    In C++, you can see your friends' privates.
  • by TimboJones (192691) <timbojonesNO@SPAMtimbojones.net> on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:49PM (#7641946) Homepage
    Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Wanna go for a bike ride?
  • by Tumbleweed (3706) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:50PM (#7641953)
    An electron, a proton, and a neutron walked into a bar which had a sign, "All drinks $1.00." The electron said, "Hey guys we only have $2.00 among the three of us". The proton said, don't worry there is no CHARGE for the neutron. The electron said, "Are you sure?" The proton answered, "I'm positive."
  • CS Jokes (Score:5, Funny)

    by Alizarin Erythrosin (457981) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:50PM (#7641963)
    Hopefully I get these right. I have them saved in my away messages at home, let's see if I can remember them.

    Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"
    rimshot

    Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@( *#&@!(#^$*#$_(*@!&#*&@!$#"
    The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."
  • Philosophy (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:51PM (#7641965)
    Descartes is sitting in a bar, having just finished his drink. The waitress says, "Would you like another drink?" Descartes says "I think not", and disappears.
  • Math joke (Score:3, Funny)

    by Coryoth (254751) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:51PM (#7641967) Homepage Journal
    Warning, this is quite pathetic (more along the lines of demonstrating exactly how lacking in humour mathematicians are)

    Q: What's an anagram of "Banach-Tarski"

    A: "Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski"

    I did warn you it sucked...

    Jedidiah
  • by gid-goo (52690) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:52PM (#7641987)
    Each has their apartment on fire:
    The engineer walks in, seeing the fire he runs and grabs the biggest container he can find, fills it full of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out but the room is flooded, the stereo and tv are ruined, the couch is trashed, everything is soaked.

    The physicist walks in to his own abode sees the fire, thinks a bit, does some calculations goes and grabs a container fills it with exactly 4.5 gallons of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out, there was just enough water to put out the fire and no more.

    The mathematician walks, looks at the fire, grabs a pencil and paper and starts jotting down equations. Looks at the fire again, looks at the sink and a tub, jots down some more equations. Finally he puts down the paper, scratches his chin and says "Definitely possible."
  • Re:IT joke (Score:4, Funny)

    by mamba-mamba (445365) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:53PM (#7641998)
    You shortened it horribly. The version I heard was an engineer vs. business man joke and was more like this:

    A man is standing on a foggy hilltop when another man riding in a hot air baloon starts to drift by.

    "Can you tell me where I am?" asks the baloonist.

    "Yes, you are approximately 50 feet above a small hillock in the fog," replies the man on the hill.

    "You must be an engineer," comes the reply.

    "How did you know?" asks the man on the hill.

    "What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all," replied the baloonist.

    "You must be a business man," says the engineer.

    "How did you know?" asks the baloonist.

    The engineer pauses, briefly, then says "Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. And you're no worse off now than when we met, but now it's my fault."

    MM
    --
  • by azzy (86427) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:53PM (#7641999) Journal
    A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Adenosine Tri-Phosphate, and the barman says: That'll be 80p (ATP).

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that know binary, and those that don't.
  • by gnu-generation-one (717590) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:53PM (#7642007) Homepage
    How do you create a beach hut?

    Integrate 1 / cabin

    = log(cabin) + c
  • by beni1207 (603012) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:54PM (#7642016)
    From http://www.247joke.com/jokes/programmers01.shtml [247joke.com]:

    A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

    "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

    "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

    "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:55PM (#7642024)
    I, being a translator, was working at my desk with my translation contracts neatly arranged in first come first served order, when a client calls about his translation request.

    Client "So, how long until I get my document translated?"

    Me "Well, it will take me about 2 days once I start working on it. So in about 4 days."

    Client "You haven't started yet?! And at the price I'm paying?!"

    Me "Well, some other clients sent their requests before you did, and I have first come first serve policy, besides, my rates are so competitive you'd have trouble finding a cheaper rate, outside of free automatic internet translations like google's babblefish."

    Client "You can get free translation on the internet?! I'm cancelling the translation request then!"
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:57PM (#7642062)
    Unfortunately, all three walk out with their dicks still hanging out of their pants...

    FW888
  • by yetanothertechie (699283) on Friday December 05, 2003 @04:57PM (#7642068)

    I don't have this one exactly right, but it's something like this:

    How many bits does it take to perform a shift left?
    32, 1 to shift and 31 to push the register!

  • by thomkt (59664) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:01PM (#7642142)
    A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"

    So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.

    Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

    "That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."

    He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

    "OK, why not?" answers the young man.

    "That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."

    "That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"

    "There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
    about my business. Now give me back my dog."
  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by warpSpeed (67927) <slashdot@fredcom.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:02PM (#7642146) Homepage Journal
    If it wiggles its biology...

    If it stinks, its chemestry...

    If it does not work, it is physics...

  • Chess Joke (Score:2, Funny)

    by DougSuerich (155258) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:02PM (#7642149)
    Only the hardcore chessnuts will get this one:

    Q: What's the best defence against the sicilian?

    A: 1. d4!

  • by dadragon (177695) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:02PM (#7642155) Homepage
    At my school, this bit of grafitti was found outside the physics building:

    "Heisenberg probably rules"

    Okay, so it is lame... made me laugh.
  • by Zathrus (232140) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:03PM (#7642166) Homepage
    In a similar vein, my high school physics teacher (yes, this was a long time ago) had a sign over the equipment room labeled:

    DANGER! HIGH RESISTANCE! 10,000 Ohms! DANGER!

    The wood door probably had a resistance well in excess of that.
  • by a1cypher (619776) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:03PM (#7642167) Homepage
    This is by far my favorite Science joke... This was a question on some exam a few years back...

    "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle?s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

    If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for souls entering hell, let?s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle?s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to the volume must remain constant.

    So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during freshman year ("It will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you"), and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and therefore hell must be exothermic.

  • by drivelikejehu (601752) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:03PM (#7642180)
    Q: How many indie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW???

    I have that joke on vinyl
  • by jjjpinkojjj (318040) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:04PM (#7642189) Homepage
    My degree is in Physics from Virginia Tech, but the funniest thing I heard or saw while I was there was a sign while I was looking for the Philosophy Department to force-add a class that I needed to graduate. It read simply "Is this the Philosophy Department?" And I knew I was in the right place.
  • by Just Some Guy (3352) <kirk+slashdot@strauser.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:05PM (#7642204) Homepage Journal
    I had a photocopy of this hanging on my door after seeing it on a friends. Thanks to the folks at psu.edu [psu.edu] for putting it on the web:

    You might be an engineer if...

    1. if you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.
    2. if you enjoy pain.
    3. if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
    4. if you chuckle whenever someone says "centrifugal force".
    5. if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
    6. if when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
    7. if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
    8. if you frequently whistle the theme song to MacGyver.
    9. if you always do homework on Friday nights.
    10. if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
    11. if you think in "math".
    12. if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
    13. if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
    14. if you have a pet named after a scientist.
    15. if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
    16. if the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
    17. if you can translate English to Binary.
    18. if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says EXIT.
    19. if you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer, because there is a wind-chill factor in the lab.
    20. if you are completely addicted to caffeine.
    21. if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat- death of the universe.
    22. if you consider ANY non-science course easy.
    23. if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg,
    24. it could be anywhere in the universe!
    25. if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
    26. if you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
    27. if you understood more than five of these indicators.
    28. if you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door.
  • by kisrael (134664) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:05PM (#7642206) Homepage
    My favorite variation on the fire joke is the one along the lines of (which means I won't be telling it quite right)

    there's a wastebasket on fire, an empty bucket, and a faucet. how many steps does it take for a mathematician to put out the fire? Two: fill the bucket with water, put water on fire.

    There's a wastebasket on fire, a bucket full of water, and a faucet. now howe many steps does it take the mathematician? Three: empty the bucket. Now it's a previously solved problem...
  • by user404 (60238) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:06PM (#7642219)
    Quark! Quark!

    Gravity does not exist, the universe just sucks.

  • by boojum.cat (150829) <[vog.tsin] [ta] [regnal.nehpets]> on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:06PM (#7642221) Homepage
    Have you ever noticed how apparent the Doppler effect is when standing next to a road at night? The cars going away from you always look redder than the cars approaching you.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:07PM (#7642233)
    it's the same joke, but the quantum mechanics version is MUCH funnier than the classical waves version.
  • by SamSim (630795) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:08PM (#7642246) Homepage Journal
    "Why do you call your dog Cauchy?" "Because he leaves a residue at every pole."

    ...I'll get my coat.
  • Re:Protons (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:10PM (#7642258)
    Computer Sci answer to no one ... at least in terms they understand.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:10PM (#7642271)
    Q: Ask Slashdot: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: FIRST POST!
  • by aiabx (36440) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:11PM (#7642277)
    probably just as old...
    Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas?
    Because OCT31=DEC25

    I feel ashamed.
    -aiabx
  • by robertchin (66419) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:12PM (#7642300) Homepage
    So there are these two functions walking down the street, e^x and a constant. They're having a pleasant walk, catching up on old times, when all of a sudden they see someone walking towards them! "Oh my god! It's a derivative! I'm going to get killed!" says the constant, who runs away in the other direction as fast as possible. e^x thinks, "well, I'll be alright, I'm e^x, nothing can hurt me!" and continues on forwards. Soon they reach each other, and he introduces himself, "hi, I'm e^x." to which the derivative responds, "hi, I'm d/dy!"
  • by SamSim (630795) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:12PM (#7642309) Homepage Journal
    "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again..."
  • Re:Protons (Score:2, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:13PM (#7642319)
    If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
  • by DynaSoar (714234) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:15PM (#7642334) Journal
    I've tested this one in a stand-up routine. The average Joe/Jane rarely gets it. Anyone who knows lab-working scientists gets it right away.

    A famous scientist was downtown, shopping with his wife, and clearly not enjoying it. She said "I'm going to shop for some shoes. You can go to the bookstore to browse. I'll meet you in front of the bookstore in an hour," and goes off.

    The scientist goes into the bookstore. Soon after, a beautiful young coed comes in, eyes the scientist, and starts to make moves on him. He falls for the ploy, and ends up at her place, doing the nasty.

    Three hours later, he realizes he's late, and rushes off back to the bookstore. There he finds his wife waiting, arms crossed, tapping her toe angrily.

    Overcome with remorse he tells her what happened, admitting everything, and apologizing profusely.

    She listens to his speech, and when he's done, shakes her finger at him and yells "Don't lie to me! You were at the lab!"

  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by Frizzle Fry (149026) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:16PM (#7642344) Homepage
    I think there are plenty of things that stink that fall in the biology category.
  • by FattMattP (86246) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:20PM (#7642394) Homepage
    Sir Ernest Rutherford related the following story:

    Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

    I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

    The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

    I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

    In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

    While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

    "Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

    For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

    "Fine," I said, "and others?"

    "Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units." "A very direct method."

    "Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

    "On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

    "Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

    At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

    The name of the student was Niels Bohr." (1885-1962) Danish Physicist; Nobel Prize 1922; best known for proposing the first 'model' of the atom with protons & neutrons, and various energy state of the surrounding electrons -- the familiar icon of the small nucleus circled by three elliptical orbits ... but more significantly, an innovator in Quantum Theory.

  • by Anonymous Cow herd (2036) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:22PM (#7642421) Homepage
    Q: What's brown and sticky?
    A: A stick.


    Reminds me of a joke I heard a while ago...
    An egg and a sausage are sitting in a frying pan. The sausage says to the egg, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The egg says "Ahhhh! Talking sausage!"
  • by Consul (119169) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:22PM (#7642424) Journal
    Johnny was a chem student
    He isn't anymore
    For what he thought was H2O
    Was H2SO4 :-)
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:27PM (#7642495)
    DILBERT'S SALARY THEOREM

    Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that engineers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.

    This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:

    Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
    Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
    Postulate 3 (as every engineer knows): Power = Work / Time

    By substitution, since Knowledge = Power, Postulate 3 becomes:
    Knowledge = Work / Time

    and since Time = Money, we have:
    Knowledge = Work / Money

    Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

    Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
  • Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by Moses Lawn (201138) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:36PM (#7642602)
    My favorite sub-version, which involves no balloons:

    A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.

    "Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".

    The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".

    The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.

    "Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".

    The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.

    "Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"

    "Sure", says the Dude, grinning.

    "You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"

    "Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"

    "Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:37PM (#7642612)
    Q: What do you call a pale ovoid fruit that is worshiped twice after sunset?

    A: A bi-nightly venerated albinoid grape.

    (For those of you who are woefully ignorant of mathematics, a common object in group theory is a "finitely generated Abelian group," hence the pun.)

    Some more math jokes:
    1) "Old calculus teachers never die, they just gradually lose their functions."
    2) "Old ring theorists never die, they just lose their ideals."

    and

    3) A boy mathematician and a girl mathematician face each other from opposite sides of a room, and at the same time a boy engineer and a girl engineer face each other from opposite sides of the room. At the end of each minute, each boy-girl pair is allowed to halve their distance from each other. The boy and girl mathematicians never meet, but after a few minutes the engineers get close enough "for all practical purposes."
  • by gbjbaanb (229885) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:38PM (#7642623)
    Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in oorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
  • by d3faultus3r (668799) <`ten.knilhtrae' `ta' `plliw'> on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:39PM (#7642634) Homepage Journal
    So instead of rtfa it should be rtfep(read the fucking error page)
  • by schon (31600) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:45PM (#7642706)
    Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: A fish.
  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by IthnkImParanoid (410494) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:47PM (#7642729)
    ...And they all answer to sysadmins, else (*clickety click*) they "lose" their research....
  • by metlin (258108) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:48PM (#7642755) Journal
    Dude, at Tech we don't even get the time to piss, let alone piss on our hands.

    (disgruntled Tech student holding his pee)
  • by nuonguy (264254) <.nuonguy. .at. .yahoo.com.> on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:49PM (#7642778)
    I mechanical engineer, a civil engineer and a software engineer are driving in a car. The car starts down a steep grade when the brakes fail. The driver pumps the brakes like mad, and the brakes catch just before they come to a skidding halt at the edge of a cliff.

    The three engineers get out of the car, happy to be alive. Being engineers, they start to analyse the situation.

    The mechanical engineer says "The problem here lies with the mechanical engineer who designed these brakes. The brakes should have been able to handle a car with this mass and speed on this road."

    The civil engineer disagrees. "The problem is that the civil engineer that designed this road is at fault here. He shouldn't have build a road that is so steep that ordinary cars would be in danger."

    The software engineer says "Why don't we just push it back up the hill and see if it happens again."
  • by Biffer4810 (217941) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:56PM (#7642849) Homepage
    d'oh

    "Quantum mechanics" but same joke ;P

    Since I'm boring you with a second post, you win a free one-liner:

    Entropy isn't what it used to be.
  • by AnotherBlackHat (265897) on Friday December 05, 2003 @05:56PM (#7642850) Homepage
    Ah... the classic "physics warnings".
    [ucsc.edu]
    http://maxwell.ucsc.edu/~stephanie/warninglabels .s html

    I think my favorite is

    WARNING! THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.


    -- this is not .sig
  • by ak_hepcat (468765) <leif&denali,net> on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:02PM (#7642920) Homepage Journal
    Third Base!
  • 2 + 2 (Score:5, Funny)

    by QEDog (610238) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:03PM (#7642921)
    So the teacher assigns to Ada, Bob, Charles and Danna to go home and figure out what is 2 + 2.
    Ada, the daughter of a mathematitian, asks her dad. He responds: "Well, 1 + 1 = 2. 2+ 1 = 3. 3 + 1= 4, but it can be rewritten as 2 + 2, so 2 + 2 = 4"
    Bob asks his mom, who is an engineer. She takes out her HP calculator, punches in RPN the appropiate keys, and announces: "It is 4.000000000000"
    Charles asks his dad, the phycisist, and he responds: "Well, it is about pi on a zeroth order calculation"
    Finally, Danna ask his dad, who is an accountant: "Dad, how much is 2 + 2?" And he responds: "How much do you want it to be?"
  • by NanoGator (522640) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:06PM (#7642961) Homepage Journal
    "Just not 'ha, ha' funny."

    r^2 dr.
  • by acramon1 (226153) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:10PM (#7643002) Homepage
    so a bunch of functions are sitting at a bar. and they get word that the DIFFERENTIAL IS COMING! so they're all like, "OH NO!!! HIDE!!!" and they all run off except for ONE!!! e^x. he sits there, acting all tough. and when the differential comes in he's like you can't differentiate me. I'm E TO THE X!!!! and the differential gives it an evil grin and sez whoever said that I differentiate with respect to x?
  • C++ Condoms (Score:2, Funny)

    by Captain Tripps (13561) * on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:10PM (#7643005)
    if new true friend not protected for explicit private union, break case and try using this.
    --Nathan Meyers
  • by NanoGator (522640) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:11PM (#7643009) Homepage Journal
    "Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual."

    Commander Data, when I said 'Fire at Will!', I assumed you wouldn't have been so literal.
  • by MountainBoiler (629847) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:14PM (#7643052)
    An engineer is walking along and runs across a talking frog.

    The frog says "I am a princess, and if you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and be your girlfriend."

    Then engineer mutters "Neat", picks up the frog, puts it in his back pocket, and continues walking.

    The frog kicked the engineer, prompting him to pull the frog out. The frog said, "My daddy is rich, and if you kiss me, he will reward you handsomely." The engineer shrugged his shoulders and replaced the frog in his pocket.

    A couple minutes later, the frog kicked him again. This time the frog asked, "Why won't you kiss me? I will make you rich and be your girlfriend."

    The engineer replied "Look, lady. I am an engineer and have no use for a girlfriend. But a talking frog is cool!"

  • Re:IT joke (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:16PM (#7643069)
    an IT Consultant is parked (in his BMW, of course) when he open the door, only to have it ripped off by another driver coming along the road.

    The driver gets out and comes over to exchange insurance and all that, and the Consultant is raging - 'look what you did to my BMW! it cost me a fortune, it was my pride and joy!'.

    'you're an IT consultant, aren't you?' asks the driver.

    'Yes', says the consultant, 'how did you know'.

    'because when the door came away, it took your arm with it. Obviously, you're a consultant - all you think about is money'.

    The consultant looks at the stump, horrified, exclaims 'oh my god. my rolex!'

  • by ceo (6176) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:19PM (#7643099)
    I've heard that one with Harvard and Yale students in place of UGA and GA Tech, and the third being a Princeton student who walks in, washes his hands and the goes to the urinal, saying "At Princeton, they teach us to wash our hands before handling a sacred object."
  • by gertsenl (719370) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:20PM (#7643108)
    Ok, the set up, I have curly hair and I let it grow out into something reminscent of Einstein. I finally cut it, really short, and that week I went to the Society of Physics Students meeting here at Columbia. guy: "Wow, your hair has no curl anymore!" ... long pause as we digest the phys joke... me: "Wait, are you trying to say my haircut is conservative?"
  • by Charles Dodgeson (248492) <jeffrey@goldmark.org> on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:20PM (#7643119) Homepage Journal
    I've told that joke many many times. Another is
    Philosophy: Searching in a darkened coal celler for a black cat which isn't there.

    Marxist philosophy: The same as philosophy, except that you occassionally shout out, "I've got it!"

    And here is a real quote from Thomas Kuhn: "I am much fonder of my foes than I am of my fans."

    And the worst philosophy joke ever: Hegel.

    Due to lack of a camara at the right time, I missed a chance to make a joke. I was in a small zoo in Olney, England. There was a black swan there that was constantly attacking its reflection in the plexiglass. I suspect that it had been doing so ever since it was put in the cage. If I'd had a camara, I would have photographed this and titled it, "A problem for induction".

    Speaking of induction, this one is about a pair of linguists who had a peculiar way of arguing. I will call them Linguist L and Linguist R.

    L: Guess what, R? I've got a great new theory and I can prove it. It's that your eyes are purple.
    R: I'm a bit skeptical, but I'd like to hear your proof.
    L: Well the statement "your eyes are purple" is true exactly when when this is true: "for every X such that X is not purple, X is not your eyes".
    R: Well, yes. But how will you show that my eyes are purple?
    L: Well you see that telephone over there? It's not purple and its not your eyes. And you see this pencil? It's not purple and it's not your eyes. This table isn't purple and it's not your eyes. So we can see by induction that everything that isn't purple is not your eyes.
    R: That is pretty persuasive, but the problem is that when I look in a mirror, I can see that my eyes are not purple.
    L: That may be true. But there is a lot about mirrors that we don't understand yet.
  • by umofomia (639418) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:22PM (#7643124) Journal
    This joke was told by one of the subway conductors on the Green Line of the Boston T. He's quite a character. I'll try to retell it as best I can.

    "I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her."

    *Groans elicted from the crowd*

    "Hey, what do you expect? I'm a conductor."

  • Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)

    by xYoni69x (652510) <yoni.vl@gmail.com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:27PM (#7643185) Journal
    I heard this told differently, and I liked the way I heard better:

    The biologist wants to be a chemist.
    The chemist wants to be a physicist.
    The physicist wants to be God.
    God wants to be a mathematician.
  • by bugnuts (94678) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:32PM (#7643227) Journal
    Agreed. Some people just can't tell a joke!
  • by quantaman (517394) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:34PM (#7643242)
    Dude, at Tech we don't even get the time to piss, let alone piss on our hands.

    (disgruntled Tech student holding his pee)

    while posting to /.

    ...

    well I guess as long as I never have to sit in a chair you've just used

  • by FreeBSDbigot (162899) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:36PM (#7643262)
    and figures he had better learn the two-step. Although a good dancer, he just can't get the hang of it. He asks for help from a native Texan.

    "Just make sure to keep the beat in your head. One-two, one-two, one-two."

    "Oh -- all this time I'd been saying to myself 'zero-one, zero-one, zero-one.'"
  • by mkro (644055) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:37PM (#7643281)
    Ah, egg! Slightly off topic, but:
    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
  • by tHe sYtS (26527) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:42PM (#7643331) Homepage
    At New York's JFK airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
    public school math teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
    in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a
    calculator.

    Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the
    notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying Weapons of
    Math Instruction (WMI).

    "al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They
    desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a
    tangent in a search of absolute values. They consist of quite shadowy
    figures, with names like, "x", "y" and "z", and, although they are
    frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a
    common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates
    in every country." "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
    say, 'there are 3 sides to every angle'" he added.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "Make no
    mistake, if God had wanted US to have better weapons of math
    instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

    A member of the Presidential group, who spoke without attribution said,
    "I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it
    is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to
    disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love
    to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences,
    it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the
    line."

    President Bush said, "these weapons of math instruction have the
    potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
    seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
    random facts of vertex."

    Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read
    My Ellipse'. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they
    continue to multiply --- their days are numbered and the hypotenuse
    will tighten around their necks."
  • by mebon (634191) on Friday December 05, 2003 @06:49PM (#7643400)
    How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two, one to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

  • My favorite "hacker" joke...

    Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest.

    Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
    Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
    Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

    --Erik Meltzer, rec.humor.funny

    Found here [216.239.39.104] (I couldn't reach the original page today; this is a link to google's cache of the page)

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @07:05PM (#7643530)
    How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.
  • by mjt AG (725410) on Friday December 05, 2003 @07:06PM (#7643535) Homepage Journal
    This is more of a fact than a joke . . .

    (Pointed out to me by my fellow colleague at UCSD [ucsd.edu]

    As an engineering student (any type, ME, EE, CSE, CS, etc.) it sucks to have classes with barely any girls (eye candy) to help get you through those dry lectures. And the girls that are there, are butt ugly - really, 99.99% of the time, they are.

    During the 1st week of classes, you're excited to be in a new class, excited to see new people and hopefully see some fine lookin' girls in class. You listen during lecture and become very dissapointed at the fact that there are no girls in your class, and the girls that are there, are yuck - remember these are girls you wouldn't even take a second glance (let alone a first) to look at. You and many others start to ditch class, because you can "teach yourself" all the crap the prof is talking about.

    Around 5th week, just before mids, everybody comes back to class, and you look around again, still with that small glimmer of hope and see that the girls are still the same, but this time, you think, "Hmm . . . that girl is alright; that one isn't bad at all; she's f@ckable . . ." Remember, these are the same butt ugly looking girls.

    Around 9-10th week just before finals, everybody goes to class again, and this time, as you check out the girls, you think, "Damn, she looks good, I'll go for her; She's fine, I'll ask her out . . ." and so on. Remember these are the same girls.

    Peculiar how 10 weeks can change someone's mind about engineering girls. That, my friend, is the plight of the male engineer . . . University Goggles.

  • by HungWeiLo (250320) on Friday December 05, 2003 @07:37PM (#7643806)
    One of my coworkers wives...

    Must have been a Utah license plate.
  • by n1vux (452650) on Friday December 05, 2003 @07:59PM (#7643976) Homepage
    You probably want Military Jokes & Humor: Locating a Submarine [about.com], on About.com's Military Humor / Naval [about.com] page.

    Amazingly, that appears to be the only copy on the WWW. I'm surprised it doesn't show up in Google Groups.

    -- Bill

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:02PM (#7643993)
    Whats the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

    If an Engineer sees a fire, he'll find a fire extinguisher and put it out.

    If a Mathematician sees a fire, he'll find a fire extinguisher and walk away satisfied knowing that a solution exists.
  • Re:2 + 2 (Score:3, Funny)

    by Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (221748) on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:44PM (#7644242) Homepage
    Actually, the engineer should say that its about 5, but numbers aren't available that low, and we need to account for safety, so let's make it 10.

    either that or 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2
  • by orichter (60340) on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:50PM (#7644277)
    A physicist, a chemist, and an engineer are asked:
    Q: "What is the best way to determine the volume of a little red ball."
    A: Physicist: Measure the diameter, devide by two for radius and use the formula 4/3 * PI * radius ^ 3

    A: Chemist: Take a beaker, fill it with water. Dunk the ball in it, and measure the amount of water displaced.

    A: Engineer: It's easy, just pull out the "Little Red Ball" book and look it up.
  • Re:Protons (Score:2, Funny)

    by wwwrun (633859) on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:53PM (#7644300)
    You're obviously too addicted to your GUI. For me it sounds more like (*tappity-tap*).
  • by theCoder (23772) on Friday December 05, 2003 @08:59PM (#7644328) Homepage Journal
    Find out more about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) here [dhmo.org].

  • by YrWrstNtmr (564987) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:16PM (#7644416)
    The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".

    "And at the Air Force Academy, we didn't have to be taught not to pee on our hands."

    (Originally heard with Army, Navy, Marine, and USAF graduates)
  • by jcsehak (559709) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:19PM (#7644436) Homepage
    My bro-in-law just took a class where the professor asked a question like that: "You're driving in the rain, and you see 3 people waiting at a bus stop looking cold and wet: your best friend, an old lady, and a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, you're driving a sporty 2-seater. What do you do?"

    He said "Well, the answer you're looking for is 'loan the car to your best friend, tell him to drive the old lady home, and walk to the nearest coffee shop with the woman.' But in real life, women like assholes. So I'd pound my beer, throw the can at the old lady, tell my friend to hop in the car, and yell to the woman 'I'll be back for you after we get back from the bar!"
  • by KaosConMan (579641) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:35PM (#7644549)
    A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
    One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
    In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
    "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
    "There's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused.
    "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
    "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
    "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
    Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
    "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
    After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
    While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
    "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
    Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
    No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
    "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
    When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
    "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
    He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean??" he replied, "? I can check slashdot.com from here?"
  • by iminplaya (723125) <iminplaya.gmail@com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:35PM (#7644550) Journal
    On a related note...While at a restaurant with his family, the little boy has to go to the bathroom. His mom offers to go with him. He asys "No, I want Grampa to take me...His hand shakes more..."
  • by Cornelius Chesterfie (604463) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:41PM (#7644587)
    Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    A: I don't know, will this be on the test?
  • by theCoder (23772) on Friday December 05, 2003 @09:57PM (#7644676) Homepage Journal
    but maybe someone will see this and get a laugh...

    My physics teacher in high school told of the graffiti in the bathroom in the physics building at his alma mater. While the other bathrooms around the campus had the usual bathroom scrawlings, the physics bathrooms were clean, except for a single limeric:

    The once was a lady named Bright,
    Who could travel faster than light.
    She went out one day,
    In her usual way,
    And returned the previous night!

  • Re:IT joke (Score:2, Funny)

    by DanV (391300) on Friday December 05, 2003 @10:14PM (#7644768) Homepage
    Here is the original:

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus. He immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
    When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
    The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
    "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
  • by strangedays (129383) on Friday December 05, 2003 @10:19PM (#7644791)
    A physics professor, is riding his bicycle around a desolate San Jose strip mall, sad and lonely because his girl left him to live on a beach in Hawai.

    He kicks an odd shaped, klein bottle lying under a bag of chips and rotten apples.

    A flash and a bang and next thing you know a hacker genie-us is standing there, glaring at him with distaste. "Ok so your name tag says your a low-life newbie Physics guy. Sorry but your licenced version of reality only allows one level 3 rapid response wish. All other wishes I must transfer to local help desk support."

    "My girl left me cos she thinks I don't have a job, please build me an application that can design a bridge, so I can ride over on my bike and see her!

    "Are you nuts, thats a ridiculous waste of expensive computer design time, besides its too simple an engineering problem to be worthwhile, just use an existing bridge design and scale up the stress and load factors to account for the depth of water, and other negligible physical effects. Pick a serious problem!"

    Ok, ha ha, just kidding!, here's my cellphone, please call my girlfreind and explain to her what a Physics Professor does for a living, so she comes back to me.

    "Hmmm, I see your problem, ok, how many bike lanes did you want on that bridge?"
  • by sheetsda (230887) <doug,sheets&gmail,com> on Friday December 05, 2003 @10:22PM (#7644818)
    Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

    Taken from here [workjoke.com].
  • Re:Protons (Score:2, Funny)

    by drc500free (472728) on Friday December 05, 2003 @10:34PM (#7644868)
    Biologists answer only to Chemists.
    Chemists answer only to Physicists.
    Physicists answer only to Mathemeticians.
    Mathemeticians answer only to Philosophers.
    Philosophers answer only to Psychologists.
    Psychologists answer only to Biologists. ...
  • Re:Protons (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @10:51PM (#7644980)
    3 rules of civil engineering:

    water and dirt make mud
    you can't push a rope
    if it moves, it's broke
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @11:09PM (#7645091)
    So how do you piss, exactly? Obviously not the same splace you use to procreate.
  • by QuMa (19440) on Friday December 05, 2003 @11:38PM (#7645257)
    This is the place in this thread where the maths jokes come to hang out? Okay, here goes...

    What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
    Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
    (Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable)

    Why did the math professor name his dog Cauchy?
    Because he left a residue at every pole!

  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday December 05, 2003 @11:56PM (#7645346)
    He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean??" he replied, "? I can check slashdot.com from here?"
    Ahem... don't you mean slashdot.ORG?
  • by zhenlin (722930) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @12:19AM (#7645467)
    "Two imaginary friends of mine reproduced, with negative results" - Anon.

    Look up synonyms of reproduce if confounded.
  • Math Joke (Score:5, Funny)

    by kimgh (600604) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @01:00AM (#7645643)
    My favorite:

    x and e^x are walking down the street. They encounter d/dx, who operates on them. x disappears. e^x survives, thanking the math gods that he is immune to differential operators. While walking on, he encounters another operator coming toward him. "Who are you?" he asks. "I'm d/dy," the operator answers.

    Well, I like it.

  • by clovis (4684) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @02:23AM (#7645974)
    Warning! Do not look into laser with remaining eye!
  • by Lord Agni (643860) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @04:08AM (#7646357)
    Q: Why couldn't the fisherman stop spinning? A: Angler momentum [An original!] Q: What's grey and proves the nondenumerability of the Reals? A: Cantor's Diagonal Elephant Q: What's yellow and depends on the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemmon Q: What's yellow and is expressible as a power series? A: A bananalytic function Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A: He work's it out with a pencil. THANK YOU! I'll be here all week...
  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 06, 2003 @12:09PM (#7647736)

    Because the last thing you want is something like highly concentrated acids|bases|toxic wastes doing their worst on the family jewels.
    I feel oddly compelled to post this jewel.
    Hey, whoa! This is a public forum. You keep your jewels to yourself.
  • by fldvm (466714) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @01:21PM (#7648172) Homepage
    Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start gettinging a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodleing. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it.

    The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"

    "Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."

  • My favorite (Score:2, Funny)

    by jboetje (666111) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @01:21PM (#7648174)
    An anthropologist and a physicist were travelling in some of the remote areas of the Brazillian rain forest. One day they came upon a tribe hitherto unknown to Western observers. This tribe had an agrarian economy that provided for all their needs. Not only was the area fertile and supportive of a wide variety of plants, but there were a great number of pollinators for their varied crops. As it happened, the pair had stumbled on this tribe during one of their most holy days - the day they celebrate the wonders of their unique botanical area and the insects that support it. The anthropologist of course observed all of the preparations and carefully noted down all of the rituals, including the covering of the young women of village with a locally produced blue pigment. There were dancing, song, and much merriment - much to the delight of the anthropologist and the physicist. At dawn the next day, the two followed the villagers as they led the tribe to their most holy area: the nesting area of their insect pollinators. As the anthropologist recorded all the details, the blue-painted young women broke from the group and performed a number of intricate ritual dances. As the dancing became more complex, the anthropologist became overwhelmed with the level detail he observed. In evident confusion, he turned to his friend, the physicist, for help in understanding what they were seeing. The physicist merely replied, "Oh it's really very simple. You're just watching a manifestation of the dye virgins of the bee field."
  • by bfields (66644) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @02:03PM (#7648505) Homepage
    Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Two; one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

    (Now try to explain why I find this version funniner.)

  • Re:2 + 2 (Score:2, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Saturday December 06, 2003 @03:53PM (#7649262)
    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are standing in a field. They see a black and white cow.
    The engineer says "That cow looks black and white, therefore all cows are black and white."
    The physicist says "No, that cow looks black and white, therefore all cows in this field are black and white."
    The mathematician says "No, that cow looks black and white. Therefore the side of the cow i can see is black and white"
  • by cosyne (324176) on Saturday December 06, 2003 @07:32PM (#7650547) Homepage
    So a hardware engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are driving along when the car starts having problems. The get to the side of the road just as it dies. Having called a tow truck, the ME says "why don't I check the drivetrain, just in case it's a simple mechanical problem?" "Good idea," says the EE. "I'll see if I can find anything wrong with the ignition system." "Guys," says the software engineer, "why don't we just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back in?"

    A computer scientist is found dead in the shower, apparently due to blood loss throgh the scalp, which was severly abraded. The only clue was a bottle of shampoo which read "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

    An engineer is walking through a park on his way to work when he hears a voice. He looks down an sees a frog on the sidewalk. "Kiss me" says the frog. The engineer thinks for a moment, then picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. Once he gets to work, he takes the frog out and sets it on his disk. Again, the frog says "Kiss me!" The engineer chuckles, then puts the frog in a drawer and starts working. At lunch time, he opens the drawer and looks inside. "Hey," says the frog, "don't you know that talking frogs turn into beatufil women when kissed?" "Yeah," says the engineer, "but I'm an engineer, so I don't really do well with women. But a talking frog? Now _that's_ cool."

    A company sends 3 engineers and 3 marketing guys to a conference. At the train station, the marketing guys each but a ticket, and then the engineers split the cost of one ticket between them. The marketing guys are curious, but the engineers just say "you'll see." When the train arrives, they take seats and resume discussing company business, until the conductor comes into the car. At that point, the engineers excuse themselves, and stealthily pile into a restroom at the far end of the car. Eventually, the conductor makes his way down, knocks on the door, and says "Ticket, please." The door opens ajar and a hand reaches out with a ticket.
    On the return trip, the marketing guys take a hint and buy one ticket beween the three of them. This time, though, the engineers don't buy any tickets. Again, the marketing guys are curious, but the engineers just say "you'll see."
    This time, when the conductor enters the car, the marketing guys pile into a bathroom at the far end. A few minutes later, the engineers do the same, one of the stopping to knock on the first bathroom and say "Ticket, please."

    The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says it's half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    How many prolog prolog programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    No.

    What do you get if you cross a mountain climber and a billy goat?
    You can't cross scalars.

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