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So You Think Physics is Funny?
Posted by
michael
on Fri Dec 05, 2003 03:08 PM
from the no-laughing-matter dept.
from the no-laughing-matter dept.
mzs writes "I just found this article in PhysicsWorld by Robert P. Crease detailing some of the 'better' physics jokes that readers sent him in response to an earlier article. Read about why the elements of magnetic flux are hard to understand or about the sexual adventures of Alice and Bob in a bar. Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field. I will close with this gem from the article: 'What's new?' 'E over h.'"
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Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)
ok, here ya go...
Three Graduates are peeing in a bathroom.
The UGA graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at UGA, they teach us to be clean".
The Clemson graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at clemson they teach us how conserve resources".
The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
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group theory (Score:5, Funny)
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
Re:group theory (Score:5, Funny)
When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.
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Re:group theory (Score:5, Funny)
Q: What's purple, commutes, and is appreciated by only a select group?
A: A finitely-venerated abelian group
The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane".
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Schrodinger's Cat (Score:5, Funny)
Wanted Dead or Alive.
Re:Schrodinger's Cat (Score:5, Funny)
Wanted: Dead AND Alive.
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Re:Schrodinger's Cat (Score:5, Funny)
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Not quite (Score:5, Funny)
Not really. Considering it in the superposition of states context from which the analogy derived, the particle (cat) does have a wavefunction, which must integrate to 1 over all space. That wavefunction/state can be a superposition of two well-defined states/functions, which in the cat context means it's dead and alive.
To be more accurate, LifeState(Cat)=A*"alive"+(1-A)*"dead", where A is a real number between 0 and 1, and "alive" and "dead" are two valid, real-valued states/values, each of which derives from an operator "LifeState" and two respective "wavefunctions" that square-integrate to 1 over all space and together make up the composite wavefunction "Cat." So the cat's half-alive, half-dead.
Wow, that was fun.
Parent
Protons (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)
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a better version (Score:5, Funny)
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Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)
Biologists answer only to Chemists.
Chemists answer only to Physicists.
Physicists answer only to Mathemeticians.
Mathemeticians answer only to God.
Parent
Okay... (Score:5, Funny)
Q: What did the webserver say to Slashdot?
A: HRRRRRNNNnnnnnnghhhh......
Original Joke (Score:5, Funny)
Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
long list of geeky light bulb jokes (Score:5, Funny)
How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please.
How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.
How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
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Re:Original Joke (Score:5, Funny)
A: Wanna go for a bike ride?
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Physics humor (Score:5, Funny)
Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual.
(PS, I am in no way trying to insult physicists, gamers or any other group. I am all of the above myself.)
Re:Physics humor (Score:5, Funny)
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost...
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Higher education (Score:5, Funny)
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Civil Engineering Jokes (Score:5, Funny)
Another...
Q: What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build...targets
-JT
OK my original physics/cs joke (Score:5, Funny)
A:Some strings weren't null terminated.
My favorite... (Score:5, Funny)
If this sign looks blue...SLOW DOWN
Re:My favorite... (Score:5, Funny)
Q: How far can you see on a clear day?
A: 93 million miles...from here to the Sun.
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Told to me by a polish professor... (Score:5, Funny)
Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15?
A: A simple pole in a complex plane.
<ba dum ching>
Bumper sticker (Score:5, Funny)
IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
A helicopter is lost in a fog. The pilot observes he is near a tall building and so he yells to get the attention of someone.
A person comes to the window and says, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," says the pilot, "I'm lost! Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter!" says the man in the window.
The pilot thanked him and turned a specific angle and flew an exact distance to the nearest airport.
His passenger asked him how he knew where he was.
"Well, the answer I got was 100% correct, and 100% useless, so I knew I was talking to Microsoft Technical Support."
Parent
Solar physics joke (Score:5, Funny)
The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them.
The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!"
(By the way, it goes without saying that the bar is in SoHo.)
Philosophy Department (Score:5, Funny)
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
Psychology joke (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Psychology joke (Score:5, Funny)
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The free bicycle (Score:5, Funny)
Three (assume they're male) physics/engineering students are having a conversation.
The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."
His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"
"Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."
c/c++ joke (Score:5, Funny)
Re:c/c++ joke (Score:5, Funny)
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old favorite of mine (Score:5, Funny)
Work (Score:5, Funny)
WORK = F D
F = M A
WORK = M A D
I tell this one to everyone... (Score:5, Funny)
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
-Carolyn
Re:I tell this one to everyone... (Score:5, Funny)
I've been known to lead with that one from time to time...but I always use |mouse|*|elephant|*sin(theta). Sometimes I even use cos to see if they call me on it.
Here's another math one:
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out.
"Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced."
"Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement."
The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty."
-Carolyn
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My favorite mathematics joke (Score:5, Funny)
There was a man in a nuthouse who constantly scared off all the newcomers with a menacing smile and the dreadful-sounding phrase, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!"--invariably the newcomer would cower in the corner and stay far away from the man.
However, one day another man came in and confronted the first man. Of course, the first began yelling at the newcomer, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!" But it had no effect on the newcomer. The man yelled "I differentiate you!" several times to no avail. Finally, he broke down in tears. "Why, why?!?" he asked.
The second man stated simply, "I'm e^x."
Bar joke (Score:5, Funny)
Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"
And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it."
And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Cats on a roof (Score:5, Funny)
A. The one with the lower mew.
this joke makes no sense (Score:5, Funny)
Absurd! The accountant will say the wife-- she's tax deducible.
This one is my favorite (Score:5, Funny)
CS Jokes (Score:5, Funny)
Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"
rimshot
Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@
The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."
I think the consultants my company hires work here (Score:5, Funny)
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Re:There are only 3 posts... (Score:5, Funny)
Defies the notion that nobody reads the articles before posting, doesn't it?
Parent
Re:Neils Bohr (Score:5, Funny)
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.
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Re:Old Fraternity Humor... (Score:5, Funny)
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Re:The inexplicable geek detector joke (Score:5, Funny)
Mind you, this only works in states where (license_plate_capacity >= (char characters[8]);.
(Yes, I know, that's really bad code.)
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